Steamed Bun (饱)

I walked the same way I went home today, but today, I saw something special lying on the floor, and thus i decided to blog about it. It was a steamed bun, a normal one like you'd find in any supermarket or hawker. But this bun was sliced nicely right at the top part. the bottom half is missing, and so is any filling. Just the top half.

My mind automatically left to wander and wondered what could have happened to it. Did someone only want to eat the fillings of the bun? And left the white, rich flour alone to rot on the road? If that's the case, what happened to the layer covering the filling at the bottom?

Tampines has a lot of bikes, did this person eat the bun halfway only to get shocked by a bicycle riding close behind? Thus making him or her drop the bun on the floor? Or was it a nearby car suddenly honking really loudly? Or was it a motorbike that went past really quickly?

It was right beside the road, so there was so many scenarios that could have happened, but only one scenario got stuck in my head: The scenario where the said person did not want to eat the bun anymore, and chose to throw the rest away. But since its food, he didn't throw it to the bin nearby, he fed the passerby mice/ants instead.

It isn't gracious, of course, it isn't considerate. It's nothing that a model citizen should even think of doing. But its being done. Human's laziness, and their ability to make anything that they do sound reasonable. "Someone will clean it up later" they thought, "The ants need some extra food, let's give them some" another thought.

All these thoughts in my head, leading to one scenario after another. Letting my mind wander as though its on crack. The power of imagination, it can lead to creation, it can lead to destruction. I have an imaginative mind, I let my mind wander about sometimes in search of inspiration. Its my nature.

But not if I can control it. If I can just hold back my crazy thoughts and random ideas, I can get a lot more things done in a day. I can make sure that the things that I do, and the things I need to do, gets done on time. It's time to head back to what I always do, it's time to get back to work.

But for now, it's time to sleep. Letting the mind wander a little too much can get tiring.

Busy (話)

Because I've been so damn busy, I can't blog much.

Because I can't blog much, it shows that I'm busy.

But whichever the case is, its true that I've been neglecting this blog post because of a few things that happened over the last few months. let me start with the most life changing event. Which is also why I made less posts as well.

I got a job. Hahah, you guys were guessing girlfriend? Nah, no such luck man. I'm still fat and unattractive as ever. Nothing good ever happens to guys like me. If I don't love my life this much, I will probably be on a noose right now.

But getting a job and staying single is something that I actually enjoy right now. Having an income and almost no expenses aside from the ones I'm already USED to paying for, I'm pretty much in full freedom right now. Aside from the fact that I've been really busy with work and other side jobs.

Side jobs? Oh yes I help people ship in things right now. Usually for no to minimal profit, just doing a favor for my fellow card loving friends that doesn't have bank accounts to do transfers. Or feel that its too unsafe to do online transactions like this.

While it is seriously unsafe, I don't see the point of NOT taking the risk. I guess it really defers from people to people to strike when the iron is hot- or not. I don't see the risk, and I don't see why not take this chance to do something I have never done before. So I did.

Whereas the rest of my friends are much more apprehensive when it comes to this. Some may not really have the drive or the motivation to do things like these. But me being me, being very easy to please, I do end up having fun when it comes to doing silly things like these.

Also, I still work for Microware for show days. I love that company and the people. All of them are so friendly most of the time. Maybe because we aren't really very competitive people, because if we were, we would be in a better-paying company.

All of us just want to have something to do to while our time away during weekends. Preferably getting a simple side job that requires low to no brains. This job is perfect for people like us- people like me. I somehow or other feel that people don't like getting categorized with me, so I'll stop doing that.

Secondly, I got to cosplay. I'm not sure if I posted about this before. But the past cosfest would have been the third event I went as Dan for. Everyone kept praising me for really looking and acting his part. Acting his part was easy, but looking like him?

He has some decent muscles, all I have is fats! What the hell was that about looking like him!? But only until I bought Super Street Fighter 4 : Arcade Edition did I realize that Dan was ACTUALLY really tubby. It may not be obvious from his 3d model, but the animation can't go wrong.

It was fun going around acting stupid just to earn some lols. And of course, to earn some extra contacts for my Facebook. Its pretty hard having a half-dead brain and you're supposed to remember everyone, thank goodness there's Facebook to help me keep track of them.

Thirdly, I got myself, and lost myself, a girlfriend. Danielle was a really nice girl, whom I felt really genuinely liked me. We got out, hung out, and chatted often. Then we broke up. Mainly due the following few reasons:

3a) Her family. Her family is very strict, from what I've been hearing. And since its her O-Level year she can't even step out of the house without her parents nagging at her. Of course school is an exception. But anywhere else is a definite earful.

