.: Second Season :.

Netorare (寝)

2012-02-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to say this for the longest of time, that I think I am sick from within. Not just the normal kind of sick, but the really, really sick kind of sick. I enjoy horrible, horrible horrible, things in life that I call pleasures, and one of the greatest kicks I get is reading, or watching shows that involve Netorare.

Netorare, is simply put, the crushing of one's innocence. Like how a young couple falls innocently in love with each other, but the girl gets raped in front of the boy, and worst of all, she's enjoying it. Nothing else amounts up to the same amount of pleasure, the kick, the insanity that rushes through my brains as I read these kind of stories.

Or maybe this is the reason why I like psychological and psychological horror shows and mangas. It feels great, refreshing, something out of ordinary, I love the suspense and the reactions of the characters that get NTRed, there's so much to look forward to in every single different story. Although it is technically the same story over and over again, there's just so much difference in every single one. The feeling, the desperation, the reactions to every single situation.

It just feels like something so real, something so humane, the fact that someone's abusing his power because of his superiority, someone else getting oppressed because of their weakness, someone that gets his or her heart broken after seeing what the real world is like. Especially the world of the adults.

Their innocence shattered, their dreams burned away, their hope vanishes, their eyes lose all light, they go down the path of destruction, or the path that runs away from his or her true self, denying all kinds of progress made in life.

Ah, the stale air of someone's breath that's soon to be his last. That insane feeling when you see a person slumped down in despair, wishing they would come back up, stand up and fight the hopeless fight, to fail time and time again. Without end, without rest, without ever having to think about how much it hurts inside. But you, as the watchers, you feel everything, you feel their pain, their suffering, and you look back at yourself, thinking.

"He suffered in my place. Let's hope I don't suffer the same way he did."

But alas, that's not what most people would seek after. They seek joys, and laughter, they seek mild and basic forms of entertainment. They seek to enjoy by sharing happy thoughts, not to enjoy by watching others suffer. Not to enjoy by simply killing another.

But if you're the kind that seeks enjoyment in laughter. Then you're probably not human.

You're the sick kind of bastard that laughs at situations a normal person runs into. You seek enjoyment in the experience of others, not by empathizing with them, not by watching them suffer do you feel more experience in life, but in watching their little comedies in life unfold. How can a normal person do that?

How can a normal, living, breathing, thinking, human being look at something unfolding before their eyes. Not empathize, but laugh at the mere stupidity of the other party.

Surely you must not be human.

Surely not.

Maybe I'm the sane one here.

Sleep (醒)

2011-11-29T01:46:00.001+08:00

I can't sleep.

I haven't been able to think straight for a few days now, always confused and detatched from what I have to do, I realize that I don't even do the things I'm supposed to do. It really isn't like me to feel this demoralized to do anything at all.

I feel like I need a break, but nobody wants to give me a break. I feel like I earned it, I deserved it, I want it, and I would really love to have it, yet nothing stops their pace for me. Nothing stops for anyone.

I realized that the world moves faster than anyone can imagine. 3 years of programming, all amounting up to nothing, having to relearn everything that I've learnt once again.

No friends to push you on, no one to help you get back on track, all they seem to ever do is to throw you off-track, to slack alongside them while they proceed on, leaving you behind, wallowing in the memories of friendship.

I'm such a fool. I should get some coffee tomorrow morning and once again strive to do my work, even though I really hate to see eNinja's face once again.

At least the base code is up on xCode, all I have to do is transfer and translate it to Java. And hopefully Android treats me well tomorrow onwards for the next 2 weeks.

I've felt pathetic for almost 2 weeks now. It's about time I earned back everything I lost these 2 weeks back by doubling my work pace for the very same 2 weeks I lost.

Let's rock.

Scrubs (抹)

2011-11-20T07:32:00.002+08:00

Its pretty nice sometimes to have a sitcom that's actually serious in life. Scrubs is one such show that I really must recommend to everyone. Not only are the jokes funny, it actually teaches you about life more than you can ever imagine.

I feel a lot of connection with JD, being the somewhat awkward guy that's new to a lot of things, going crazy over girls, wanting love and never getting it, having a superior that's always so much better than you. Everything. Even up to his inferiority complex.

Looking back at myself, I actually felt the inferiority complex the most. I feel inferior when I'm around my friends. Because I know I'm actually not as good as them in some things, but better in the others. But the Aries in me refuses to lose.

You see, I heard somewhere that Aries are stubborn, battle-born people (I'm even using Skyrim terms, what now?) that love a good fight. But this inferiority complex seems to pull me down to the pits whenever it sees the chance to strike.

Okay, let's take games for example, because comparing girls is just sexist, and should be kept to the depths of my mind. If I were to see a few good games all releasing at one time. My brain tells me that my computer can't handle the best game, and I should go for the ones with normal graphics.

My spirit of competition tells me if I don't go for the best looking one, i'm bust. It's either do or die, it loves this kind of thrills of chasing after something so great I can't possibly reach it. It wants to see me fall, or triumph in glory the moment I'm able to achieve it.

But my heart probably can't take it. So I end up having to use the Low settings in these games, because I don't think there is one person in the world, that is able to run these games in high settings. But then I look around, and I realize they are.

I realize that there are a lot of other guys that go after these same games. And they're playing a better game than me just because my heart's standard sucks, and they seem to be able to achieve a much better situation than me.

You see, it's all about the hardware once again. I choose, I lose. Because I always follow my spirit of competition. I won once before when my spirit was still strong and competing against my classmates, and I won, but I slacked off a lot now.

I slacked off so much I don't even know where I am anymore. I slacked off so much I feel like I'm the one being left out. I slacked off so much I feel that I'm the one getting special treatment from everyone.

The fact that I can be here talking about crap like this is the very situation I don't want to get into. Play a game that's too high for me, fall off a cliff, and probably end up in the valley of self pity, wallowing over the slightest things.

It's unsightly, I know, it has always been and will forever be. I just wish I have somebody to talk to, therefore I talk to a wall, I talk to blogs, I hint slightly whenever somebody new appears, that I'm not exactly the cheery guy that everyone sees.

I used to have a friend who knows what I feel, he reads this wall of text and remembers it, but never brings it up. Knowing that he knows whenever I hang out with him is enough. He's always there when I feel down and automatically calls for supper.

But now, he's in the army. Everyone's in the army. While here I am, the person that relies on friendship more than any other, getting stepped on just because my feelings and intentions weren't clear enough.

Golly I hope no one comes by and sees this pathetic lout I call me. It's almost... Disheartening.

Flowers (桑)

2011-11-20T00:58:00.002+08:00

I guess life can be a lot simpler when you're now blinded and overly imaginative. Your friends talking behind your back, just think of it as they're talking about the teacher. Your colleagues talk behind your back, they're just talking about work.

It works, and it works a hell lot better than getting yourself into thinking way too much about the people around. And once again, as long as human to human relationship and interaction is involved. It's always better to not suspect anything and live in bliss.

Of course, when hate words are directed at you, learn to learn your mistake. Change yourself, make yourself a better person. But when its not something you hear, don't pry what others are saying, and basically, don't be a dick.

Misunderstandings. Sigh, they happen. All the time nowadays. I wish I would stop thinking.

Fresh (复)

2011-10-01T01:30:00.002+08:00

Its been a long time Blogger, and a really long time since I addressed whatever's been going through my life as well. Its time for a little quiet moment once again, in the life of a person who's given his second chance.

More like one chance too many. I've been through countless times where I'm given the second chance. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. The thing is, when its worse, its usually a lot worse than my first attempt.

Like the time when I was given the chance to redo my assignment. Oh wait, it turned out better. In fact, I think for most of the things I redid in school, it usually turns out better. And I feel happy. I feel happy that I actually did have some abilities in me.

But nonetheless, I passed my Poly with flying colors, a far cry compared to the failure I met with in JC. I guess when I like something and I study about it, I really can do well in it. I still have lots to learn when it comes to this industry though.

After being unemployed (semi-employed actually) for about 5 months, I finally gt into Rockmoon, an app/game development company that Renqi and Zuyi is working for for the past 5 months I was unemployed.

It felt good to be hired. And it really feels good to work again after such a long break. It feels as though the dormant cells in my brain are being reawakened and is finally being utilized again. Albeit rusty and needs more polishing, I hope I do a good job.

I really felt like the company is treating me well. Too well, in fact, to the point that I don't exactly have a complaint against this place. The working environment is nice and clean, the pay is good, the food is cheap, what else can I ask for?

Of course its a little far, but that's just nitpicking. I don't expect to have a job at a close location that pays well, that has cheap food, and has a relaxing yet cooperative and productive working environment. To be honest, this place is too perfect.

Even the bosses are nice. They eat lunch with us, has no air of a boss around them, and treat us as equals. They give us the job, we get it done. If there is any complaints against the products, its from the clients usually.

The student interns are really fun to be around as well. Someone in me and Renqi's age group. A bunch of young adults that haven't really fully matured yet and is still on the path to adulthood. Someone whom you feel at home with.

Someone from yesterday. I guess that's how I really feel when around Denise, Kelvin, Jia Xun and I-can't-remember-her-name Qian Ying or something. I'm really horrible with chinese names. Was and still is. Unless I somehow link the name to the face.

It was only up til recently that I realized I really can't remember chinese names that often. Not that I don't interact with Chinese people, its more like my brain has reached a capacity in which remembering names don't really matter anymore.

I like to meet new people. I think I emphasized on that enough in past posts. But their names. Gives me such headache whenever I think about myself needing to remember new names. Not that I'm being haughty or anything, but why?

I guess I really feel lonely at the moment. I'm not thinking straight, seeing my friends enter the army one by one, sharing new experiences and how much they don't want to be in there. Sure I don't want to be in there as well, that's why I'm sitting out, right?

But why do I feel like signing on so much? Why do I feel deprived when I'm not allowed to experience something that they're all going to experience? Why do I feel left out when its not something that I want to do, and I should do?

Why do I feel so alone all of a sudden, with everyone entering employment or higher levels of education. And me being in my own world with a company I saw to be so perfect. Why am I the only one enjoying when everyone goes through the same thing?

I should be happy that I'm not going through something so horrible, right? I mean, its really an institute to reduce the mindset of people into brainless deadmen who can only sell things or handle money when they grow up.

How many of the NSmen do you see achieving success in the art sector? In the business sector, heck, in any sector? When compared to that of free minds overseas? The ones who have the time, not locked down by the military, but really going out there and pursuing their dreams?

How many dreams has the army tarnished, just to keep the equilibrium of peace that we so seek right now? Yet right after the army has served its cause, where do the money we actually pay the government actually really go? Do we really know?

How much time has the army pilfered off the young, breeding minds? And turned them into something else altogether? To make time pass faster, these young minds are forced to turn their minds off altogether. I experienced that in my Uniformed Group as well.

Not that it's actually a bad CCA, in fact, it really helps passing time by, I don't think about games as much as now, or even strange things like what I'm currently typing right now. The mixed feelings, the insecurities of growing up.

I guess those 2 phrases fits whatever I'm feeling the most right now. Insecurities of the future. What would I become the moment Renqi leaves me alone in the company? Will I be able to stand on my own? How about distractions? How will I cope?

Is there someone to talk to? Someone to consult? Someone else that would help me the same amount that Renqi does? Someone that motivates? Someone that pushes you? Someone that works twice as hard as you and produces four times the result?

Someone who is so well-versed in self-study? Someone who is so immersed into his work and passion? Someone who really has the drive to push everyone around him, including himself, forward? Someone who's a real friend.

Someone that's going into the army soon.

Kaleidoscope (星)

2011-03-10T04:46:00.002+08:00

I guess I think about a lot of things, and in between those things that I think about, usually i do out my daily activities. Though sometimes failing to do them is the correct way to describe the way I live out my life.

But that's another story, what I wanted to think about is the timings when I think. I usually think the most when some matter of a high importance happen or appear in front of me, when I end up not being able to sleep, under the once again starless nights, and then reflect back on my life.

Who am I? What was I supposed to do? Things like that appear, then the comparison starts. I usually start comparing my life with others, rejoice in the things that I am in a better state at, then grieve and think of ways to improve the places I lack at.

But usually the latter occurs. There is a distinct presence of inferiority. I don't like feeling inferior to others, neither do I want to feel inexperienced when compared to others. The feeling sucks, it's like not being able to share the joy, and only hearing about them second hand.

But that's when I enjoy my life the most, listening to what others experience. Then going "Someday I'll be the one saying these things", and be proud of it when it becomes my turn to say out such things.

Things of wisdom, things of experience, actions of the past, taken, and forgotten the moment it leaves your mouth. There are a lot of things that friends talk about, and those things become priceless memories inside my head.

My head, that does not contain anything. My head that is unable to experience anything firsthand, my head that continues collecting information, my head that still seeks the ultimate knowledge, my head that is inexperienced.

So I continue to gather. Seeking out what's rightfully mine, and winning things that are meant to be claimed as a victory prize. Now I see a trophy that I want, and I work for it. Strive for it, move towards it, conquer it.

But when I see another person fighting for the same trophy, I start my phase of comparison again. And once again, being the inferior human, the inexperienced human, the bland, indistinct human that I once was and I still am, I willingly give my trophy away.

Because life is about giving, and not taking, isn't it? If the other party is going to go into depression when the trophy is taken from them, then would it be fair when I can live on normally without the trophy, yet now have this wonderful trophy to pose with?

I never liked competitive sports. One must win and one must lose, I hated them, why can't everyone enjoy the game, like the ones in the audience seats. No matter who won or lost the game, they still got to enjoy the game.

Whereas the winning team gets the glory that they claim was meant to be theirs, and the losing team gets to swallow their tears of regret. Thinking back, the only ones that's losing out, sadly, is the losing team.

The referees didn't lose anything, the audience didn't, the host didn't, the field lost some vitality, but then again that's their job. Nobody else on the competitive field lose anything but the loser. Sure they gained shame, but that's nothing to be proud about.

Then I look back at life, and realize it's the same competitive field all over again. The pulling of juniors into their clubs, it's also competition, the formation of teams to compete with each other, it's still competition, even within the club.

Especially things with sports, they compete with each other to see who stays inside the main team, and who gets booted out without a question. Maybe some subtle changes here and there, but the bottom line stays.

Or when two guys go after the same girl, or two girls go after the same guy. But when times like these come, me, being the inexperienced, the inferior, the not-so-ideal-choice, the one that gets sidelined, the awesome side character, chooses to lose out for others.

Like how Ken Wakaba becomes a side character when compared to Maio Plato.

Because every memory in my head is precious. Just like everyone I have met in my life.

Torment (鈴)

2011-01-26T03:14:00.003+08:00

"Trust me, she likes you" I said as I was halfway walking away after saying goodbye. Confident in myself, I took light steps back toward my cozy little room. The rain was pouring down a little stronger than before, so the steps I took eventually became larger and faster.

"I know a girl in love when I see one" I thought to myself, to reassure myself and give my friend reasons to believe me in case he asks. But who was I kidding? Really? I am a person who barely has any female friends I can call close and dear. Hell, I barely even have any female friends.

Life can get funny back at you sometimes. It makes you feel so confident of yourself to give emotional support to others, and yet the dire realization of not being able to do something you promised to do sets in slowly afterwards.

I guess I am a person who wants to do a lot of things. Be it major things like inventing a new potion, or something stupid and simple such as falling in love, or making two people fall in love. I wanted everything to myself.

Life is short, so I should live my life to the fullest, I told myself once before. And the moment I did, I was in a rollercoaster called life. I was involved in more things than I can ask for, all for the sake of bringing people together for personal fun.

Soon, I realized no matter how much I experienced, I still don't have the ability to do everything I want to do in life. There were still so much, and so many things I have yet to do. And all of them leads back to me being inexperienced.

I need to know, I need to learn, I need to experience. And yet, life sneers at your effors and denies you the chances.

How lovely.

Dawn (清)

2011-01-19T03:38:00.002+08:00

There was once a time, when a man thought himself invincible. He took on many challenges he faced with a broad smile, heading off to face off a new challenge as he moved on. Unsatisfied by the amount he have accomplished in life.

Time passed, the man never gave up taking everything his life threw him head on. He wanted more out of life. He wanted more than just accomplishments. He wanted complete-ness. He sought perfection. He wanted others to look up and say, "what great things he has done!"

He sought truths of the world. He sought to expand the unexpanded. He sought to popularize the unpopular. He sought to richen the poor. He sought to grow the ungrowable. He sought to create the uncreatable. He sought to seek what no one ever sought.

Decade after decade, the man sought to better the world. Knowing fully well his intentions, the world around him prospered and grew. Cities became metropolises, hills became mountains, rivers grew into seas, ice cubes became glaciers.

But after bettering the world, the man stood back to the town he started. Now a city large beyond imagination, he thought back to the journeys he have passed by. The little things that he did to help change the world.

The invincible man suddenly felt fragile. By using his invincibility to affect so many around him. He himself didn't find anything special within him. The alien sight that was within his eyes. Where has his resting place went?

Where has his safe haven went? This frail and weak body of his, it needs a resting ground, someplace he can trust, someplace he belonged, someplace he can return to the moment his conquest has finished.

But all he found are remnants of a once familiar home, a family torn to pieces, a town in jeopardy, all because of the advancements he had made to the rest of the world. His own hometown couldn't idly sit by his return, it must catch up!

So it did, and in turn, destroyed his safe haven. How ironic, the sight. The one who brought great good to the rest of the world. The once invincible man, have now fallen prey to the destruction of his own home. His own paradise. His own haven.

The invincible man then built a bed of leaves amongst the forest that he once frolicked as a child. A bed that he can call home. A bed that holds many of his dreams and desires as to what he could achieve in the near future.

Now the invincible man wept. Crying over his own selfless-ness that destroyed his own happiness. And how it must have destroyed many others like him. He berated himself, over and over again, before falling into a deep sleep.

What a pleasant dream he had. He dreamt of walking amongst gods, moving giants in the world, maintaining equality, peace, and goodness across the world he once loved, but helped to destroy. He saw the little humans, some happy, some not. And pretended not to care.

He was satisfied. With his great good and his great powers, he had brought great change to the world. So great that he seem to be the only one who truly only gained negative impacts upon. Such greatness without equal, we must praise.

The invincible man slumbered. His once strong build now frail and weak. His face once radiant with vitality and health now wrinkled and sagged. His skin once brimming with light, and a brilliant shine, now dulled under the workload he has set onto himself.

He told himself, a job well done, and continued to slumber.

Now, and forevermore, in the hearth he made himself.

Hobby (大)

2011-01-15T00:05:00.004+08:00

Its been a long while since I wrote whatever I thought inside a blog. Workload seems to pile day after day and doesn't seem to end. I know I'm partly responsible because I don't finish things fast and on time, but hey, I'm no Kenny, and even Kenny under-delivers sometimes.

Yes, even a god-tier character doesn't deliver sometimes. It all really depends on how much you're able to gauge what you promised to do within a day. And sometimes, the weather really affects you.

Like, seriously, the weather can affect you in the weirdest ways. It was discussed between me and the unicorns. Rosanne doesn't like sunny days, and I like sunny days. She feels that a hot weather is something to avoid when going out, I feel that it makes me too sleepy to go out.

Too sleepy to go out, and too sleepy to work at home, of course. On rainy days its usually me, 2 packets of indomie, and a few episodes of animes/dramas to watch. Once I'm done it's Playstation time. Playing the very games I have enjoyed for years.

But that's all my routine ever consisted of, gaming, watching animes and dramas, surfing the web and trying my best to find more animes and dramas to watch, and more games to play. I happened to chance upon Rookies the other time, and I thoroughly loved it.

Then I started to think, seriously speaking, what are my hobbies actually? More specifically, what is my main hobby? Is it to find things to watch? Is it to play games that interest me? Is it to disturb the others in my cliques?

I realized that whilst having a lot of hobbies I can choose from, I have none that really struck me as something that defines myself. I like drinking, I like going out, I like playing games, I like watching animes, reading mangas and watching dramas.

I like to eat, I kind of like to exercise, I like to cycle, I like to explore new places, and make new friends. I like to talk to people about my experiences and share with them what I learnt. I like to listen to what others have to say about their experiences as well.

I like to hang out with my old cliques, I like to find new things. I like to watch new shows, yet somehow stay loyal to my old shows. Same goes for the games I play. I like to find repetition in everything I do, and keep it to a routine, yet explore new places.

I realized that I am a living, breathing, contradiction. No matter what I do I always seem to contradict myself in the things that I do. Just the other day I found GunGrave, an anime and game series developed by Capcom, and designed by the guy who did Trigun.

I loved Trigun, and I love Capcom. But note that I'm contradicting myself here. I am finding something new, inside something that's old. Contradiction at its best. Now when I look back at the current animes I watch, I find it full of contradiction as well.

Excel Saga, GaoGaiGar, Muteki Koujin Daitarn 3. All are old titles, yet I find them new and refreshing. So does that mean the older it is, the more I'll like it?

No, doesn't work that way as well. At least not in gaming it won't. I like new games, just not as much as the older ones. Like Final Fantasy Tactics over 13, like Grandia 2 over 3, like Wild Arms 2 over 4, Like Suikoden 1 and 2 over 3 and 4.

Like Gungrave over Dynasty Warriors. Like Onimusha over Atelier Iris 3. But there are some good new ones that I can never fail to love. Like Persona over Final Fantasy 1. Like Star Ocean 3 over Final Fantasy 7.

I guess I'm a lover of things both new and old. I like the way games work and the way it is made. I love how designing balance works. I love how unique and fresh ideas are always spouting in the human mind.

For the better or for the worse, Baccano over Durarara.

Infinite (限)

2010-11-28T09:06:00.003+08:00

It all comes back to me.

Really, everything was my fault after all.

No no, it was all my fault. My fault for deciding to buy a bike which I can't conveniently park inside my house, a bike which would save me a hell lot of money and help me exercise a hell lot whilst cycling down to school, Bedok or Pasir Ris.

Hell, I was considering cycling down to Bugis. I mean, why not right? I do have a lot of time. I'm young, I have to have time, I mean, it's not like I'm bounded down to things like washing clothes all day long or do dishes for the family, right?

I still am able to go out every single day without fail, how can I not have time? Making friends here and there and strengthening my relationships with the ones that already are my friends, I have to have lots of time right?

I learn IT, so it shows that I don't even have much friends to begin with right? All these fake, non-existent characters in facebook that I seem to have are probably all clones of my own account, making myself look somewhat kinda popular, right?

That's why I said you're stupid. You're thick, you're stubborn, you don't make sense, and you're stupid. You're fucking irresponsible, you don't share common courtesy, you take everything for yourself thinking its yours, with one very simple reason.

Your husband died.

Yes. Your husband died. That's plenty to grieve about. I mean, plenty enough to run out of money after buying 4D every Wednesday, not having a proper stable job, washes clothes for your daughter once every two days, and complain to our landlord when I use the washing machine.

Yes, I really have a lot of time compared to your really busy schedule. But too bad I use my free time wisely. Playing games seem stupid at first, until you realize how much more sense I'm making right now compared to you.

Your husband died, that's a year ago I believe, why are you not moving on with your life? Why is your stuff still around the house? Why must you bring your religion into this household? Why are you taking up more space than me when I'm the one paying the rent?

Why am I servicing your computer for free? Why are you making more noise when you're not supposed to? Why aren't you grieving in the correct way like how a person should grieve? Why are you not making the best use of your life?

Last but not least. How the fuck are you doubling the electricity bill?

I'm not saying that it's wrong to throw your weight around because your husband is dead. Sure, it's a sad past, it's a sad situation, it is worth pitying. But what you shouldn't fucking do is drag other people into your shit, especially "strangers" like me.

Think about it, I only live with you, with bare minimum contact because I keep myself secluded to my room. Why don't I come out and interact more with you guys instead? Because I don't want to. Because I'm an outsider, because I KNOW MY FUCKING PLACE.

But no! I'm part of the family! You say. Yeah sure, say that while frowning at me every single morning you see me. Or every single other time I get out of my room and I see your fucking face. I don't think I'm being too noisy here, who are you to judge me?

Secondly, talking to myself is weird. I admit that. BUT TRY FUCKING LIVING ALONE FOR 4 MONTHS WITHOUT ANYONE TO TALK TO AT HOME, SEE IF YOU FUCKING BREAK DOWN GOD DAMN THICK FUCK.

Oh, I really love Taiko, by the way. I really love how being around my friends, I can put on my persona of happiness. Maybe Nigi Mitama, since he has such a cool face, and heals people too. A friend, anyone will do.

I guess Nazmi's quote was right. When you have nothing, everything seems very important to you. Or something like that. I guess he was right. When you have no family to rely on, there's always friends who stand by you, laugh with you, and maybe give critical, constructive criticism.

It's how I lived my life knowing, it's how I grew up, and does it make me a better person than you? No. I think it fucked my life more. Imagine if I didn't choose my friend properly. I got into a gang, I got into a clubbing life, I got into a hobby which requires me to spend even more money.

Doesn't that make me a failure in life? Doesn't that make me a fool? Doesn't that make me a loser? Of course it does. And when I do, I think you're the first one to laugh at me. Ha, this kid is useless, doesn't want to listen to his parents and all kinds of words will start spouting off.

Sure. I don't listen, but do I have a choice? Being the dependent person that I am, with my dependent personality and my dependence on others guiding me to the right path, what am I?

In fact, what am I exactly? I don't even have my own personality. I take bits and pieces from others and form it into my own mask. A mask that can cover up all my weaknesses, a mask that can ward danger away from me.

A mask where it made me reasonable, logical, and rational to boot. I think that's an accomplishment. An egoistical person without ego, an emotional person without emotions, a smart person without brains, a likable person which no one likes.

I guess this is why people tend to stay far away from me. I won't say I'm dangerous, because it sounds more like a Darwin, but I believe I make a worse human than you.

But compared to me, what are you?

Home (国)

2010-10-23T08:49:00.001+08:00

I flew back. Seriously, there was no other way to describe the situation I'm in right now. I don't especially like being in Indonesia without much things to do. In fact, I prefer it in Singapore, where I at least have stuff to do, but I love it here, such a contradicting feeling.

I don't like being constrained by my dad, or my mum, or getting dragged around the country doing stuff they want me to do, instead of the stuff I want to do myself. But I want someone to tell me what to do, because I have absolutely no inkling as to what to do here.

I want to spend my time roaming around malls, and possibly buying some stuff I need, like games, or maybe a few comics for myself, but I get restricted, because I'm not able to go anywhere without my dad sending me to that location first.

That's why I'm in a predicament, that's why I don't speak up. That's why living here is a chore for me, its mainly because I'm not used to being sent around to places, and commanding people where I want to go instead of going there myself.

But when I was young, I still remember myself wanting to go places without restriction. But that's when I was really small, and when I really don't know much things. I guess things changed over time, I can't randomly say "I want to go to a game shop" without mum or dad staring at me blankly and weirdly.

No, I don't want to look weirdly childish in front of them. Yes, I want to go to those places, but alone, without them having to supervise me as though I'm some retarded kid that can't take care of himself. It's my hobby, so why are they still supervising my hobby?

But that's why I love this place, you see? It has my family, cheap food, cheap stuff, cheap games, what else can I ask for? Even shopping for clothing is much preferred here compared to Singapore. The price difference is a little crazy if you ask me.

But at the same time, there wasn't as much things to do for me here rather than abroad. I can do so much more with the amount of time I spent here. Not that I'm denying that it actually allows me to rest, but I think I had enough rest, and want to get back on track.

One thing for sure, I wasn't expecting this haircut that Koko Tommy gave me. If you ask my mum or dad, they'd say it looks nice, but I think it's horrible. Going back to the mullet style when my chins are fattening is just... Discouraging.

I hate having short hair. Maybe I wasn't too vocal about this before but now I am. I fucking hate having short hair. It makes me look fat because I have a wide surface area for my cheeks, sure you all say that it's ugly but I think I look better with longer hair.

Maybe not long hair as in really long, but at least longer than what I have here. It personalizes me, it makes me who I am, not this stupid looking fag that calls himself Ricky. It's as though someone took your prized hairdo that you adore so much and made fun of it.

No, I do not appreciate your comments about my hair. No, I have no will and don't want to change the person I am. I am the person I choose to be, not who you choose me to be.

But being my parents, I think I'll probably fall back to being the person they want me to be again.

This sucks.

Reanimate (屍)

2010-10-12T01:00:00.002+08:00

End of SIP, but no, I haven't touched my report yet. I don't feel like doing it and bring closure to my SIP. Leaving a bittersweet feeling in my heart, I don't think I'll ever work as a teacher anymore in my life, unless something changes me and makes me do so.

I don't like it. This feeling of regret that I could have done a lot of things better, my way, or other people's way. I don't seek acceptance in what I do, I seek acknowledgement. I want others to see me as me, and not as someone that is just a fragment of everybody.

But that in itself is a lie, because it's the environment that shapes, not the base. A human base is the mind, the body, the spirit. Whatever else comes after is all due to the environment, and the amount of willpower a person has.

The moment I got back to my room, I started watching Darker than Black and finished it. Within a short few days, I did something I thought I can never do: Watching an anime nonstop until I got to the conclusion of the series.

It does have its good and bad points, for one, all plot and characters are still fresh in your mind when someone old is reintroduced and everyone expects the watchers to remember who he is. I don't usually recap my animes (except for a certain few) but I guess the characters left a deep enough impact to make me remember who they are.

Which brings me to wonder about the older animes that I've watched, what I can remember about them, what it meant to me, what I felt about it, what I learnt from watching it. I immediately thought of FLCL as one of the most influential animes I've watched.

I tried rewatching it, and I vividly remembered deciphering the first episode of FLCL as Idolization. Which is a phase in all of our lives that I believe we all went through. Naota-kun have always idolized his brother as a desirable figure. Someone to work towards.

That's why he liked Haruhara Haruko the first time he met her, because she resembled his brother so much, just in a female form. Carrying a bass guitar, and swinging it like it's a baseball bat, being loud and rowdy, riding a motorcycle, everything that's guyish that she does, he never does.

So it comes down to the point of idolization, where he revered her as something he want to be in life. He may not know it yet, but the feelings of wanting to be like someone is buried deep in his heart. Just waiting to surface.

But after briefly rewatching the same first episode, not only do I find the same idolization within the episode, I find other stuff I never considered important before: Mamimi's side of the story showed acceptance, yet another phase of life we all have to go through.

Mamimi was taking out her sexual frustation on Nao, not just because he is the brother of her boyfriend that is now in America, but also because she has no one else to confide in. She rejects everything that she doesn't know, and just selfishly have Nao just to please herself.

But what she doesn't know is that Nao is slowly falling for her, or maybe she does know and just wants to play with Nao's feelings, either way, it still leaves her as a fucked up character. Yet this characteristic somehow feels so real, so vivid, and so possible in real life.

Being selfish is a human instinct. Always wanting to have something for yourself, always wanting to have the best for the people around you, always wanting the best for yourself, sniveling, slobbering, scheming, selfish you.

But when she accepts the fact that her boyfriend is gone in another country, and not because of death, but because he had found someone new, as shown by her sleeping when Canti and the Hand alien were fighting, something good is created in itself : Canti.

It's also Nao's feelings of wanting to help Mamimi relieve some of her frustration upon hearing the news of her boyfriend having another girlfriend. This, combined with Mamimi's acceptance of the current situation, gave birth to Canti.

Or am I the one that's reading too deeply into the plot of this wacky, once-in-a-lifetime, bullcrap pieced together anime?

Rage (怒)

2010-08-14T19:13:00.002+08:00

Yes. I know posting this here will cause my colleagues to read. But that's what I want anyway. Saves me the time to explain myself in person since no one is going to listen to me anyway. Yes. I have an EQ of less than negative 9000. I understand, don't have to repeat, you're gonna sound like my mum.

I do turn into a kid when I am around them, that is a habit I've been trying to change. I scream and shout at the Primary school kids now. I felt evil. But the secondary school kids, I can't shout at them, all I can do is talk to them, shouting will make things worse. I understand, that's why I don't shout.

But I'm also wrong, because I'm not supposed to talk to them about anything other than work. It was a long and tiring walk to Makansutra Gluttons Bay and back. They were low on spirits when they were told they were asked to walk back. Is it wrong to perk their interest up a little and not feel so sian by talking about games to them? Because I play the same.

They were on the verge of murdering the teacher already when she told them they are not allowed to take their personal time out to complete the video. Especially the Sec 3 kids. Cass should have seen the same amount of hate I saw in their eyes.

They were asking me to take sides. Whether I'm going to help them complete the video, or just leave it as it is so they hand up almost nothing at all or just bad work. I told them I want them to complete their work, and don't mind taking time out after this to complete the shoot.

One of them have a video-camera. He immediately called his dad and asked him what brand it is and what memory does it use when we were chased out of the kopitiam. He said it was okay to use it to shoot and another one of them suggested doing voice over for the video.

I thought it was a nice idea, the other kids can't make it due to curfew reasons but the Secondary 3s were willing to go home, change, then meet up again to do a proper shoot this time. I told them maybe don't say its for school, just personal shoot, so that the principal and school don't get involved or hear about this.

Am I going too far to encourage them to take out their own time to complete their work? So what the hell is that teacher's problem? Saying I can't listen to her when she doesn't even want to listen to me in the first place?

Saying things like "The parents might be worried and they might get calls". Yes of course they will call, but from what I know of Secondary School kids. Especially Secondary 3s, they go out until times later than me, so what is their problem?

Worst part is, she didn't even tell me to bugger off. At all. I was on high alert the whole day and was listening to every single word anyone ever said. If she told me to bugger off, I would, and I did. Without her telling me. I refused to take a seat when the other kids asked me to.

Was that not enough time to talk to her kids about her MASTER PLAN to get them on her side? Or was she conspiring against me so that she gets to make me the black man? Saying things like "Oh this trainer said cannot complete so they can't do anything, but the school will allow your video shoot to continue without engaging the trainer's help."

Bitch more? Who's the one bitching anyway? I'm trying my best to help the kids finish their work, and there she goes, no go, no go, because whiny mothers and fathers are everywhere. Life sucks boohoo I am worried for you guys screw the trainers.