3b) Her best friend. Whom she had refused to name so far. Probably because she doesn't want me to generalize and hate that name. But that's not true, I don't hate anyone. I just feel indifferent. Maybe that's hate to others but its just normal to me. I look like I like everything, but that's because I actually, deeply, secretly, abhor everything.

3c) Her studies. Coincides with her family. But she may want to further her studies overseas. With no NS holding her back, and her half-foreigner status from her parent's origins, she has the option of going to England to study after Os. I completely understand this point.

She doesn't want me to feel like she's betrayed me because she ran away the moment her school days here are over. Neither does she want me to feel left out, and that I should go for someone else instead of blindly waiting for her once a month free day and we go out.

She doesn't want to feel burdened and not able to make the choice of going overseas because I'm still with her. She probably feels this but isn't able to say it out. She doesn't want to feel burdened, neither put burden on me. Neither does she want to hurt me. She's lost, and a headfirst freefall is the fastest way out. She took it.

What she doesn't know is that I really, really don't mind. I like her strange consideration in everything she does, I really do. I like her honesty when she admits that she's high maintenance, because which girl isn't? I like the way she acts like Captain Obvious, but is genuinely interested in the article she's pointing out!

I also like the way she makes me think, and when I come back to it, I'll be asking the very same question that she had already answered a few times before. Then I'll stop myself from saying anymore, then I realize that she had made me lose all my words. Ricky!? Having no topic? That's harsh!

I really enjoyed the days we were together. But even now we do talk to each other through text. Just that I can't make it sound too... Mushy...? I guess. But maybe that's my own undoing. Maybe she's not into romantic stuff. Maybe she's into companionship more, and me forcing romance in is just me being me.

What a fool.

3d) Her crush. This one is rather personal, so I won't touch too much about it. She has a crush that she's been eyeing for months now. She looks up to this person as a role model. But more than just a role model, a life partner. She wants this person so bad, she sometimes makes bad decisions because of this.

Which is, really pretty darn unlike her. Because she's calculative, somewhat scheming, clever. She's great at improvisation as well. She may come off looking blur, but I can sense that she's been thinking too much. The way she acts reminds me a lot like Kosmo. Thought too much, can't think anymore, act blur.

I still have feelings for her. Although of course, who knows, one of these days, another girl will come up and catch my attention so badly, I'll end up feeling the need to want to have her. But before that day arrives, I'll live my bachelor crusade.

Ah, Crusade, a gigantic part of my life now. I love that card game.

But still, I feel like shit. Maybe its work stress, maybe its just me slowly dying inside.

Whatever it is, I better snap out of it soon. And sleep. Windows Phone Programming seems pretty fun with C# as its native language. I can't wait to learn more tomorrow. I hope they give us some hands-on practice though. It would really help me understand a lot better.

Off to meet Timmy and Ying Hao! And yes I've memorized their names! Go me!

Netorare (寝)

I have been wanting to say this for the longest of time, that I think I am sick from within. Not just the normal kind of sick, but the really, really sick kind of sick. I enjoy horrible, horrible horrible, things in life that I call pleasures, and one of the greatest kicks I get is reading, or watching shows that involve Netorare.

Netorare, is simply put, the crushing of one's innocence. Like how a young couple falls innocently in love with each other, but the girl gets raped in front of the boy, and worst of all, she's enjoying it. Nothing else amounts up to the same amount of pleasure, the kick, the insanity that rushes through my brains as I read these kind of stories.

Or maybe this is the reason why I like psychological and psychological horror shows and mangas. It feels great, refreshing, something out of ordinary, I love the suspense and the reactions of the characters that get NTRed, there's so much to look forward to in every single different story. Although it is technically the same story over and over again, there's just so much difference in every single one. The feeling, the desperation, the reactions to every single situation.

It just feels like something so real, something so humane, the fact that someone's abusing his power because of his superiority, someone else getting oppressed because of their weakness, someone that gets his or her heart broken after seeing what the real world is like. Especially the world of the adults.

Their innocence shattered, their dreams burned away, their hope vanishes, their eyes lose all light, they go down the path of destruction, or the path that runs away from his or her true self, denying all kinds of progress made in life.

Ah, the stale air of someone's breath that's soon to be his last. That insane feeling when you see a person slumped down in despair, wishing they would come back up, stand up and fight the hopeless fight, to fail time and time again. Without end, without rest, without ever having to think about how much it hurts inside. But you, as the watchers, you feel everything, you feel their pain, their suffering, and you look back at yourself, thinking.

"He suffered in my place. Let's hope I don't suffer the same way he did."

But alas, that's not what most people would seek after. They seek joys, and laughter, they seek mild and basic forms of entertainment. They seek to enjoy by sharing happy thoughts, not to enjoy by watching others suffer. Not to enjoy by simply killing another.

But if you're the kind that seeks enjoyment in laughter. Then you're probably not human.