What the fuck.

Indifference (墓)

2010-08-02T23:56:00.002+08:00

Maybe I should start determining which habits are bad for my own health. Like sleeping late, or waking late. But I really feel that the biggest bad habit that I have is still not being able to control what I think.

I think in a straightforward and non-complex manner. Or so I believe. But what are these random circular trains of thought that I always seem to have in my head? For everything else, I can use a logical or at least a partially logical manner to think. But I guess feelings can't be controlled.

I guess I messed up big time inside, something that I felt that should not even be felt in the first place. Thinking too much into things, thinking about different possibilities, thinking about what my future may hold.

Yes I'm talking about my job. With Renqi's internship getting delayed once more, I truly realized what uncertainty in the future meant. With both of us getting rejected for GAMBIT, I thought that I should be envious of Renqi for landing the Hollywood attachment.

I was wrong, NUS did a major mess-up and now his flight is delayed once more. I hope they lose money out of this because Renqi himself now has the risk of not graduating with the rest of us. It will be such a shame.

Which is why I thought back to myself. What have I done so far that got me this awesome, once-in-a-lifetime internship? Shouldn't I treasure it more? Even though I feel like I'm already giving it my 100%, that's not how others see it isn't it?

I should give more than my 100%, so that others may see me as giving it my all. Right now I take out too much time into miscellaneous things such as watching shows and slacking at home. Can't I give it more than 100% and do extra work in the office during after-work hours?

That's my biggest fault thus far isn't it? My realization of my own weakness and faults, yet my 0 effort into changing anything about myself. In the corner of my mind, I feel that I am perfect, I am at my peak, there is nothing else I can do to change myself for the better.

So wrong yet so right. Yes I believe that I am a tad bit better than a lot of people I compare myself to out there. But that's all I believe in. Because if I don't believe in this, I don't think I have anything to compare myself to about.

People say I have talents, I am a hidden, lazy genius. I believe that I am smart, just that I take extra time to learn well whatever others can learn in a minute or two. I practice at home, I practice when I sleep. But once I master it, I forget about it.

Such as drawing. I remember being able to draw very well in Secondary 3. But now that I've come to Poly, and worse still, inside a design company that specializes in teaching people how to draw, I lose out, majorly.

I have close to no experience in designing, all but conceptualization, which I am proud to say I am pretty good at. But other than that, I'm an empty shell. I need a team to work with me to get things done, and I don't have a team with me, so what do I do?

I tried to learn Processing, a program that makes Flash look like a retard. I hated it. the feeling of having a program that has its own set libraries and method functions that you can't learn about. Worse still, no Intellisense. The world crumbled.

Now I should really concentrate on touching up my student's works, overtime, extra time, there isn't much more time for me to do things like this. Maybe during the exam period where the lessons die down a little bit, I can relax.

But for now, I should just concentrate on work. No love life, no arcade games, no late night movies with myself. Oh, and Samantha owes me $3.40.

Importance (初)

2010-07-06T15:48:00.002+08:00

I guess when you start having less time, the first thing you'll remove is time for yourself. Or maybe that's just me, being the me who loves going out spending time outside in the sun with a bunch of friends and a bottle of soft drinks.

Yes I truly enjoyed my weekend, even though I'm torn between 3 parties that I'm supposed to hang out with, I think I really utilized my time by going to the chalet, both days of cosfest, and getting some sleep at the same time.

The thing I lacked was having the time to dress up, put on anything fancy, and oversleeping. In this case, oversleeping refers to me slacking around at home, which is what I do best and what I enjoy best about life. Yes, I was deprived of rest.

Ever since I started going for Internship at CreativeHalo, sure it's been fun, but that was all it was. Fun. Sure it was enriching and fulfilling and also many other words that probably can't really describe how I really feel right now, but fun is the important factor.

Have you ever had fun in your job? Is it important to have fun in your job? Just like the consensus that Weiss Schwarz has, "If you don't like this series, don't play it. Like how Ricky can't stand the sight of moe he plays Persona instead".

But personally, persona is another kind of moe. It is the mature, violent, heart-throbbing kind of moe, rather than the kind that makes you go awwww, so sweet, let me cuddle you in my bed while thrusting something really violent down there.

Back to my point, I'm taking even more time out of my schedule to go work, and thus has even less time to play around with my classmates. Which was why I really felt great at Cosfest, because Sebastian was there for both the days doing nothing but following me.

Thanks a lot Sebastian, at least I still have someone from class willing to hang out like usual without doing anything much but arcade, walk around, snapshot, then arcade again. For both days. Thanks a lot for being there, even when you didn't want to go back the second day.

Taiko Chalet was more than fun. It was retarded. Playing bastard big-two the whole night, then watching people dance to the Suzumiya Haruhi game. Makio bringing his Wii and taiko drum sets over are probably the most awesome thing that he can get for us. Thanks Makio.

All in all it was a lot of fun. There was food to be eaten, games to be played, air con to be enjoyed and brains to relax. The only one that was stressed is probably Kyon because his costumes aren't exactly done yet. But then again, it's his passion.

I recruited yet another taiko player on Sunday! Yay. Much lulz were had when I saw her failing Kanon, but don't worry! Everyone fails Kanon on first try anyway. Played it almost 10 times before passing it last time. Not only it is fast, it's pretty spam as well.

Well there was some other things that went wrong. First of all, I was late in paying my bills, I have not applied for concession yet and the transport fees are up to my neck already. Being a teacher rocks and everything but I get scared that the kids don't like me and such.

My BlackBerry plan application did not go through. Apparently I need to bring my guarantor to get the thing signed. I'm lacking sleep and will continue to do so as long as I go for JCG events, my cloth is with Zhao Han and our FFF is not done.

I eat too much and I work too little.

Basically, I'm a mess right now. Now if only someone would come over lift me up, pat my back, and then tell me I'm doing fine as a human/person/being thing.

Train (思)

2010-06-24T04:23:00.002+08:00

I guess I really need times like the one I just had, simply cycling alone along the park connector, heading down to Giant's to grab hotdogs and other things I may need for the next few days. The cool breeze that blew past me, the calming, cold air. That's my life isn't it?

Then I realized I haven't had the time to do these kind of things anymore, it was always event after event. Sure hanging out is fun, but isn't Ricky's personal time what makes Ricky into Ricky? So why would I deny something that molded me into myself?

I think not. It's not denying myself, it's more of a fear, a fear of becoming someone else I have yet to become. I felt insecure, felt like things were changing around me, that's why I got lazy, that's why I wanted to turn back into myself, to not allow any further change from happening.

But think back, wasn't change always good? If I had stayed the person I was before, would I be standing here with the support of many behind me? Would I have really pulled up my socks in what I do and what I have become?

Change, such a mysterious word, like many other things in life, it can be taken positively and negatively. Like how a sense of justice can be taken both positively and negatively. This is a concept called "ambiguity of adjectives".

Let's take a person who can't keep secrets for example. People might consider that person a traitor, always stuttering nonsense about other people behind that person's back, spreading lies and rumors and creating something out of nothing. That person is definitely evil, right?

But think of it from another point of view, that person is just honest, and wants a common topic to talk about, and can't come up with anything aside from talking about a common person that they know about. Does that make it a sin?

Some say yes, others say otherwise, that's why it's called an opinionated world. In my sense, I would consider it to be evil. Because the responsibility of a secret is to be kept until otherwise spoken about, and even when spoken about, it's not about you, so it doesn't really matter.

But what if it's a life-changing secret. Something drastic as to be able to save another person's life if spoken out. Like a trap that's been devised to kill off someone, and you're entrusted with the knowledge of the trap, but doing so will break your promise, will you do it?

If it was me, I won't say it out. Not because I'm an evil character, but because I simply feel that it's not my place to do so. It's not my life, and it's a secret entrusted to me. If the one going in is a complete stranger, why should I help him? Is there any guarantee he will reward me?

Change, such a mysterious word. A person can become pessimistic about the things he face overnight, a human losing all hope, gaining abilities, changing his demeanor and look simply because he wanted to change something about himself.

They say the human's best ability is his ability to adapt. This goes without saying, is another form of change. For a person to change his actions and behaviors to suit his surroundings, like learning how to fish when there is no land animals, like learning to go vegetarian when there's no meat.

But why is it so hard to change a person? To change the way they think rather than the way they behave? Wasn't physical things easier to accomplish rather than mental tasks? Like how designing is always harder than menial tasks.

Or is that not the reason why design work is so highly paid, yet something menial and boring like a factory line worker so lowly paid? Think about all the possibilities of the world when everything is equal, when the demand and supply hits a perfect balance.

What then? Will humans strive for things such as free trade and democracy again? So that one might get rich and the others get poor? They talk of freedom to live, freedom to work, yet they are laughing at the working folks, saying they're dumb?

So succumb to your artsy desires, street perform, because isn't that what pays the best? Rather than a meager menial factory line work? Go ahead and work your ass out on the streets then, because menial work might prove a little too tough for you, unpolished talent.

You guys make me sick.

Jesus (稣)

2010-06-18T00:15:00.002+08:00

For Christs' sake can't I just cycle in peace back home? Without incidents? Without anything to piss me off for the last minute and making me unable to bath and go straight to bed right after a whole day in school having fun slacking around?

So I cycle past a bunch of mats. All guys, one girl. If that doesn't sound like much danger I suggest you try doing something like that as well. They started hollering after me in Malay thinking I won't understand what they are hollering about.

I was pissed. More pissed at myself for not being able, or not daring to do anything to them. Because anything I do if not behind the keyboard against more than 20 people will probably end up in my ass getting whooped.

Sure I can fight, well, against one or two, maybe. Anyone can throw a few painful punches here and there, block once or twice. And it's not like I'm not a guy, being a guy almost already warrant you to be in one fight or two.

But having five against one is usually already suicidal, much worse, twenty. If the girls aren't going to fight then it's nineteen. That's still almost quadruple the suicidal ratio. Even if I'm God, or at least godlike in a lot of sense, it's still a stupid fight.

No. I am not trying to make myself look good.

No. I am not overconfident about myself.

Okay maybe a little overconfident. But it's overconfidence in things that I understand. That I know I'm good at, maybe not so much on fighting, but at least I do know a thing or two. Or language. I realized I'm really good at it.

I may not be much in real person, but behind the keyboard, I'm invincible. There are so many things that I can do and say online but not offline. I need to have more rage, more courage. Hey Courage actually has rage inside them.

Maybe if I started being a REAL warrior who uses rage to fight, I'll start becoming more imba.

I need to try this out.

Resolution (君)

2010-06-07T05:13:00.002+08:00

There was a time when I believed everything was going well, but I think those times are over. I can't get back on my feet after my fall, like a fallen boxer in his own personal ring, getting so comfortable and cocky he lost his own balance.

It's more of a feeling of despair. The feeling that your purpose in life have been turned around 180 degrees. When you thought that moving ahead in this part of life is something that you should be doing, yet get turned down a little afterward.

I guess a lot of people go through this phase of life. This pinch of rejection, this ambiguous light-headed feeling. Something that you look forward to because you know is coming and make you a better person, yet want to avoid at all costs.

No matter, as long as there's rejection, there's improvement, I believe, or at least it is something that you know you should improve on. Rejected by society, change bad habits, rejected by girl, change bad habit, rejected by family... Well, makes you a loser.

Which is why I always say that the only constant point in life is your family. Stop living off them, live by yourself! Take care of yourself, wash your own clothes, buy your own food, clean your own room, get rid of your own pests!

It is something life changing, it is something everyone will experience in life, and when not looked upon with scorn, it is actually quite a lot of fun! Imagine having your best friends over for a drink without getting stared at by your parents! How much fun is that?

Life is a coin, take it or leave it. There is no bad side without its good side. You get into shitty situations, you make the best out of it, because you know that one day, you might just get heads instead while tossing that same coin.

Unless of course, you're using a magic coin. Like a cheat code, or a family inheritance thing. Then you'd be getting heads all the way no matter how many times you flip that coin. It's really quite unfair in life actually, because some people really do have cheat codes.

Think about the rich, the beautiful, the glib tongue, the one that's well liked by all because of status and looks. Have anyone ever felt envious about those people? Ever wondered if they have went through a single day of hardship in life?

Of course they have. Everyone have their own share of hardships. Even those high up and mighty. Look at the amount of stress they have to bear! Drinking wine every night just to keep up with clients, shaking hands, rushing from a meeting point to another.

Some might say, "So what? I will probably enjoy my life if I were to be in their situation!" And of course you will. Drinking wine and beer every night does not sound like a bad life right? The only downside is perhaps your love life.

What love life? You're well liked by all, everyone adores you, girls throw themselves onto you, guys want to be your friends, sticking by you, bootlicking you. Making sure you feel comfortable and happy tonight so you might treat everyone to a drink.

That's where they lack out actually. Have you ever seen a rich and beautiful person live life the happy way? Having all the looks and the money in the world, they are expected to excel in their studies as well. They are expected to be gracious and polite. Not the uncouth and unruly like us.

Then comes the constraint of freedom. With more benefits in life, you constantly have one item taken away from you. And that item is freedom. There is no other alternative for freedom, there is no other medicine that grants you that.

The only thing that will grant you the same thing is your death. Where you lose all your material belongings, but gain total freedom to do whatever you want in your deaths. It becomes commonplace to think that death is the answer to all, but it is not.

Death is but a momentary bliss. I believe in reincarnation, so I believe that one day, out there, in a different place, in a different time. We would be able to experience life again. But not knowing the values of life, we are all forced to relearn it the hard way.

Welcome to the game of life, where the continual torture of consuming and digesting is repeated to the end of time.

Shitstorm (糞)

2010-06-02T00:57:00.003+08:00

I believe in every community, shits always happen. If not, people won't start comparing life to shit. Where sometimes it goes by smoothly, but the ones that make you suffer are the one that you won't know is coming out.

Because of this, I always tell myself that perhaps shit can be treated with in a positive, optimistic yet unnervingly hypocritical way. By looking at the amount of shit I've been through, which isn't exactly what a young person should be saying, I say I have quite a bit of experience.

No, I'm joking. I haven't been through much shit, or at least, shit about me, I've only watched shit spin down the toilet bowl, that means, from the bystander point of view. I believe everyone should clean up themselves after they shit, regardless of gender.

You can't really cause trouble and run away, I learnt that kind of the hard way. Don't claim that you know things that you don't, this part I must remind myself. I tend to ramble on and on when I'm under stress or fatigue to conceal it. But truly, I'm just digging my own grave, aren't I?

So let's take for an instance that I rambled on and on and I happen to annoy someone, what do I do? Run away? Continue to be silent towards the guy acting all cool high and mighty as though nothing has happened and it's the other person's fault?

Oh come on, there must be something. For the matter, wearing an Urahara hat does not make you any cooler. The only feeling I get is disgust and hatred, and you just amplified it by acting retarded. Yes, you acted retarded. You.

It's almost annoying to have a person bug you when you're playing a thinking game, okay maybe not as annoying as someone who screams "OH DAMN YOU MISSED THAT" or "YOU ALMOST GOT THAT PART" every time you miss while playing a Rhythm game.

Thinking games are supposed to quietly boost your intellect. Your reasoning, your planning, your style of attacking and talking. I want to believe I have become a better thinker after playing rounds after rounds of Tetris. But no, you have proved me otherwise.

Talking to you really feel like it's draining my life away. Not only do I get the feeling that you don't realize you're lowering other's intelligence level as you ramble on and on, I think you're actually helping me, you're serving as a mirror for myself. Oh sweet.

Yes, the reason why I find myself annoying is because of you. Because your style of talking is similar to mine, the knowledge that you possess is similar and of the same level as mine. So I thought to myself "Do I sound like you?"

At first, I thought maybe it's acceptable, but as time goes on and you ramble on and on, I think it's not really pleasant to the ears. Yes I still can talk to you because I consider you someone I know. I don't choose talking partners you know.

Maybe that's the biggest problem about me. Maybe I don't choose, that's what makes me a coward. I don't dare to choose, more like I don't want to choose. Because choosing makes the other choice seem bad. Seem like this is the ultimate truth.

So if I chose to talk to you, and I believe its the utmost high and mighty choice around, would I look like I'm desperate for friends? No. Would I look like I choose to talk to someone not well-liked compared to the rest? No.

But it doesn't mean that the questions won't be brought up. Even if I believe in my highest choice, I will still question myself whether the choice I made is a good one or not. I can't say for sure that everyone's stares does not change the person I am.

I can't say I'm the kind of person that goes "As long as I have you, my best buddy, I can run across seas and punch walls and break them" or things like that, thing is, you went from white to black. And I don't usually shift people in my classification.

Thanks a lot for pissing me off deep inside. If you are unhappy, don't express it, tell us about it. Maybe it will make you a more decent person. Or maybe the wall will like to hear your opinions. Yes, the facebook wall.

Mentlegen (爆)

2010-05-31T00:31:00.002+08:00

So much win, so much epicness, all within the span of 6 seconds of a popular online meme. This should be what memes are about. Short and sweet. Easy to understand, yet packs the full punch of a full length joke. Much laughter was had when watching that video.

Just youtube for "mentlegen?". It's all you need. That one video brought much lols and trolls to their knees with it's awesome epicness. I don't think I need to write anymore. Just enjoy the mentlegen-ness for yourself.

Irritant (数)

2010-05-30T10:58:00.002+08:00

Cockroach.

Yes, cockroach, in my room, yesterday, freaked me so badly when i lifted my bag i decided to Baygon the whole room before leaving house. I hope it dies under my bed somewhere. and hopefully never see it again.

But then again, its due to my really lazy habits around the house, or in this case, the room. I don't really have a house anymore remember? Heh. But in any case, this post was actually not supposed to be about the cockroach, its something more... personal.

Well I'm a busybody, as you all can see, I like prodding my nose into where it doesn't really belong, and don't take it the ecchi way. I am, as far as I know, still not in a relationship with anyone just yet, not that it's something to complain about.

I like being a busybody, I like to compare things that other people have felt against what I've felt. I like to hear bad stories about rage and anger and injustice. I like to hear people bitch about the next person they don't like.

Some people call this gossiping, but I feel that it has a higher value than just gossip. It's more like cross referencing. If you hear about someone negatively, keep it inside yourself, then when you really meet and get to know the person yourself, tell if the other person is biased or not.

Of course I'm biased, I admit that I really am super biased against my own kind. The guys. I hate guys that nonchalantly and inexcusably flirt in front of me. Or act mushy with their girlfriend in front of me. It doesn't make me jealous, it just makes me hate you.

Okay, fine, a little jealous. Because I know I can't do something like that, that's why I threaten to kiss Zhao Han or Zhen Hong whenever anyone does anything funny in front of me. It's a love hate situation. I like to hear gossips, yet when something saucy is in front of me, I hate it.

Its irritating I suppose. To have a personality that's as conflicted and as stupid as mine. I think too much, yet think too little when it comes to work. I have already pretty much past given up on my work, as long as I graduate out of this course, I'm a happy man.

Or so I thought myself. I want to do my best in everything I do. That's what being imbalanced means right? Or is simply being Ricky is enough to make you imbalanced? I know not, and I care not. All I know is that I'm missing out on a lot of things in life, and I'm there to get it back.

How about kinship? The lost amount of time that I could spend with my family? I guess I lost a lot of that as well when it comes down to living alone in a foreign country. I needed more than a voice to support me. Maybe a hug, maybe a kiss, maybe a girlfriend.

Nope no girlfriends for me, good friends are enough, fine, dandy, and abundant. Like the same way I'm in denial for the fact that I need someone close, I tend to hug my male friends a lot, and they tend to hug me back.

First of all, I thank you guys, the ones who hug me back and bore with it despite looking gay afterwards. But no I'm not going to kiss you guys don't worry. I haven't went past the desperation limit for kinship yet.

I know it is annoying when you're hugged by the same gender every 3 times you see that person. That person being me of course. But know that I mean no harm, and in no circumstance am I turning gay. I just need a hug, thats all.

Maybe I should force myself on some girls next time, like having my way with them while acting casual, natural, and that it should be the right thing to do. Maybe I'll get away with it, maybe people will start liking me less. But then I would think about it: "Is this annoying?"

Of course it fucking is. Because whenever I see something like this happening in front of me I will always threaten to kiss Zhen Hong or Zhao Han. I hope I shave on that day if not the close up scene for my face will look really gross.

In any case. I hope I never become a flirt. Not only does the title make it detrimental for your brain health, you get looked down upon in life and shit starts tornado-ing around you. Just like a yo-yo, but worse.

Save the innocent little girls, flirts, because they are destined to be owned by good guys like me.

Commitee (会)

2010-05-16T17:47:00.002+08:00

Oh hai, been a long time since I wrote something, so amidst all the craziness around me I have decided to write something in this already dusty place. Let's see how many people actually read it this time round.

"Hai"

I was going to write a one word post. But decided against it. I have work to do, and if I wasn't wrong there is a test tomorrow on BSCG, not only that there's assignment to handup and compile as well. Oh jolly goody, yet for some reason I don't feel like getting started.

Nope, not exactly emo, but more like lazy. The past 2 days have really taken out a lot in me. And not just the camp, but I've constantly been doing laundry and chores for the whole day. For some reason I can bring myself to do these things, yet my BSCG report is still empty.

Marketing, it's a big word for someone inexperienced like me. Like an ant trying to grasp the meaning of intelligence. It's a concept so complex and uninteresting due to my own lack of intelligence. Yes, that's what the word marketing seems like to me.

Why so? Because it feels natural. Isn't buying low and selling high the first thing your common sense tells you? Isn't finding cheaper alternatives rather than going for expensive spendings something that you feel like you should do naturally?

That's why it seems foreign. Because when you want to put it into professional words, it all comes out as informal and uninteresting as possible. Sure it gets my homework done, but how well can you tell yourself you've put in your best for this piece of work?

And especially when you're doing it in a group. What if your teammates are not happy with your work? What will they do then? What will happen then? What might they suggest? What is going to happen to the work you've done so much for?

Does it become nothingness? Or will it be refined into a better piece of work? Either way, it's still going to disappear, so why work so hard for something that's going to disappear? To survive? To continue on living your life? To make more absurd stories they call thesises?

Human's lives are shaped like a downward spiral I believe, all you can ever go is downward. You get money, you start to take underhanded methods, you take up religion, you follow the orders of someone ambiguous that you consider higher up than you.

You get promoted, you bring down someone else who might get the promotion, you say you deserve it, but what can the other person say about himself if he got the promotion? He would say he deserve it as well, right?

Ambiguous as human life is, I'm still alive. And I still must continue on this role playing game where I take on the role of a stupid inexperienced youth that thinks too much and blogs to deny himself the time to do homework.

Amen.

Hiatus (休)

2010-04-30T13:28:00.002+08:00

The only time where you realize you have a lot of homework, is when you realize that you don't have anymore time to complete it. Maybe it's just in my blood that I procrastinate, a lot, but maybe it's also something that's happening around me, right?

Take for example the latest flu/cough pandemic. Amongst every 5 people, 2 are down with cough and 3 are down with flu. The case is so bad that I had to wait 2 hours just to get my eye checked again. Yes I poked my eye, with paper, how stupid is that?

My eye's fine now, but my flu and cough don't seem to be dying off. It's a friday and we're supposed to have the whole day to do our assignment that is due midnight tonight, and yet we're forced to go NAPHA in the next 2 hours, just because the government want us to.

I'm not even going to serve the country, and I have to put up with this kind of useless crap? I'm not an athlete, I don't even exercise, much, at least, unless you count the usual taiko sessions as exercising then that's another thing altogether.

All I wanted was to wake up and do some work, and I find myself posting in a long dead blog that I haven't cared about for quite some time. Once again, procrastination is truly in my blood. Or maybe it's passed down for any Gabrielite on Earth.

Sorry guys, I dragged you all down. I'll work earlier and faster for the next tasks. No more slacking around and shit like that. I need to pull my socks up and really, really start doing work.

Real (演)

2010-03-18T00:18:00.002+08:00

So I watched a few shows these past few days. Most of it was to de-stress, and a little of it is to celebrate the almost completion of my project. But apparently I'm the only one rejoicing, because the rest didn't turn up for Goemon.

Firstly was Summer Wars with Keith. He begged me to watch it with him because of all the positive reviews it got from the board of them anime watchers of cinemas. Well, can't say I didn't like it. But once again, I'll point out those things that normal people won't understand.

Summer Wars is interesting in a certain way. Because first of all, while proving themselves to be once again invincible, it really shows a weak side to human beings. For an AI of that standard, that only has one function, and that is to gain more knowledge and power than it already has, to wreck so much havoc in the online world.

And it also shows the anonymity of our online personas. People like us, we tend to disguise ourselves when we go online, like how the ugliest of us can turn into beautiful and handsome people online. Because all they are interacting with, is who you pretend yourself to be.

Think about it this way, if such a thing ever happened to us, and that all our anonymity online gets destroyed and we are left without a virtual world to rely upon. Where will the ones without a real human life live their life like?

For those that are virtual, like myself, there is a big difference of persona worn when online and offline. Will they revert to being who they were before they turned virtual? Or will they continue being who they are online? Just offline this time around.

Then the bad and good habits of being anonymous online will come to surface. Those who flame, those who are judgmental, those who are flirtatious, those who are just when given the power, those who dare to voice their opinions, and those who weep online.

Maybe it's just me. But not having an online persona for me to play with and play pretend, I just can't think of a life being me that is without it. I must have a way to splurge out all the pent up intense feelings I get from real life, and direct them at stupid online people.

In the hope of bettering them and myself actually. Because that's who I really am, a control-freak. I like to play god, I like to make things good and nice, I hate flaws, I hate weaklings, I like to make things strong, one, complete, perfect, omniscient beings. That is me.

It reflects a bit in my real life as well. I try to implement my thoughts into other people, forcing my own beliefs on top of others. Thinking it's the better for them, then I try to stop myself, I try not to put me into another being, because turning others into me is definitely not a good thing.

But does that mean I'm easily manipulated as well? The answer is yes. I find myself easy to manipulate. Talk to me enough, and I'll change my mind. Talk some sense into me, and I'll take a neutral stand, and I'll take the side of the one that favors me more.

While still feeling the burning desire to slap the party I'm supporting, of course, if not, how can I be just? The only way to be just is to slap both parties at the same time. To slap whatever the cause, whatever the reason, whatever their arguments stand.

I can't help but to do that, why? Because that's me. Now imagine a world without the virtual one, my account got stolen in OZ, there is no more chatroom for me to flame and be anonymous anymore, what will happen then?

Will the control freak come out and try and puppeteer everyone? Or will I revert back to being myself and become less of a control freak because I don't practice it so much anymore? How much will the world change if this ever happens?

Imagine a life without facebook, a life without internet, a life without your mobile phone, a life without ground lines, a life where you can't make faraway and ambiguous friends. How many less couples will be matched? How many more unhappy divorces will be filed?

How many more people will clamp themselves up inside their room? Not being able to do anything right in a life non-virtual, how many more suicide cases will appear on the newspaper? Or are those people that have been clamping themselves in their room finally take a step out?

Will the world better itself? Or will it crumble?

Fish (鱶)

2010-02-07T02:19:00.001+08:00

So.... What's up? Aside from getting thrown to and from Singapore and Indonesia, I guess nothing much has been up after all. I messed up AIGD, and I'm going to bring Jeremy down with me because of my mess-up, I can't believe how much I screwed up.

I needed a break, and I'm going to get it. I don't care how, or how long, I need one, and I really mean I do. I guess it'a about time I picked up my pace, started looking around the place and really living for myself, rather than for the gaming every night.

So I sit, around in my room, whining about how small the room is, and how much table space I have and how little time I have to do any work. When most of the time I'm not even taking care of myself properly.

I'm no independent learner, I'm just a foolish person thinking I was independent! I need to start looking at things from a normal human's retrospect, sleeping early, waking up early, doing dishes, washing clothes, squeezing zits.

Maybe then, I will be able to really feel like I got back onto my feet. Don't lift me up, I need to get back up there on my own. Start taking control of your own life, Internet Addcition is something that can be kicked, right?

So first of all, start running early in the mornings, helps regulate sleeping time and slim down, and maybe take up some of my free time that I have too much of as well. Cut down on videos, facebooking, watching dramas, animes, playing games, and so on.

Or maybe this is what it means to grow up and be mature, to become generic, the working class, the one who slaves all day from 9-5, the one who does all his work on time, though not exceptionally well, and sometimes not look-worthy.

Cut down on spendings, still don't spend any money on clothing and accessories, cut down on food money, cut down on computer parts money, cut down on electricity bill, cut down on tidbits money. Cut down on travel money.

Playing money, I think that's the one I need to cut down on the most. I still have a Super Street Fighter 4 to buy when it's released, a Metal Gear Solid: Peacewalker, a PS3 and all the games I missed out, and my very own QWERTY phone, LG GW300.

I can cut down on half of that. I guess, Super Street Fighter 4 may not even work on my computer anyway, it can't support BlazBlue Coninuum Shift, so how can it support such a high definition game anyway?

Oh shit, thread derailment. I fail at life. Maybe I really should take a break from computing, and look at living things for once. Like watching Small Soldier Big Soldier. Or some crazy horror flick.

Closure (窾)

2010-02-03T00:24:00.002+08:00

Yeah, complaints is closing, I am going into yet another state of hiatus and semi hibernation. There goes my endless hours of happiness and joy and fulfillment within, aside from talking to Maya, in which soon became a legal chore rather than something I enjoy.

Why has it become a chore? Because now is not the time that I share my problems with her, she is the one sharing her problems with me, and asking for advice. Yes, sounds decent, and sounds sensible, it's just sharing of problems, what can go wrong?

Everything. First of all, she doesn't listen to me. It's like talking to a brick wall. I tell her something, and is the right thing to do, she doesn't like it and doesn't listen to me. I tell her it's for her own good, best course of action, still won't listen.

Okay, maybe some people are just harder to talk to, fine, I can live with that. Then she tells me the same thing every night, about this guys she really likes, while fully knowing that I still like her. Fine, go ahead, tell me all about him.

Then I tell her to do what I think she should do again, oh wait, there's rule number one isn't it? Do not listen to Ricky's words, and do the exact opposite of what he wants. Okay, be like that, continue on living while whining to me every night.

Great, then you come up to me and tell me that you're jealous because your female colleagues have boyfriends. So go ahead damn it, confess to the one you like! You're afraid to lose him then practice going out with someone else first! Or even yourself!

No, still won't do a thing about it. Jealousy so what? It's all right as long as I'm still alive. Don't need to have a boyfriend to live. Yes, true, then stop getting jealous over your friends. As if you like your friend's boyfriend or something.

Then talk about work, a lot of shit here, a lot of shit there, don't like this person, don't like that person. Get a clue lady, this is real life, if everybody in this world like each other, then there wouldn't be wars going on. Just accept them for who they are.

My turn to talk, I don't like someone, you ask me to slap them. HELLO LADY, I AM IN A SCHOOL HERE, IF I WERE TO SLAP EVERYONE I DON'T LIKE THEN I WOULD HAVE SLAPPED YOU A LONG TIME AGO FOR REJECTING ME.

And a lot of times at that, because you annoy me with your stupidity. Like the way you REPEATEDLY REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THE ADVICE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. And suggesting really stupid things to do to people I don't like.

Fine, I stop talking about myself, because your replies are always stupid anyway. You stop interacting with me in front of everyone else, fine. But you still come to me every night to talk to me, why? Because I'm a fucking wall isn't it? Nice to talk to?

Yes, you can whine, but can you please stop giving people reason to rape you? Or putting yourself in a position where something may happen but you don't want it to? Or have people stalk you because you don't seem to have a boyfriend like you should?

If you're going to meet with trouble, then shouldn't you try to avoid it? If you don't like someone in the house, chase her away? Instead of running away? Tell her that you want more quality time with your brother? Instead of you going out of house?

If that didn't work, then maybe live with it? Buy earplugs? Listen to music? Run to your friend's house and let yourself get raped? With your short term memory and natural air-headedness, who knows what could have happened?

Okay great, so you think something happened but you don't remember anything, then he said nothing happened so nothing should have happened right? I mean, he's the one that said nothing happened? But no, you chose to stress over it.

Sure, I may have done this to you before, harassing you like a piece of shit, and guess what? You hated me for it. But now, isn't it the other way around? I'm the one stressed here, and you add on to it. I'm sorry, my brain does not compute.

In other words, please, do not bother me for a moment, if you finally decide to do something about it instead, finally, and of whining to me every night without any progress, where I have to go to SGCafe and troll to actually get some steam off.

Come back and talk to me again, but before that, do something about that horrible attitude of yours.

Event (初)

2010-01-31T01:56:00.002+08:00

Well I have to admit, I really did enjoy myself at SoY. No matter how many times I danced around in awkwardness and little jittery moments, no matter how many times I realized I got hungry and thirsty and need the remedy for such emotions, I really did have fun.

Not because I was there, not because I am finally recognized in public, but because I really enjoyed the time I spent there. Sure it can be spent on other things that are more likely to benefit me better such as completing my walk cycle animation, but having fun is also a must right?

I mean, if there was no need to de-stress, I think everyone would be holed up under their desk and completing games left and right, here and there, and meeting deadlines and milestones as easily as going for an event that includes plenty of physical activity.

Oh wait, they already are, aren't they? I mean how many thousand times have we seen the ever so common brown FPS shooter that includes lots of flashy guns and explosions and throwing of grenades without even a hint of thought that the game might not work?

That the game might not sell? That the game might not get positive remarks because it has no interesting feature? Because the game just does not appeal to the masses anymore? Because the game has a really sucky storyline?

In any case, I give up on the FPS world, it's so damn boring with all the repetitions of games bein created without a hint of creativity, try WolfTeam, that's what I call innovation, not that shapeshifting have been an invention of the millenia.

Back to SoY, I had fun, yeah, being Luggage Boy #1 and lugging the bags of my new-found friends around. Because Wayne and Castillo and Zhao Han ran off to some other person's birthday party, and going home will be such a bother.

In fact, I would like to get to know more people from the JCG. So far I have known about two cliques of people, and still don't really know how the hierarchy order works. So maybe I can ask Wayne about it tomorrow.