You're the sick kind of bastard that laughs at situations a normal person runs into. You seek enjoyment in the experience of others, not by empathizing with them, not by watching them suffer do you feel more experience in life, but in watching their little comedies in life unfold. How can a normal person do that?

How can a normal, living, breathing, thinking, human being look at something unfolding before their eyes. Not empathize, but laugh at the mere stupidity of the other party.

Surely you must not be human.

Surely not.

Maybe I'm the sane one here.

Sleep (醒)

I can't sleep.

I haven't been able to think straight for a few days now, always confused and detatched from what I have to do, I realize that I don't even do the things I'm supposed to do. It really isn't like me to feel this demoralized to do anything at all.

I feel like I need a break, but nobody wants to give me a break. I feel like I earned it, I deserved it, I want it, and I would really love to have it, yet nothing stops their pace for me. Nothing stops for anyone.

I realized that the world moves faster than anyone can imagine. 3 years of programming, all amounting up to nothing, having to relearn everything that I've learnt once again.

No friends to push you on, no one to help you get back on track, all they seem to ever do is to throw you off-track, to slack alongside them while they proceed on, leaving you behind, wallowing in the memories of friendship.

I'm such a fool. I should get some coffee tomorrow morning and once again strive to do my work, even though I really hate to see eNinja's face once again.

At least the base code is up on xCode, all I have to do is transfer and translate it to Java. And hopefully Android treats me well tomorrow onwards for the next 2 weeks.

I've felt pathetic for almost 2 weeks now. It's about time I earned back everything I lost these 2 weeks back by doubling my work pace for the very same 2 weeks I lost.

Let's rock.

Scrubs (抹)

Its pretty nice sometimes to have a sitcom that's actually serious in life. Scrubs is one such show that I really must recommend to everyone. Not only are the jokes funny, it actually teaches you about life more than you can ever imagine.

I feel a lot of connection with JD, being the somewhat awkward guy that's new to a lot of things, going crazy over girls, wanting love and never getting it, having a superior that's always so much better than you. Everything. Even up to his inferiority complex.

Looking back at myself, I actually felt the inferiority complex the most. I feel inferior when I'm around my friends. Because I know I'm actually not as good as them in some things, but better in the others. But the Aries in me refuses to lose.

You see, I heard somewhere that Aries are stubborn, battle-born people (I'm even using Skyrim terms, what now?) that love a good fight. But this inferiority complex seems to pull me down to the pits whenever it sees the chance to strike.

Okay, let's take games for example, because comparing girls is just sexist, and should be kept to the depths of my mind. If I were to see a few good games all releasing at one time. My brain tells me that my computer can't handle the best game, and I should go for the ones with normal graphics.

My spirit of competition tells me if I don't go for the best looking one, i'm bust. It's either do or die, it loves this kind of thrills of chasing after something so great I can't possibly reach it. It wants to see me fall, or triumph in glory the moment I'm able to achieve it.

But my heart probably can't take it. So I end up having to use the Low settings in these games, because I don't think there is one person in the world, that is able to run these games in high settings. But then I look around, and I realize they are.

I realize that there are a lot of other guys that go after these same games. And they're playing a better game than me just because my heart's standard sucks, and they seem to be able to achieve a much better situation than me.

You see, it's all about the hardware once again. I choose, I lose. Because I always follow my spirit of competition. I won once before when my spirit was still strong and competing against my classmates, and I won, but I slacked off a lot now.

I slacked off so much I don't even know where I am anymore. I slacked off so much I feel like I'm the one being left out. I slacked off so much I feel that I'm the one getting special treatment from everyone.

The fact that I can be here talking about crap like this is the very situation I don't want to get into. Play a game that's too high for me, fall off a cliff, and probably end up in the valley of self pity, wallowing over the slightest things.

It's unsightly, I know, it has always been and will forever be. I just wish I have somebody to talk to, therefore I talk to a wall, I talk to blogs, I hint slightly whenever somebody new appears, that I'm not exactly the cheery guy that everyone sees.

I used to have a friend who knows what I feel, he reads this wall of text and remembers it, but never brings it up. Knowing that he knows whenever I hang out with him is enough. He's always there when I feel down and automatically calls for supper.

But now, he's in the army. Everyone's in the army. While here I am, the person that relies on friendship more than any other, getting stepped on just because my feelings and intentions weren't clear enough.

Golly I hope no one comes by and sees this pathetic lout I call me. It's almost... Disheartening.

Flowers (桑)

I guess life can be a lot simpler when you're now blinded and overly imaginative. Your friends talking behind your back, just think of it as they're talking about the teacher. Your colleagues talk behind your back, they're just talking about work.

It works, and it works a hell lot better than getting yourself into thinking way too much about the people around. And once again, as long as human to human relationship and interaction is involved. It's always better to not suspect anything and live in bliss.