And yes I am really a shy person inside, boohoo I can't communicate with a bunch of girls well, I think in fact guys who can talk to more than one girl at a time when they just met must be some frivolous flirt, unless you know that group as a whole and not as individuals.

But hey, that's really where individualism comes from right? Knowing a person by their person, and not knowing a person by their clique? I guess that is why I fail at group communication, and must really brush up on my non-existent social skills.

So, all in all, I had a fun day, and tomorrow is gonna be fun, just like today, and hopefully I will be able to get some productive work done. Either that, or at least get some powers in talking to the maids in Akibanana.

Either that, or maybe I'll just sleep my worries off.

Break (崔)

2010-01-27T03:05:00.002+08:00

Plenty of shit happened. Shit that makes me smile, shit that makes me laugh, shit that makes me angry, and the worst of all, probably shit that makes me cry. I don't claim that life must everyday be a bed of roses, but I guess I really want to enjoy a happy life.

I was following the epic saga on sgcafe, about a guy that's 20+ and desperate and likes touching girls bodies. I like this kind of news, because it makes me feel so inferior as a man, hur hur derp. But this is probably the one thing that made me smile.

While he sure have ended up being court martialed, I really simply regret why I have never actually done it before. If he can get away with it and did it to 12 other girls, so why have I never done it before?

Simply because I'm too nice, right? I mean, I think I deserve a medal for being single for so long while frivolously looking anyway. I don't think I'm looking hard enough anyway, considering it's already 4 and I'm still awake.

I'm probably going to get a black eye tomorrow, or skip QingFu's lunch. In any case, not emo, just pretty sad that the ShadowKid14 saga is over. That, and I should probably stop posting in the complaints section, it belongs to Miavi and gang.

Sleep, nights, and lights out for now, I guess, don't really have much interesting things or thoughts that float around my head once or twice every sleepless night. Maybe because I'm actually pretty happy and satisfied.

Maybe love can find me a partner soon, but until then, I'll have to be my own cupid.

Penalty (繁)

2010-01-24T03:21:00.002+08:00

I have been around. But I guess not as around and self absorbed in my world of gaming and pretty much semi solitude that I have been taking for granted within the small constraints of my little room. All I have been doing is nothing but anti-social acts.

Broadening my horizons, and learning to troll the anti-faggot way, would probably be my first step to stand out in a community where I would not get looked at weirdly no matter how normal I feel I am dressing as.

First of all, I tried posting as a troll in the complaints section of SGCafe, but got burnt away pretty quickly by the experienced and powerful trolls that have been living there for quite some time. I have a lot to learn, must persevere!

For now I shall lurk, reading comments that will prove to boost my self esteem in becoming more of an outward person than I could ever be. I have realized that I like doing one thing, and that is to look at people flaming each other.

First one that I took a look at was the thing that landed me into trouble in the first place. The Radical_Dreamers thread. I have yet to see another person in such a delusional world. Or maybe it's to create such an epic troll that no one can understand.

A troll so epic that all other trolls are actually angry at him. It's almost magical to see someone that does not take anyone else's words to their heart, but continues posting crap and trash that he feels is justifiable and right.

I personally respect him/her. Go get them trolls, troll back the trolls the really trolly way.

Penalty for myself: mindfuck.

Slow (頓)

2010-01-22T04:32:00.002+08:00

I may be a little slow and retarded, but probably not as much as today. Usually I don't even go to SGCafe, but today feels a little boring and I don't really want to start doing Maya just yet, so I took a peek.

I quickly started posting where I don't belong, and that is the complaints section, bad move Ricky, really bad move. I may have to remove myself from the forums for this. In fact, I should do that right now.

I guess one whole day worth of schooling really takes a toll on anyone. I was dead tired by the end of the day, all I can do is to try and recover the amount of stamina lost by relaxing out, but apparently that, won't suffice as well.

I'm still tired, and will probably be even more so tomorrow. But who cares, I guess when you have death metal blood within you, you really tend to move around like a zombie, lifeless, dead tired, yet still moving.

Oh sorry, cult metal. Progressive Rock band Kamelot has enchanted my ears once again with their masterful pieces. I wonder if I'm the only one on Earth that is able to decipher through all their mysterious lyrics?

But once again, lyrics mean nothing when compared to beat. You may have horrible lyrics that no one understands, but as long as you play the music well, who gives a damn, really? Well, at least I don't judge music by its lyrics, it's just stupid.

I guess I'm just in a desperate need to eat something, possibly drink a lot of liquor tomorrow, and go home and sleep for about an eternity before waking up and realizing I haven't done any AIGD yet.

LoL (喜)

2010-01-02T18:52:00.001+08:00

This is it, bestest biggest news that I have realized and have to make up till now, how can I miss such an obvious thing that girls should know better than the guys themselves, but more than girls, I think otakus should understand this even more :

"All guys are tsunderes."

Why? Because they like to look cool, they like to act cool, they feel that showing their true feelings will just hinder them and make them look less cool, and therefore stays with it and hides their feelings for another person, thus making them tsunderes.

And even worse, to hide their feelings, they often say the opposite of what they mean, like "move over a bit, I don't want people to think that we are friends" or things like that, isn't that just so damn tsun? It's almost laughable.

By the way, that phrase is taken from Initial D, between Nakazato and Shuuji, and it happens several times during the show. While Kyosuke x Ryousuke is the hottest pairing in the great yaoi community, I find them a really adorable couple.

Did I just say adorable? Oh no my yaoi senses are tingling, this is BAD.

Time to wash my head. Continue later on or something.

Maneuver (移)

2010-01-02T00:22:00.002+08:00

It's not a case of come and go, it's not a case of fleeting feelings, it's something that I have felt for a while and have continued to feel for the past few months. I guess it's called a crush, but to come clean with it, I don't even dare to talk to you now.

No matter, nobody reads this place anyway. The same way nobody will remember me after my life is over, life's like that, you may create legends, you may have plenty of friends, but there won't be anyone left to remember you after you cease to exist.

I always thought of what my greatest, most outstanding quality is. I looked and searched, and realize that there is nothing within me that deserve praise. I look normal, I have a normal height, a normal face, a normal temperament.

I'm totally normal in terms of everything, I align myself neutrally, and viola. I am easily forgettable by people. But the question is, how do I know that I am special? Or my greatest characteristic amongst people?

It's simple, really, go watch some animes and you will probably understand what is called a great characteristic. Because only in animes and games do they portray the most extreme qualities of a human. Because they aren't real, that's why it's possible.

Not just animes and games, just fictional characters in overall, Uncle Scrooge's most distinguishing personality is being thrifty with his money, that's his personal trait, something everyone can poke fun of, something he can be proud about.

That is a distinguishing personality, but how about a distinguishing look? Something that is more feminine by nature, their looks are important because it shows who they really are, doesn't it? Look at Pani Poni Dash.

Everyone have distinctive features about themselves that make them attractive, that makes people like them, not just personality-wise, but also looks-wise. The main example in this anime would be both Miyako, Himeko and Rei.

If I could say anything, I would say that there are 3 distinct ways to show a personality, first is the polar opposite, second is the neutrally right, and third is the Totally alike kind of personality that fits their character.

Miyako's main distinctive personality is that she has a large forehead, and wears spectacles, and therefore everyone perceives her as a book-smart character, but actually she is not smart. She just studies a lot, but still flunks her exams and never came out top.

This is neutrally right, because its true that she studies a lot and therefore attain the glasses look, but she isn't exactly smart. She struggles to find her place in the top 50 students through studying hard, and enjoys studying hard and uses it as a goal in life.

Human-wise, I think it's pretty impossible to have someone who studies hard and even studies during their dreams. Studying is just a means of getting a better life, everyone wants to enjoy their life inside, no matter what they say.

Somewhere, deep, deep inside their heart, would be this small lingering feeling that exists just to play, and the main trial in life is to see how much of this feeling can you suppress, or will you allow it to grow and end up having a less than bright future.

The second example is Rei, she is tall, she is gorgeous, she has a nice body, wears geeky spectacles and have nice flowy long hair. She is the polar opposite kind of character. There is so many contradictory points about her.

First, she has no interest in love, even though I suppose there are many who likes her. She does not want to rely on anyone but herself, as can be seen from her being busy in her part time job even though she's still in High School.

She has no interest in hobbies, and the only thing that she will commit herself to doing is to cook. Because it is needed in her career. She is very materialistic and realistic, a typical woman who will be the head of a company one day with a million dollars in her pocket.

Her spectacles make her look like a shy person, but it brought out the opposite effect of being shy. She's scheming, she's naughty, and she's always filled with pranks. Instead of giving her the shy look, she becomes a monster and is always out to trick the ones close to her.

She totally does not fit her character design. But having these traits make her an interesting character, there is so much contradiction between her and her real self, yet it somehow all fits into this nice body named Tachibana Rei.

The last one is Himeko. Despite her name, she is an idiot and has absolutely no etiquette at all. She doesn't do anything much other than slack around, dream about crabs and other tasty food, and sleeps every class.

She looks just like her character though, complete with a stupid strand of hair named "ahoge", she looks carefree, she looks decisive because she doesn't think about what she's going to do, she looks absolutely hilarious.

So, off I go again, in the search for the personal trait that I can call my own. Mahohohooooooo Maho Maho Mahooooooo

Belay (推)

2009-12-30T00:22:00.002+08:00

I think I know why I'm not posting as much stuff in this place lately. No it's not because of the overload o schoolwork, and no, it's not because I got lazy. It's because there was nothing new to type in about. I guess that applies to everything in life.

Life gets boring, like duh. You see little kids complaining about boredom everywhere, and I really do mean everywhere. School, online, outside. They are always seeking new things to try out, and new things to write about.

Fresh new ideas and fresh new experiences are always good for the mind. Too much dull and boring monotonous routine is bad for health. Who decided that anyway? I always found joy in doing things I'm good at, and doing things that I have confidence in.

But that's just a superstition. Sometimes it really is good to go out of your way and try out something new. Like in a game, where you try out a new route, it may be more dangerous and riddled with higher level monsters, but it's fun to try and challenge it.

At most you die, and at most you end up wounding yourself so bad you have a game over screen when the game doesn't even have one, like Pokemon. That's the worst that may happen to you right? You end up exceeding the system.

But life is not so easily exceeded, there are infinite possibilities in this world, that's the hard part of being a game programmer. For every single possible situation in life, you must always have planned ahead and create that route. If not, life will not continue.

I guess God planned us to be like that as well. He planned every route that we can take, and planned every possible choice we can make. Then he lets us decide on the course and the choice that we like the best.

But that's just imperfection, sometimes choices don't appear until halfway through. Sometimes choices just does not seem that obvious to you. Sometimes choices may hide itself, and you may not even know it's there.

That's why I was delaying every single post I want to make. I didn't want to make the choice I made known to everyone. I tend to be frank when I'm in here, be it literally or figuratively, and usually frank things disgust, or sometimes, hurt others.

What if I tell everyone here right now that I have someone I like in my head all these while? People might come up to me and say "No, she's not worth it, choose another", some people may poke fun of me for falling in love.

But it's all part and parcel of life, isn't it? Having debate questions raised in your head, asking things so frequently it gives you headaches. Making choices is such a bother. Whether you eat or you don't, whether you go out or you don't.

It may really be better to just follow your heart, take one look at the situation, feel what is right, and act upon it, weigh the goods and the bads, and what might happen and what might not. Contemplate and decide.

Or just look at it and say hey, that's something I like, I'll go for it.

Like this upcoming Japan trip with Keith, he asked if I wanted to go with his friends, one look and you guys would know that I'm totally for it. But think of it in other terms, what else might happen if I go to Japan?

What if it clashes with GDC? What if my parents don't have enough money to let me go? What if my Major Project got called in a little early? What if we have to go for Imagine Cup? What if we need to stay up for a few nights to finish our work?

What if there's holiday assignments? What if there are other learning courses available that might appear and save me from this turmoil of a decent, normal life? What if I suddenly got sent for an attachment to Square-Enix early?

What if Kojima came up with a new game and I'm called to test it? What if Kojima decided to open a studio in Singapore and I'm in the top list to be an intern there? What then? Would I miss the chance just to go with Keith to Japan?

Sure friends are important, but please always remember that your friends will not feed you for life. If there is a great business opportunity that is to behold, and that there is only one chance to hold it and you're asked to, would you grab it? Or would you give it up for friendship?

Of course you might think yeah sure grab it first, friends come later. Then I ask you again, all the what-ifs in life. What if it's Keith's last week to live on Earth? What if he's actually chosen to go to the moon and live there forever?

What if I can meet some Square-Enix executive in Japan while visiting? What if I actually meet Kojima himself and get a job by chance while in Japan? What if the inn we stay in is the resort hotel for Capcom's employees? What then?

The chances are low, but the chances are there, there is nothing as impossible in this world, it's just how low your chances are. Some may be close to 0%, some close to 100. Some may just happen when you least expect it, though chances may not be high.

Ricky casting magic missiles out of randomness? Chances of that happening? Close to 0%, but maybe in the unpredictable future, we may have invented things to protect ourselves that includes laser arms and missile launchers on our backs.

Ricky getting scolded when he comes late for class? Chances are probably 100%. Unless Douglas Finnigan is in a good mood, or perhaps he have seen some of my previous work and is thinking along the lines of "Hey, this guy may be good in the future!".

And so it starts, my really, really long journey in life, with life full of uncertainty, and me delaying everything that I will ever do for the next 3 months or so. For the good reason that "The best have yet to come, let me procrastinate."

End (来)

2009-12-27T18:13:00.002+08:00

The end of year, no, not the event, as in the whole idea of the year ending as the stupid Earth makes his final revolution that completes a circle around the Sun. Marks for a lot of things for me, things I've done, things I haven't and things to come. Marks their remembrance, at least.

Is that how remembrance is spelt? I always thought it was rememberance but the squiggly red line comes out and says that I spelt it wrongly. Speaking of spelt, it's also wrong, spelled is correct though, maybe my laptop's in American English, who knows.

First things first, life sucks. Why? Let me recount the incidents of the desktop shit. First my Graphic card crashes and forces me to take everything apart, the SATA cable gets stuck because it's too damn tight and the shoe doesn't jump down easily.

I pulled it out and out comes the SATA socket, and now I have a motherboard with a missing component and cannot run, I asked around for a spare motherboard to test and out comes CM's Asus Motherboard, that he "zheng" and "zheng" until cannot "zheng" anymore.

I pieced it up, and no sound comes on, that's fine, maybe it doesn't have a speaker, but what else went wrong? I don't know, it shut itself off after a while, so maybe it's the power supply. But what if it isn't? Do I put my PSU somewhere in a corner eating dust because I bought a new one?

Hell no, say no to sucky spare parts that take up space. I borrowed it again from CM, then I pieced it up again, oh goody, it works. With Dr Foo's motherboard because I returned the ASUS one back to CM, thinking it's spoilt. But no, Dr Foo's motherboard only has 1 IDE slot, I need 2.

Okay great, so I returned the Blood Iron (Dr Foo's Motherboard) and went to use CM's motherboard again. This time, everything ran fine, DJ Toh's graphic card also worked, well, I thought it worked, the squiggly lines may be the processor messing up, right?

I run HoN to try and overclock it, I get dead pixels again and the whole thing crashed down. It was beyond despair, it's the first problem all over again. I plugged it out and put in my old 7300SLi, which still sucks.

Oh goody, it runs, but now my Network card is fried, for some reason, it was fine the last reboot, so what could have happened? I tried everything I could, up to reformatting my whole C drive, nothing works, it's still limited connectivity because it can't communicate to the router.

Maybe it's the driver being out of date, but there are so many models of network cards, and even more drivers to go around installing them. Which oh which can it be? It's not possible to install all of it, it may crash my computer.

I tried to fix it last night, including the formatting part, and right after EoY cosplay event. In which I went alone due to the lack of free time of some certain people. Met some guys, talked around, fooled around, and played taiko, what fun.

Speaking of which I realize Yuki always disappears faster than lightning every taiko session, no, not Final Fantasy 13's Lightning. That lightning is hot, Yuki isn't. Speaking of which I saw a Lightning in the event, was really good.

Now all I need is some beer and early sleep. Thanks to TP's website locking me out I have absolutely no idea what time school starts tomorrow, thanks a lot cyber center. I'll just go at 9 everyday and hope I'm not late for anything.

Humanity (恋)

2009-12-24T06:41:00.003+08:00

Yes, I have transcended humanity. For more than a week now I suppose, I have been lying to myself that I am all right, that I am not upset, that I am good, that I am strong-willed, that I will continue living as who I really am.

I actually did. Or maybe this is why I don't talk to people much, but engage in a solitary conversation with my soft toy more often than not. Or maybe it's the morning practice where I look at myself in the mirror and start scolding myself for my flaws.

But all in all, I have already transcended humanity. Something that will be downright disastrous, I have gotten over it in a week. With the help of some friends, some activities that does not include intercourse, and Sailor Moon and the 7 Ballz.

Okay, maybe not the last one. I was just surfing the net for bad anime reviews, because hey, bad shit is always more fun to read about than the good ones. And then I came across this one utterly amazing piece of hentai.

Not because of its arousal, but because of its name: Sailor Moon and the 7 Ballz. Who would have thought of that? Seriously? I mean come on, this kind of name? I fell down laughing once I read it. And yes, the Z is there as part of the title.

It's literally ingenious, having 2 of the world's most generic and successful franchise meeting face to face and possibly having sex I don't know, reason I don't know is because I haven't watched it yet, but I won't watch it to fap I suppose. I'll watch it to laugh.

What else can be worse!? I thought to myself, this cheapskate lame-ass name, and especially with the kind of stupid ideology of the Japanese, it's probably a one of a kind universe shall roll over and die kind of movie to watch.

Japanese movies are so bad sometimes that it's good. They make the craziest ideas come true. Be it artistically, or just for mainstream media. That's probably the reason I like Japan so much, because of it's openness towards strange media compared to a certain free country.

Yes it's not weird to like weird things. In fact, I find it more interesting to like weird things. It's like having a rare breed of dog, you like it, but people may go like "Whoah are you gonna feed generic food to that thing? It may die or something I don't know."

But yeah, It's not weird to like weird or rare things. I mean, I think normal people all deserve to die. Seriously. You like football in a country where football is popular, you like tanned guys, you like athletic girls, you like sports, you like techno, you like beautiful, museum masterpieces.

Uh no, sorry, not interesting to me? Look at the things I like, it's usually liked by a small group of people, those that don't go mainstream. Comparing to normal generic humans, liking Final Fantasy is like contracting rabies, you just don't want to get close to them.

But for the case of me, liking Final Fantasy is common, generic, something that most people will do. I do as well. But of course all things come with its flaws and imperfections. That's where the main debate of what a really good game comes in, doesn't it?

You like Touhou, yeah, so do I. I like it's wide range of characters and all their unique personalities, I like how all of them are girls, I like the fact that a lot of people are making good fanfiction and fanart about it.

But no, I don't like it because there is already too many people liking it. When you have a group of people liking the same thing. It's not always good to talk about it all the time. Divert your attention somewhere else people!

I like feeling that I am special. That I have something in common but other things not. That's why I don't like to talk about things that I already know about. Yes Blacksmith/Whitesmith is awesome imba. But tell me something I don't know.

Like maybe there's a hidden skill amongst all the skill trees we know. Like the Ragnarok skill in the Clown/Gypsy skill tree and how nobody is able to use it yet because it is an active skill with a passive icon, now that's what I consider interesting.

Oh yes, Basketball is fun, rearing fishes is fun, setting up computers is fun, playing HoN is fun with friends, you got trashed, you got owned, Plague Tempest and Soulstealer make the best combo on earth ever. Whatever.

Tell me something new, like you played a carry Plague. That's new, that's interesting, to me at least. Buying shieldbreaker for Tempest. Buying Wingbow for Pollywog Priest, buying Kuldra's Sheepstick for Scout. That's new, thats fresh, that might just work.

So to surpass humanity, I must find the lone hobby. Something that no one have ever tried before. Something that nobody will be able to see and say: "Hey I did that before as well, it was pretty fun/ it was pretty cool."

Then I have something interesting to talk about when the topic comes up. That's just the way I am. Always looking for new things to claim my own, instead of sticking to the same old routine of genericness. But then again, I am generic. I am Ricky, that's generic by itself.

Therefore I thrive in this generic world, where humanity cannot be surpassed. Why can't humanity be surpassed? For the simple reason that nobody will be there for you when you have reached the top.

Now imagine a person that is so unique that he does what nobody in this world have tried or done before. He wears a green underwear outside of his clothes when his top and bottom are swapped and he has contacts so thick it protrudes out of his eyes.

He rides the bicycle backwards and with one wheel everywhere and he carries a bag without a sling whatsoever. So he holds it with his two hands in front of him as he cycles backwards. He rearranged his laptop keys in alphabetical order to make it easier for him to read.

Even though this is a list of the crazy things a human can do to attract attention, I think it's pretty impossible to find someone who does it altogether and have someone talk to him or her casually.

For one, you'd be freaked out beyond belief. This guy transcended humanity, and instead of being popular, everyone is freaked out by how he or she looks, he or she behaves, he or she talks, he or she portrays himself or herself.

So why bother transcending so much of humanity? There is no reason. I swear. It's just to feel unique, that you're part of the few, that you're not generic, that you cannot be someone else and easily replaceable. That is what's transcending humanity about.

So, do you want to revert your level back to 1 and become a High Novice?

Filth (嫌)

2009-12-16T03:39:00.002+08:00

I have nothing to say. Aside from the fact that I might be the most retarded person in this universe. How could I have missed it? The answer was there, right there, in the blink of an eye, if I thought to myself more carefully and stop being so optimistic, it would show! Surely.

It's not like it's never been the case, it's just that you refused to look at it that way! And it's not like I've always been denied that answer, it just simply isn't there when you looked for it! The only reason that things happen is because of your ignorance!

But once again, ignorance is bliss. Just that it lasted too long for it to become bliss. Lost hours and times won't come back. Didn't say that I didn't enjoy it at all. Sure I enjoy talking to people online, letting things out, but I keep getting the feeling that the conversation is always one way.

Now I know the true reason why. I'm just stating it so that I can reassure myself that I did not do anything wrong all these while. Let me be a little selfish here. I am not god, I am not some super human being, I am just me.

I am Ricky Fajar Adiputra, 19 this year going on 20 the next. Single, looking, and not successful. My life have always revolved around games, and will continue to be entwined with this addiction. Be it creating or playing it.

I have friends, who doesn't? Some listen, some talk. Some impact, some absorb. Through my course of life I have come to realize that the best friends are the ones that do not know you the best. Because that is the role of your other partner.

I like going out, to breath fresh air, to look at sights, to meet new people. I like routine, to do things I do best, to be the best I can at every single moment. I like to play, I like to work, I like to study, I like to sleep. I love my life.

When push comes to shove, all I need is a little lift back to get me back to where I belong, to where I stood before, to where I needed to be the most. I need guidance, I need to start listening, I need change, I need food.

I need a life.

God help me.

Holy (偽)

2009-11-30T02:04:00.003+08:00

I don't mean to freak out all of a sudden like this, but I think I am really sure of it this time. This is not the first time this has happened, in fact, it happened over the span of three weeks. But I am really, definitely sure, that I cannot let this go by unnoticed anymore, at least to myself.

Knowing that I'm the kind of person that will only talk to himself in this little desolate space called my blog here, and I'm still pretty sure nobody reads it anyway, I am going to voice it out, and I am going to voice out everything I know.

First of all, I'm lonely. Yes I am. Woohoo, Ricky finally getting human emotions. It's hard not to get lonely when all you have is all these machinery around you that keeps you half the company. Because they can't really interact back with you.

It's hard not to get lonely when you realized that your computer doesn't exist anymore. Well, used to not exist for a few days back there before I got the laptop. Thank God I ordered it fast. If not I won't know how crazy I would end up.

It's hard not to get lonely when you moved into a small little room, making it almost impossible for anyone else to visit. This, is one of the main reasons actually. I always liked company in my room, it felt like there is human presence in them, but not anymore.

It's hard not to get lonely when its so damn noisy outside. Why not join them? Well duh because I'm just a tiny little tenant living off a rent room. Major duh right? I mean, why join them when you've just outcasted yourself? Hahah.

And it's definitely going to get lonely when you watch lonely people having fun online. Well, I think I just found the right self own series for myself. The Guild. Sure it's a lot of funny. But when you realize that they are having fun and you're not. You feel left out.

Secondly, I am pretty damn sure that I want a girlfriend. Why so? Maybe it's due to the effect where Wei Leong comes back from all our term holidays with a girlfriend that impacted the class quite a bit. Everyone felt the need to have one now.

Call it man-ego, but I believe it's the case here. The worst part is I have been chasing after the same girl for months, and to no avail because apparently she doesn't want a boyfriend yet, so what can I do but to wait for it?

Sometimes I get the thinking that she is into my friends more than me. Even if that is true, I don't think I would mind. Hey, they say liking someone is watching them be happy right? So what more can I give to a person that I like her happiness?

Thirdly, I am not kissing Totoro in the desperate hopes that it will suddenly turn into a girl. Not happening. Not ever, Even if it did turn into a girl, it would be all furry and with a round puffy tail and moderately fat with some boobs.

...That might actually be hot, aside from the fat part.

Emperor (蠢)

2009-11-06T01:32:00.002+08:00

So many things went by without me feeling the need to update the blog. Well, actually I did feel like updating the blog after I watched Permanent Fish's concert that I watched with Jonny and the rest of the semi-otaku bunch.

The only regret that I got was maybe the regret of not being able to take a picture with them using Bobo's SLR, it would had been a great memory, and a great 30 bucks well spent, but I was content. Their songs were great, considering its acapella.

If there is one thing I regret ever doing, it was actually to spend brainless money on brainless things. This was actually a spending that I thought would prove brainless. It was all for the experience, there was nothing left behind, just the fond memories.

There is going to be another brainless spending again soon. Which includes the EVA2.0 screening which I and Jon and CM have been waiting for for about 2 months now. They kept pushing it back, but with a good reason this time.

They wanted to show the movie not as a picture house movie, which means desolate, a little far, kind. It's going to go mainstream. I bet the reviews are going to be low as heck. It's not exactly a very big and well known title in the normal world.

But it is revered as a legendary show in the otaku world. Which brings me to say this once again: What the fuck is so wrong with the people in this world? What is so unacceptable about the otaku culture anyway?

Sure, the popular guys and girls are amazing with their speeches. They can make friends after exchanging about two lines of question and answer with each other. But don't you think it's silly? To make friends so easily without knowing what their interests are first?

How would you know that this friend won't get you into trouble? How would you keep up with this friend if they don't have any similarities in terms of hobby or pastimes? What are the topics that are so broadly interesting that can keep your friendship going?

Don't normal humans ever think about things like these before making friends? Unless it's bound by a special condition, that I can understand, like working under the same company, or being in the same form class.

These are understandable things that can lead to friendship. But think about things like "Oh we eat in the same cafetaria, and you look lonely, so I came here to chat you up" kind of things are just stupid isn't it?

Then it hit upon me, the reason why ordinary humans are considered as ordinary, and what are casted outside that, are either the people who seriously can't get along with anyone else, or otakus. Or people who belong to both categories.

I've seen examples, and especially in my Japanese class, about the normal people who aren't otakus but can't seem to get along with each other. These people, I usually try to talk to them when I have to, I mean, I'm just friendly, not trying to expand my territory or something.

Then it hit me. The dreaded feeling that I get when I talk to people like them. I felt like I had nothing in common, and therefore don't talk up to them. Especially when they don't look exactly like a normal person. Some look okay, but most are hideous.

This feeling of, "Hey, I'm way above this person in terms of abilities and looks, so why should I even talk to them when they don't give me the respect I was entitled to?" applies for both sides. They don't want to talk to me, I don't want to either.

They are in their own clouds, they feel that they are isolated and have a limited amount of friends not because they are way superior in terms of abilities and physical capabilities. It hit me that we are actually different sides of the same coin.

I shall try to fix this arrogant attitude from now on, everyone will deserve a chance to interact. But interactivity is a two-sided thing. If I don't start, and you don't continue, then there is really no point in making friends, is there?

And stop it with your sexual discrimination. I know I'm a guy, but all you outcast girls of Jap class don't need to start alienating the only 3 guys in the class, right? Sure you have your own cliques here and there, and I may sound loud and conceited most of the time.

In fact, I am, and I'm proud that I am loud and conceited. It's who I am, it's what makes Ricky such a Ricky. If I don't keep this up, maybe this facade of being a friendship kleptomaniac get washed away, then, what am I left with at that time?

What will be left of this average looking, game-loving, anime-watching, manga-reading, loud, obnoxious, lazy, semi-outgoing kid?

Kids (供)

2009-10-07T10:07:00.002+08:00

Kids these days, they make me laugh too much. Looking back at the random pubs that I've been playing with, there are so many retarded and kids with, in my suspicion, in deep need of medical brain treatment.

Let's look back at the little cases that I've seen:

Case #1, Retarded Zephyr.

First of all, while picking heroes, I already declared that I will top because I'm gonna forest. I wasn't very good with tempest yet aside from key meteor void, which is a really deadly yet basic combo. So I must forest instead of laning.

The Zephyr started flaming me for wanting to forest, because apparently "she" wants to forest with Zephyr and will do a lot a lot a lot of damage at late game, amazing isn't it? So yeah we got into a scuffle, and obviously I died plenty.

Not very used to playing the game, hell, it was only my 9th game I think? And JD was laughing his ass off most of the time. Ken was, well, quiet, as per usual, and sniping me with weird remarks here and there, I know he does.

Then I got 20 assists, and 4 kills 4 deaths, and she continued to say that I'm horrible and should jump off a building for playing so horribly, I really can't stand it but to laugh at the feeble attempts she is making to break my heart.

I just played on, what else can I do? Heh, I mean, literally, I just played on, of course we won that game. I can't stand kids, neither can I stand retards, and this is the ultimate proof of a retarded kid with the command of English, even mis-spelling cute into cut.

Case #2, Retarded Night Hound

I can't really remember about the others aside from Wei Leong playing a fool and making us lose almost all engages with his epic alt-tabbing skills. So I'll say about someone who is obviously goofing off this morning.

Right after I asked Jonny to sleep, I encountered this dashing young pro, saying that he's using his friend's account, and his real account is 1900+, I was immediately impressed, usually people with 1900+ don't even bother to play noob games, unless your name is kenkenken`.

Then I said I'm gonna forest with Tempest, as per usual, and he immediately started scolding me. "Tempest are you going to continue being a bitch or are you gonna come help me kill something!?"

I immediately snapped back at him, because it's just common for Tempest to forest, as I said before, it's actually a very good tactic, because the lane hero gets solo exp, and so does Tempest himself, in fact, Tempest in forest can level faster than in a solo lane.

Then he continued scolding me about me being a bitch and unsupportive. By this time, two of our team members disconnected already, and leaving us to 3v5. I asked if we can concede once time is up, and the host agreed, it's not fun to play a 3v5 game anyway.

But before I dced and we all left the game, I had a chance to scold Night Hound once more, He stood around doing nothing during our engage, which proves how much of a stupid bitch he is, and I just sniped.

"Gosh Night Hound you're useless."

He shut his mike for the rest of the game. I guess that was about the only phrase that really got into him, that he is really a nooblet, and I was the obvious better player. I'm not trying to be proud, I don't usually say I'm a good player.

Just that if a Tempest can farm faster than a Night Hound, there is obviously something wrong. His creep stats was close to 0 during laning, and he is a serious, serious noob. 1900+ player my ass, he probably never played a serious match before.

Case #3: Retarded Madman

Thank god he is on the other team, seriously speaking, thank god I ended up with the bunch that is able to play. We couldn't catch him, well duh, he has Stalk, rendering him invisible for 7 seconds and moving at 522 speed, think Neurebian Weaver's Shukuchi.

"Can't catch me" he said, challenging us. The next time he came out he met with a Meteor Elemental Void combo. Too bad I died, stupid scout and Hammerstorm. So painful when combo together.

I thought he shut up finally, after playing like a total retard the whole game, including dying to my elements and making me have a double kill at 5 minutes and with me walking away farming, he came with the best retort he can find at end game.

"Stupid noobs cant even kill me."

I immediately laughed like a madman, really, no, literally, like a madman. I just laughed and laughed and laughed all I can, so I sniped back at him after I'm done laughing. "Err, says your 8 deaths huh".

I guess that really shut him up. He didn't quit yet though, I quitted the game before he did, for the sole reason they conceded. I don't think I'm a good player, seriously, but all these pubs I've been playing with, especially on my team, leads me to believe otherwise.

I am one damned good Tempest player.

"I've got enough respite to keep on trying." -Starsailor

Fooly (蠢)

2009-09-28T22:35:00.002+08:00

I guess I have been watching too much epic stories these days, and if it weren't for GAINAX, I probably would still think them normal shows are epic shows, and anything else more epic is just unthinkable, thank you GAINAX.

Amongst the newest few animes I watched, I would like to highlight from the ones I like the least, yet is somewhat the most popular and heard-of in the world of anime otakus of today. Not mentioning the less well known kind like the ones I really like, is just a sin.

I start of with Hanaukyo Maid Tai, not exactly very popular, and it's very understandable why. A blatant, relentless needle injection story where it forces you to literally sleep at every possible interval, mediocre drawing, and fan service to boot.

No substance, is what I would say, but I was going to reserve that for K-ON! Which is the second in my list. If Hanaukyo gets 4, K-ON! gets a very strict 5. Yes it has its points for its moe blobbiness and its very cute drawing, but once again, i repeat.

NO SUBSTANCE. Yes sure they tried a more direct appeal to the masses, by putting together moe and music, something that can't go wrong. Of course it didn't go wrong, there are believers all over the world, but that's what pisses me off.

For something this pointless and only fan-servicey, they get people worshipping to it like gods? What happened to worshipping good stuff like Evangelion? Where did the sane otakus go? No wonder the site of mecha has been facing problems with budget.

Not because they are not funded enough, but because it won't sell as well as blatant fan service given at every episode of cute little girls running around the place trying to look cute and succeeding in doing so.