Of course, when hate words are directed at you, learn to learn your mistake. Change yourself, make yourself a better person. But when its not something you hear, don't pry what others are saying, and basically, don't be a dick.

Misunderstandings. Sigh, they happen. All the time nowadays. I wish I would stop thinking.

Fresh (复)

Its been a long time Blogger, and a really long time since I addressed whatever's been going through my life as well. Its time for a little quiet moment once again, in the life of a person who's given his second chance.

More like one chance too many. I've been through countless times where I'm given the second chance. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. The thing is, when its worse, its usually a lot worse than my first attempt.

Like the time when I was given the chance to redo my assignment. Oh wait, it turned out better. In fact, I think for most of the things I redid in school, it usually turns out better. And I feel happy. I feel happy that I actually did have some abilities in me.

But nonetheless, I passed my Poly with flying colors, a far cry compared to the failure I met with in JC. I guess when I like something and I study about it, I really can do well in it. I still have lots to learn when it comes to this industry though.

After being unemployed (semi-employed actually) for about 5 months, I finally gt into Rockmoon, an app/game development company that Renqi and Zuyi is working for for the past 5 months I was unemployed.

It felt good to be hired. And it really feels good to work again after such a long break. It feels as though the dormant cells in my brain are being reawakened and is finally being utilized again. Albeit rusty and needs more polishing, I hope I do a good job.

I really felt like the company is treating me well. Too well, in fact, to the point that I don't exactly have a complaint against this place. The working environment is nice and clean, the pay is good, the food is cheap, what else can I ask for?

Of course its a little far, but that's just nitpicking. I don't expect to have a job at a close location that pays well, that has cheap food, and has a relaxing yet cooperative and productive working environment. To be honest, this place is too perfect.

Even the bosses are nice. They eat lunch with us, has no air of a boss around them, and treat us as equals. They give us the job, we get it done. If there is any complaints against the products, its from the clients usually.

The student interns are really fun to be around as well. Someone in me and Renqi's age group. A bunch of young adults that haven't really fully matured yet and is still on the path to adulthood. Someone whom you feel at home with.

Someone from yesterday. I guess that's how I really feel when around Denise, Kelvin, Jia Xun and I-can't-remember-her-name Qian Ying or something. I'm really horrible with chinese names. Was and still is. Unless I somehow link the name to the face.

It was only up til recently that I realized I really can't remember chinese names that often. Not that I don't interact with Chinese people, its more like my brain has reached a capacity in which remembering names don't really matter anymore.

I like to meet new people. I think I emphasized on that enough in past posts. But their names. Gives me such headache whenever I think about myself needing to remember new names. Not that I'm being haughty or anything, but why?

I guess I really feel lonely at the moment. I'm not thinking straight, seeing my friends enter the army one by one, sharing new experiences and how much they don't want to be in there. Sure I don't want to be in there as well, that's why I'm sitting out, right?

But why do I feel like signing on so much? Why do I feel deprived when I'm not allowed to experience something that they're all going to experience? Why do I feel left out when its not something that I want to do, and I should do?

Why do I feel so alone all of a sudden, with everyone entering employment or higher levels of education. And me being in my own world with a company I saw to be so perfect. Why am I the only one enjoying when everyone goes through the same thing?

I should be happy that I'm not going through something so horrible, right? I mean, its really an institute to reduce the mindset of people into brainless deadmen who can only sell things or handle money when they grow up.

How many of the NSmen do you see achieving success in the art sector? In the business sector, heck, in any sector? When compared to that of free minds overseas? The ones who have the time, not locked down by the military, but really going out there and pursuing their dreams?

How many dreams has the army tarnished, just to keep the equilibrium of peace that we so seek right now? Yet right after the army has served its cause, where do the money we actually pay the government actually really go? Do we really know?

How much time has the army pilfered off the young, breeding minds? And turned them into something else altogether? To make time pass faster, these young minds are forced to turn their minds off altogether. I experienced that in my Uniformed Group as well.

Not that it's actually a bad CCA, in fact, it really helps passing time by, I don't think about games as much as now, or even strange things like what I'm currently typing right now. The mixed feelings, the insecurities of growing up.

I guess those 2 phrases fits whatever I'm feeling the most right now. Insecurities of the future. What would I become the moment Renqi leaves me alone in the company? Will I be able to stand on my own? How about distractions? How will I cope?

Is there someone to talk to? Someone to consult? Someone else that would help me the same amount that Renqi does? Someone that motivates? Someone that pushes you? Someone that works twice as hard as you and produces four times the result?

Someone who is so well-versed in self-study? Someone who is so immersed into his work and passion? Someone who really has the drive to push everyone around him, including himself, forward? Someone who's a real friend.

Someone that's going into the army soon.