Once again, I ask, what point does this anime have again? To teach children that playing in a band rocks? I think the Westerners have that idea in their mind well enough. To make people happy by showing cute girls? Yes.

I think that's about the only reason the world can ever give to such an anime. Just because it's cute, everyone should worship it. Look at what happened to Haruhi, now tell me, did any of the shows you TRULY liked get as popular as her?

Then take a look at the truly good shows that I recently watched. Namely GunBuster and FLCL. Call me a GAINAX freak, but I truly believed that this is the true meaning of watching an anime. Where unreal things become so real you believe in it.

Let's compare FLCL and K-ON! Both have absolutely no meaning in their story, both have absolutely good drawings and animation, both have legendary amounts of time spent in designing the scenes alone.

Why do I like FLCL more than K-ON! ? Because of it's depth. You don't go around saying you watched FLCL, you go around saying you UNDERSTOOD FLCL, why? Because there is so much to be uncovered other than the face value.

For those that only like watching shows for it's face value, yes, you can enjoy this show as well, because it is enjoyable enough as it is at face value. Just watching the show, because its a show. If that is enough to make you happy, so be it, no one's stopping you.

But you're probably the kind that calls K-ON a legendary anime. Because you only take things as what they are, and what they should be. Look at how FLCL is drawn, look at how it's designed, and how many things zip by the screen at any one time.

The camera angles, the voices, the sound effects. Don't they somehow remind you that it's not meant to be taken at face value? Haruka's really dull voice, Mamimi's really bored voice, the only one that's normal is probably Naota himself.

How about the guitar? The iron? The hands that come out of Naota's forehead? Did anyone notice that aside from Canti-sama, every other mecha looks or somewhat resembles a hand? Why are they fighting in the first place if Canti is just like them?

I came up with a few conclusions, and aside from the fact that I'm totally burnt out watching Umineko all the time, I guess I still use some brain power to deduce what truly goes on, behind the scenes of FLCL.

First of all, the show is about emotions, whenever a certain emotion of a human being goes overboard, a trigger will go off in their heads, in other words, too much of the same emotion can never lead to good things.

Second of all, the hands that can destroy the world by ironing it flat. What is the link in that? It just goes to show that the human mind is enough to destroy worlds, aka. the human mind is, actually, a powerful thing.

Third, Canti? Canti represents the sane mental state that Naota has, and is there to fight back against the part of his human brain that has overloaded and is bent on flattening the world. Also, Canti is the true feelings of Naota, everything he wants to be, actually.

Fourth, The Iron, The Iron represents the evils of the world, there is always evil in every world, it is just up to the people's minds whether they want to use that evil to destroy the peaceful world that they are living in or not.

Fifth, Mamimi, Mamimi acts like the more human side of Naota. Serves as a mirror to him, something that he should not be. I can imagine Naota being tortured by himself in the mind so much that he acts like Mamimi, self-depreciating, self-agonizing, pathetic.

Mamimi also shows another side to a human life. The kind that longs for things that are gone. Also, even though she have been playing with Naota enough to make Naota fall in love with her, all she ever thinks about is Naota's brother, who is gone.

Even though she has something, she always pursues for those that she doesn't have, this thirst for things that one doesn't have, is very commonplace in a human being. Never treasuring those around them, but long for something that's gone, or that can't be obtained.

Sixth, Haruko. Haruko acts as everything that is out of the ordinary in life. She acts as the clear thin difference between what's normal and what's not. And it's clear that Naota's affection to her is simply due to the term "curiosity". And thus the cat she represents.

Because Naota does not like to be confined within the boundary of "normal", and he hates ordinary things that happen around him, actually, therefore he unconsciously falls in love with Haruko, not because she's pretty, but because of her unique-ness.

I think it's more common in an Otaku to like a girl who is not common, because common girls are just boring and plain. They like common stuff like flowers and chocolate, they like sweets and movies, they hate bugs and homework. That's what I would consider normal.

Those girls that break the trend. Are those that likes Kamen Rider, collects bugs with boys, dreams of adventures instead of romance, listens to Rock instead of Techno-pop. That's the kind of girl Haruko is. Worst of all, she's older.

What can get better than Haruko? Seriously? She is every girl's bane, due to her uniqueness and showyness, every other girl in this world looks plain compared to her. That may or may not be a good thing for guys, but all I know is that uncommon girls rock.

With a guitar that can act as a saw.

Recap (理)

2009-09-26T13:49:00.004+08:00

I guess there comes a period of time in everyone's life, where you are so busy and preoccupied doing absolutely nothing of interest or nothing that is even productive. So preoccupied doing things that is asked of you to do.

Let's recap a little from what happened the last time I posted, which is exactly one month ago. I was still a little worried about DSAG exam, it came and went by quite nicely, with me totally forgetting what are the Big-O notations, which carried 4 marks, luckily.

The results came during the day when I worked for Creatif Venture. I didn't get access until I reached home though, the school bandwidth was probably used up by all the retarded peoples of the school anyway, them showoffs.

I got pretty good results, had an upturn from the previous semester where I was pretty much too distracted to study properly. Can't say I did my best though, even though my GADS got a Z. Meh, that's 18 hours of work without sleep for you.

Okay, pretty good results is a lie, it was very good, way above what I expected. I mean, come on, 1 Z, 2 A, 2 B+, 1B? I think that's impressive for playing games every other night and losing my Hard Disk to retarded IMI students which led me to redoing my GRDV.

Surprisingly, my 4 days worth of GRDV got me an A. I can't say I deserve it though, I think Samy's one was much better, he got a Z though. I was pretty motivated to continue working on my game to make it better, but I guess I lost all drive after passing it up.

That was the start of my holidays, started with a bang where my Mum came and totally rolled my life over once again, scolding me for things that I didn't really do, or didn't really MEAN to do. Then going off after she moved me into the new room.

Aunty Crystal's sister, Aunty Coco, is going to move in SOMETIME, with her 13 year old noisy as fuck daughter. So I need to move into a smaller room, I don't really mind, but with the amount of things I have, it's pretty harsh.

The room is small, a little cramped, and destroys all hope of anyone else coming to stay over. I managed to fit all my stuff into this little room though, but the gap underneath my bed is gone, filled with stuff.

After moving into my new room, it was a moment of peace and job-finding. At first Lau asked me to find a Job Agent, for temporary full time workers. I tried finding the agent but apparently they moved their office, didn't bother anymore.

Then I tried finding a job in Iluma, applied and asked at four places, and they all said that they do not take student pass holders (aka. foreign students, not PR). Worst of all, everytime I ask for something, Boris comes over and thinks I'm talking to an old friend and starts getting chummy.

The only job I can find is probably the day jobs Aunty Crystal gives me now and then. which earn me a meager sum here and there. Aside from me, Jonny got hired as a cashier in Mushroom.

So yeah, I guess it's another day of Job Hunting again for me, or dedicating the day to yet another day to improving my Tempest farming skills.

Revision (自)

2009-08-23T02:57:00.000+08:00

Hmm, not a revision for my upcoming DSAG exam which I am totally almost freaking out about because I don't know what Big O notations are, but a little look at my past, nah, not going crazy or emo due to stress, in fact, ever since GRDV, I haven't felt any.

I found an old foolscap pad of mine, still intact with notes that I took down during my JC1 and Sec4 days. I was reminded of how much of a lazy bum I was, no wonder nobody liked me. I mean, doodling during note-taking? I don't even think of doing that now.

But I guess it's due to the lack of interest in the subjects, I was never a humanities person, why I even chose Arts instead of Science is still a wonder to me. Looking back at things that I used to do, I can't help but to wonder: "How different can my life be?".

Okay, imagine I got into a Science stream during JC1, with classmates with the same interest, willing to help each other in studies, not that I'm condemning 1A09, I was just too lazy and uncaring about my studies to ask you guys to study with me.

I get into a science stream, started learning about programming, get some better grades than my SUCESS, and get into a University by now. Probably learning more about computer science rather than about Software Development.

What will my likes and dislikes be? Would I have liked Touhou as much as I do now? Will I ever be able to embrace the truth of the Evangelion as well as I did now? Will everything else seem slow paced and tardy ever since watching Baccano?

Will I ever have the thought of countless parallel Earths like Bokurano? Will I ever have such a vivid and crazy imagination and fetishes about mechas with teeth that bite each other, bleeds, or angels that plays holy hymns and relives all your bad memories, all at the same time?

What kind of person will I be if I were to take a different path before? Would I have worked harder than what I'm doing right now? I can't really say that I'm working totally hard like I used to in 1st Semester, but I'm doing what I can, am I not?

But what if I were to be able to continue working at Semester 1's pace? In a University? Would I have been a successful IT person? How about my hobbies, would it be to roam the IT Fair with a trusty pencilboard and making notes of price changes?

How would I react if I ever saw the people whom I know today? Imagine if I were to find Zuyi and Bobo and Wei Leong working at the Lenovo booth, would I look at them with the same hatred I show to the general population of teenagers?

Would I have gotten along with them? A University student in the IT industry, and 3 students from Temasek Polytechnic's Games and Entertainment Technologies course? How about the people who don't work in the IT Fair? Like Lau?

Or Jonny? Or Chong Meng? Or Renqi? Or Arthur? Or Ma Hui? Or Terence? Or Colin? Or Sky? Or Maya? Or Boss? Or Jem? Or Shi Ming? Or Siew? Or Makio? Or Ros? Or Jurene? Or Samy? Or Damien? Or Yong Yi? Or Mason? Or Wee Kiat? Or Wee Yen? Or Cheng Teng? or Wai Leong?

Would I have known these people by chance and by luck? Would I have gotten into a fight with Mason or Yong Yi for being opposite ends of a pole? Would I have been a camera geek and have gotten to know Chong Meng, Cheng Teng and Boss?

Would I have went to Downtown East and found Lau Lau playing DDR? Zuyi and Renqi playing Taiko and Wei Leong playing Tatsunoko? Would Jonny ever have been influenced to becoming a pure Otaku and being proud of it? Or will he never experience the pleasure in 2D?

Will Jonny become a real Western Influenced person since he's not an Otaku? So what will he become if he never met me? Would there be a different Jonny in an alternate timeline where he is a total Assassin's Creed maniac and goes around slashing people's throats?

Will Jonny ever crave for a woman that is not 3D? I think this point is important, since I was the one who influenced him to understand the beauty in 2D art and in stupidity of humans and teenagers.

Will Wei Leong have less bruises on his chest since I'm not there to whack it every single time he cracks a really lame joke? Will Bobo end up quitting GET because I was not there to push him slightly here and there to continue his studies?

Will Maya ever stop sucking since I'm not there? Will Lau ever stop watching animes and become a total Drama crazy person since I'm not there to give him some animes for him to watch? Will Chong Meng ever have anymore animes to watch?

What kind of situation will the world be if I were to take a different path before? What kind of changes? What kind of future holds in me? What kind of surroundings will I live in, have I taken a different route than what I am taking now?

There is just too much possibilities of the future, but I sure do hope the one I'm taking right now is the best route for my future. If I were to ever change anything in my past, it would be to never get born in this stupid, tiresome, and retarded era. Throw me somewhere else please.

Like maybe the 1500s England. Hmm petticoats...

Abyss (満)

2009-08-20T02:06:00.002+08:00

The only comment that I can say to this wonderful game that had just taken 60 hours of my life, and will continue to take hours off my life due to its high replay value, is that it's ending, is, fucking, disappointing.

Why is it disappointing, one asks, the story was nice, and it ended nicely in a full circle, everything that needs to be said is said, everything that needs to be done is done, nothing's left to do, nothing's left for the imagination of fans.

Exactly my point. That is the epitome of a cliched, normal, boring and expected ending that everyone likes and loves in drama serials. Hell, even drama serials can pull off better endings than this. Sure you can end it as a happily ever after, but...

At least give the viewers some clues as to what is happening! I didn't expect time to travel so fast in the game, after the credits roll it was Luke's coming of age ceremony, which means almost one year has passed?

I can't remember for nuts as to how long has it been from the final battle to Luke's upcoming birthday you know? At least show some inkling of how much time has passed before the final scene unfolds, so yeah who cares if it's cheesy, I'm okay with it, just make it clear!

I can see the distinct difference in Guy and Natalia's clothes, and it could be that they went back, rested for a day and continued waiting for Luke at the plains where they can see Hod, and I was guessing that it should be Tataroo Valley.

All I can do is be disappointed at it. The story unfolded nicely, the plot, the little twists here and there, the humane emotional struggles, the fleeting feelings for each characters towards each other, the fighting, the last boss.

Up til the last, and final scene, I loved the game. And only the last, and final scene, did I feel disappointed, did I feel despaired. They concentrated on making the gameplay so much that they cannot do the last scene properly?

There was so much more that could have been done, there was so much more that could have been included, there was so much more that could have been said, there was so much more that could have been implemented, there was too much.

Look at the difference of the endings of the other two Tales games that I have played and completed. Destiny was really epic, with Dymlos and the other Swordians dying, to complete the life mission that was bestowed onto them.

Then it started, the final scene, Rutee visiting Stahn at his village, and thus began their life without them Swordians, that is the kind of ending, and the kind of final scene that I would like, and I would love, to see.

Take a look at Eternia's ending scene, Shizel reverting back to her motherly self, protecting Meredy when the Dark Matter blew up, and Meredy, in Shizel's last moments, felt the most maternal love that she could ever get for 12 years in her life.

A tragic story with a tragic end, and the heroes that lived through the story and survived. The Dark Matter blew, the Orbus Barrier destabilized, Planetary Travel between Inferia and Celestia impossible. Reid and Farah on one side, Keele and Meredy on the other.

Final scene of them living seperate lives, including the ones who interacted with the main characters for even the briefest period of time. What more can I say? A really classic ending with everything covered up.

The Abyss took a different direction. Believing in the holy and religious war theme, where nobody is truly evil and is just fighting for what they believe in. A foolish cause, a cause that was not easily shaken, a story behind the desire to burn everything.

I liked the idea, I liked the feel, I liked the whole plot.

Just that... The final scene...

And the fact that I missed more than half the game's attacks becaue I didn't use the right Capacity Cores...

No wonder Van is so hard.

Music (歌)

2009-08-18T00:38:00.000+08:00

I just came across a very contradictary group. It says there "I Love Music!", and several of my friends joined the group. Whether they really love music, or is just joining the group because they feel that it's the right and cool thing to do, I have absolutely no idea.

But what I do know is that Facebook is mainly Western dominated, and a lot of Westerners are doing stuff, playing games, interacting, holding events, in Facebook. Socializing is a way of doing things, but forcing ideals, and especially rejected ones, are bad.

First of all, I can't say that all humans alive in this world like Music. For one, there are different types of music that people listen to. There's the traditional classic, there's the Jazz, there's the Rock, there's the Metal, then there's the bad ones.

The ones which does not fit into the category of "Music", but due to it's "coolness", "trendyness", and due to peer pressure they have always created trash noises that they consider music. Even the random spamming of repetetive words is considered music these days.

So what will I consider music? Is it something to help you relax? Is it something to help you move to the groove? Is it something that sets the mood? Is it something that makes a person want to dance to it? Is it the lyrics? Is it the tune?

For me, Music means plenty of things. First of all, real good music should not be decided from it's lyrics. Lyrics are a plus, not a must. You cannot say that a song is superior than another because it has lyrics, but taking two similar songs, one may be better than the other because of its lyrics.

But even though lyrics should not be decided by its lyrics, repeating lyrics are banned. Truly banned. And it seem to be the trend of popular music these days, to repeat the lyrics over and over again and hoping that it would make some sense.

Even though it should not be decided on it's lyrics, what people MUST do when a piece of music has lyrics, is that their lyrics must mean something. Their lyrics must recite a story, not a story about how they had sex, or how beautiful their love is.

But their story, must be more, abstract, like a work of art. Their song must follow a certain virtue or theme, and definitely not love, because it's a theme that's too broad. They should focus more on things that actually mean something, like virtues.

Look at the songs of today, the songs that actually make it to the top charts. Do they repeat their lyrics? Do they make sense in a profound way? Do they tell a story that have a deep meaning in it? Does it make you want to move to it?

If the answers in the above questions are no, and finally yes, the song is probably trash. Made to please the audience with its, so-called, catchy tunes, and leave it there to peer pressure and media to make a profit.

Secondly, proper music must set the mood. It must have a certain theme to it. Be it calming, anxiety, exciting, whatever the theme, the mood must fit the rhythm flow. You would not want a song singing about war and killing to be sung in a happy voice, that will be freaky.

Or in fact, the themes don't really matter after all. Because in this world right now, to be popular, you have to follow the trend, and to be unique and really appreciated, you have to go against the flow. So make a happy song about killing, and a sad song about love.

Oh I'm sorry. Emo songs about love are the Chinese speciality, it's what every other song that actually gets popular is about isn't it? About how badly the both of them broke up. About how sad the parting was, about how much they sacrificed for each other.

About how much they are not meant for each other, about forbidden love, about how much they are willing to go for each other without ever having the chance to show their love. About how much the other mean to them, while crying and singing at the same time.

I don't get it. Why should a love song always be sad? Where did the "Love is the blissful feeling" go? All I see right now is sadness in people when it comes to love, when it came to love, it was never "Fly me to the moon", it was more like "Drive me into the ground with your love."

Then come the stereotypes. Yes old songs are old, they are nice that way, so don't fricking remix it. If a song is meant to be cruel like a Cruel Angel's Thesis, don't make a PARAPARA MIX to it. It trashes the song's reputation, loses its meaning and story, and becomes stupid.

Or maybe, in some cases, it becomes epic. Like a happy war song, or a sad Chinese love song. Something that the majority of the people can listen to and laugh at, something that the majority of people can actually relax, not by listening, but laughing at the song they are listening to.

Making fun, poking fun, exploiting loopholes within songs and laughing at it.

Do you still love music?

Handle (魔)

2009-08-05T01:45:00.002+08:00

IK Handles are horrible, sure I've learnt a thing or two while trying my very utmost best to control them the past few days, but sure as hell did I get some nightmares just from it. It is so damn frustrating that the stupid handles keep twisting my skeleton around and around when all I want it to do is rotate from a certain point.

Well, welcome to Maya, a program designed to help the user as little as possible, whilst leaving them in despair and anguish and Yang's Curry Powder doesn't work as well as the original Jet's Curry Powder. (which is provided in OLE, actually)

GRDV is a hell lot of madness, and I don't think I'm able to do a full game by next Tuesday, I never imagined the schedule to be so rushed and packed, especially with the missing teachers and the bad teachers replacing them. (aka GADS)

GADS, A fricking 50 page document and my team members don't look like they are even doing anything for me to write about. I'm supposed to be the final compiler and I don't even have all the stages in. Hell, I don't even have ONE.

But nevertheless, I think I'll try to finish it up right after CMSK, the world's most boring, most useless, most retarded, most workload, most fucked up, most unimportant, most "useful in my life but it's not gonna show yet" lesson ever.

Can you imagine two submissions within one week? And not a small one at that? Sure one of them is only a trial run, or a demo to what we are going to pass up one week later, but imagine the amount of work that we have to do alone, for this 2 CU subject?

The headaches that never end, where did my life turn? Where was the uncaring and working Ricky that I used to be? Not caring about anything else in this world, just doing his best every second in his life, doing HOMEWORK, that is.

Fresh with ideas, always competitive, fighting for every mark that he was supposed to get. And best of all, actually living my life the way I want to. Instead of getting tossed from one extra lesson to another session of boredom.

And playing around, slacking when there's work to do. Complaining there's too much work to be done later, looking down on other people for having faults, looking down on yourself for having too many things to do.

Not caring about parents, not caring about homework, just slacking everyday, bumming around without any real purpose in life, blogging about trivial things and feelings that he get every now and then.

I need a break, a real break, as in, isolation, from the world, and maybe start anew, I need a Selecao phone, I need to know how to brainwash myself off all the random memories that still linger around, I need something to break.

Then comes the problem about old relations with people. They bug me, a lot. Yes they seriously do. The awkward silence that others give when the both of you are around. The undenying fact that only you can talk to a certain person when that person is supposed to be everyone's friend.

Yes, I know I'm not fit to talk to anyone at all. My name is Ricky, I am demented, I am retarded, I am not even fit to live. But at least pop by once in a while to give me a status check, at least let me know you're all alive, rather than just gloating at me.

Yeah, you said I'm still a friend, and a close one at that, so what do you do? Break off all communications? Deleting me off MSN? Hiding away from the person who supposedly ruined your life? Is that it?

Yes, I do have a pang of guilt that I need to somehow atone for. But that's human, isn't it? at least I don't live my life freely and floating around like a zombie, coming as and when you like as long as you have the time.

You still owe me something, and you still have something with me, if you want to take it back, tell me now, I'm sick and tired of looking at it every other day, because it still reminds me of the past that I want to forget.

Past? What past do I have anyway? Aside from SCREWING AROUND and DESTROYING LIVES OF PEOPLE CLOSE AND DEAR TO ME? I have always lived my life the way I thought was right, and until I met this side of you, I never knew I was wrong.

Prejudice, such a cruel word. And I thought I was cruel enough to use it on others.

Selfishness (己)

2009-07-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

Whew, Blogger finally got their box back on top and large, it was pretty tough only being able to see a small portion of what you are typing, it's easier to lose focus, and to lose focus means bad stuff happening to you, such as the Rail Tracer, or Saiga with a vengeance, or Dr. Zomboss, or getting strapped to a chair, gagged, and forced to watch Naruto fillers.

But alas, even though I'm forced to watch Naruto fillers, it won't stop me from going to school, there's too much work to be done, too much stuff to be worked on, first of all, there's always IN3D which takes up most of my time, but what really bugs me down is that I haven't even started one bit on my GRDV assignment.

Now, all I can hope for is that I somehow come up with a breakthrough that allows me to somehow concentrate and do finish every single piece of work by the end of next week. Not to mention recoding my whole OOGP and perhaps I might just push forward and make a whole RPG by myself. Now I know how horrid it feels making animated cutscenes for games.

I mean, not only are the actions limited, there can only be that amount of things loaded at one time, and not to mention, animation of blood in a 3d environment for an RPG must be horribly tough. Think about the length of the storyline, and you still have to do realistic blood animations for every single cutscene, horrid, just horrid.

But aside from completing my homework, once again I ask myself who I'm actually studying this hard for, without a religion to call to, I can only say that all I'm ever looking forward to is playing games when the assignment is over, then perhaps go out with some friends, and have some fun, perhaps work a little and pay my parents some.

They always said that you can do better when you do something for someone, and that certain someone is a person that you love. Before you get a fitting partner for yourself, you do everything for the people who love you: your parents. You do things for them, you study hard to pay back the love that they have showered you with.

But have you ever thought of it from another way? That you actually only do things for your parents because you feel indebted with all the love and concern they have shown you, and that you depend on them and don't want them to abandon you, and therefore you love them? That you do things for your love because you want love back from him/her?

That you do things for your friends because you seek companionship? That you live for food because you like eating them? That you would do anything in this world only when you stand to gain something? Even though you lose something greater, you still get to gain something that you find more important than what you lost?

Imagine if you find yourself on a boat, and your friend is drowning, you instinctively go over and save him/her, why? Not because it's the right thing to do, but because you don't want to lose that friend of yours. Now imagine if a stranger were to be the one drowning, would you go and risk your life to save that person? Or just leave him be?

Of course you would go save that person, you don't want to be ridden by guilt for not saving a life you could have saved, right? And people say it's natural to feel guilty for not being able to do something that you could have done, of course it is, it's something that you didn't do right? So why don't the fault get placed on you, but on someone else instead?

Shouldn't people be more generous? Or is it just the flow of Karma that doesn't allow people to truly do good deeds without expecting anything in return, not even a rise in ranking or relationship, not even a better friendship, not even for the greater good. Just simply... Doing stuff that they are supposed to?

I think it's not possible, and I'm pretty sure it is. This world works on a cause and effect basis, and thanks to that, the more good things you do in Life, the more things you do that are considered good by the community, the more people will like you. Even the punks who claim not to like doing good stuff, doing minor retarded stuff like tipping the trash can over.

Well, they aren't at fault, are they? All that they feel is that tipping the trash can over can make them more popular amongst their friends. Their girlfriends might like them better because they are more badass, and to make them like you better? Just tip the trash can and make them laugh alongside you at the poor little kid whose trash can was tipped over.

They feel that the little kid isn't worth as much as their friends, that's all, nothing more, nothing less. I know it's redundant to say, obviously things like this comes across your mind as normal and basic. But have you ever thought about it deeper? That all the people in this world is actually fighting, and living, for themselves, and themselves alone?

Say if a person is stranded on a road, not drowning because it will create a one sided choice about guilt. Help or no help? The answer will still be help, that is, if you're a normal living citizen who loves peace, nature, and classical music. But think about it again, what does he stand to gain from helping you?

Well, you could be some rich tycoon that happen to be looking for a smart and diligent employee, you might be a reporter and they might write good things about you, you might be some awesome retailer that was looking for a business partner, you might have a daughter who is of age, smart and pretty, not good with boys and wants a boyfriend.

Anything in this world might happen, and that's the real reason why people do things. There are no good and bad people, there are only the misguided punks who feel that their friends are worth every living thing on this planet without considering other lives may end up as friends as well, and the opportunists.

I strive to be the latter.

Baccano! (騒)

2009-07-24T00:13:00.002+08:00

I have always watched animes, both good and bad, the grosteque and the cynical, the fictional and the real, the ones that give everyone a good feeling, and also the ones that makes you want to puke at the sheer horror of its terrible-ness. I was watching Speed Grapher, it was awesome, I was watching Trigun, it was awesome. I was watching Eden of the East, it was VERY awesome.

But nothing seriously beat the latest series I watched, Baccano! It is not a psychopathic show that makes you think (Eden), it is not exactly fantasy themed exaggeration (Trigun), and neither is it showing about the vices of our society (Speed Grapher). It is simply... A dance, yes, I would call it a dance.

An orchestra, a dance, a performance of a massive 50-60 characters, in different locations and places, the main three being the city, the train, and the ship. If someone were to have unscrambled Baccano's storyline and made it chronological, I don't think I'll appreciate it as much.

Now imagine there was a plane crash between three planes, and you want to build back the planes, so you uncover each fragment, piece by piece, whilst reading and understanding what was happening on each piece. Of course at first the pieces are not going to look like the original plane, but after a while, it takes shape, it takes form, and finally, you have rebuilt the plane.

Of course you mix up some parts here and there, and there are chances that the piece from the third plane somehow magically fits perfectly onto the second plane, but it's all good, as long as you get the gist of the story, and as long as you understand the meaning behind the story, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Baccano is as such, at first, you have absolutely no idea what is going on in the story. Then you find out the biggest piece in that rubble mess, then you uncover the things that they do in the three timelines and the people that they meet, they interact, that they danced with.

With a really strong cast of characters (with the exception of Lua, who serves almost no purpose but to sit around and look pretty), everyone is likeable, and the bad old man is literally badass, he does things so awesomely and so magnificently its almost scary, and talk about badass? Claire Stanfield aka Vino aka Rail Tracer.

Bring the strongest characters from all the animes you know, be it Naruto, Ichigo, Luffy, or heck, even Vash the Stampede, everyone, pales, in, comparison, to, the, rail, tracer. He is so violent, so attractive, so sexy, so violent, so awesome, so violent, so dangerous, so violent, so scary, so VIOLENT.

VIOLENCE.

I shall write more later, my mind's blown too far away for me to think properly other than how fricking awesome Issac x Miria is, and how fricking dangerous a circus performer who have a vengence is.

Sick (病)

2009-07-22T09:18:00.002+08:00

I don't know what's more messed up, Blogger's "new" format, or me not being able to get myself to do any work at all for the past how-many-weeks, or the fact that I keep reminding myself of a certain person that I don't want to remember about.

Yes, I kept having flashbacks of people that I don't want to remember about, maybe my body's telling me that I'm old and frail and going into hypertension soon enough, but what can I do about a person that used to know me, was doing things wrong, and STILL doing wrong things?

It makes me a little ashamed that I actually used to know this person, and every time I look at a picture of this person, I can't help but to laugh, I either laugh, or I get disgusted at myself for knowing this person. No, I'm not being an elitist and pretend that knowing another person is bad, in fact, it can't be that bad right?

Extending your social circle to people that you don't even like is good, in fact. Be a hypocrite, be anything you want, I think it's just a way of putting yourself forward. Why not? Why yes, in fact? Why bother socializing with the kind of people you don't like, my sister always say, don't like em? Dump em.

Sure, easy for you to say, I think it's the way I'm brought up, I take after mum a LOT. Although on her mouth she says she doesn't like to talk to certain people, she still does, why? To keep her image of being a friendly person up. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm the same, even though I hate it. People diss me for no apparent reason, I still talk to them if they want to. Always playing the passive role in any relationship. If you still want to talk to me, I'm all up for it, but if not, just go far away, and just die off a little bit in your social circle.

I don't think I'm worth anyone's time. Not because I feel that the world is crashing down on me, and that I have the right to be emo, or because I don't have the right attitude, nor is it because I don't even get my priorities right, I feel low because I'm talking about myself.

I don't think I'm worth anyone's time, because I want to be humbler than all the stuck up head honchos that feel they are worth a billion gold, that's all. And that's the way I'm going to look at my life, always have, will forever do. Playing the passive role in a relationsip, providing an open door for talking if anyone needs it.

But what do I get for myself in the end? Nothing, nothing at all, just like the way my Mother does it. She gets nothing from being friendly, in fact, cheated and conned out of cash several times. Instead of gaining, she loses, much more than she can ever hope to get.

All she probably gained is friendship. But alas, it is just a fleeting feeling of compassion, everything dies out one day, you'll see, having a son that does nothing but play games all day, anyone would feel deprived of a proper son. Perhaps I really should look back on my ways, and change some.

I need to flush China Guy out of the toilet... He's been inside way too long...

Code (碼)

2009-07-11T17:44:00.002+08:00

I guess it's something that I thought I was going to enjoy, standing on even grounds, developers and programmers teamed up against each other, doing their best for their portfolio and for the sake of completing the game.

I was rather taken aback, I was rather taken off balance. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. Well, sure it was fun, it was a really refreshing and new experience. I never thought that so much coding can come out from the bunch of us so quickly.

Within a short 30 hours, teams are supposed to design and create a playable game that is in accordance to the theme that was given to us. Everyone started out the same, only that I realized my group, actually the whole GET with the exception of Kenny, started out late.

Yes, we were told that we can bring our own engines, and bring our own codes beforehand to the place. But what I wasn't really expecting was the ways and the methods that the other teams used to play this little competition, it was literally one-sided!

My team started our engine from scratch, in fact, we even tried using another engine and found out it doesn't work. We had way too many designers, therefore our artwork was inconsistent and rather sloppy, the worst part was the coding actually.

I had no fricking idea how to implement the game. But after about the first 20 hours, I spent the last remaining hours trying my very best to get the Visual Novel up and running. And thank heavens it did, I really did not want to lose out.

Then it hit us, like a ball of lightning, that we weren't able to port the game to the laptop we were supposed to present with. 30 hours of work, down the drain, all the designing, all the headache with coding, all the screw-ups and the re-dos that everyone did.

The other group from our class suffered just about the same as well. Only being able to create graphics that were not able to be implemented. The coding for Tabby the feline was way too tiring for our immature minds.

My group had the same as well, too many designers, too little coders that can implement the code. Struggle as we might, but aside from hard-coding it, there is no other way that I can see out of it. But alas, we couldn't even present.

I got scared, I wimped out, I didn't want anyone to see the unfinished product. Coding this took us 30 hours, yes, and it sure was a hell lot of hard work, but what can you do when the only group that managed to do things properly got a passing grade when we thought they could at least secure a 3rd?

Of course, the university students were much better off, they probably had their own engines sorted out, and all they had to do is make new graphics and implement it. Our side, we only learnt coding for 1 1/2 years, and only started learning how to code graphics.

Was there even a need for a challenge? Aside from increasing the team count and make it look like there's more of a competition rather than the one that we already have between ourselves? We were newly assigned, not everyone is on the same frequency as well.

While I had perfect knowledge of what a Visual Novel is, having played a few myself, the others had some time to really understand what it feels like to play a Visual Novel. Maybe I really should not have asked the group to do this kind of game.

Something more basic, something more down to Earth. Some simple animations that will still impress the judges with the way we animate. Something like a simple flash game that is incorporated using SDL.

But it's over, and I'm tired, and I'm pretty happy that I gained some coding experience from this, I'm one step closer to being able to code my own game right now. I already can, actually, knowing the code is one thing, and being able to design is another.

Let's just do our best for the game to come.

Syndrome (癌)

2009-07-04T02:17:00.002+08:00

Nope, not gonna talk about the recent H1N1 epidemic, or the one I would prefer to call "H0m0" syndrome (note that the 0 are zeroes), because I can't really blame the government for being too stupid and is afraid that everyone else becomes as stupid as them for missing a week of lessons.

What I really want to blog about is something that I blogged about before, and that is the retardation of humans playing games online. No, I'm not saying that playing online is bad, what I feel is bad is the intelligence level of the people online.

Sure, you may not be as smart as other people, or as good as the others, you may lack practice, you may not have played as much as others, but what the hell, at least show some proof that you actually have intelligence.

Apparently, in today's game, aside from the game where all 5 of us were in 1 team, I was totally amused by the people that I was playing with. Meeting new people and uncovering their retardation and laughing at them behind my screen is so much fun.

Yeah, and sadly, that is all that I can do, because they are either too thick headed, stubborn, or just doesn't have that inch of intelligence a normal person should have. I admit I make mistakes, and I'm not the perfect human being, hell, people even hate me.

But these are the people that really makes me feel that I should be glad I'm born this way. Thank the lord I'm born with a brain, thank the lord I'm born with a mind, thank the lord I have 25 intelligence points which makes my Mana Pool super imba at early game.

Because the one that really sparked my interest was not the Pinoy kid who caused our loss by not listening to us and acting retarded and so on and so forth, it was a game where me, Jonny and Zuyi were playing against a bunch of friends.

Those guys were pretty good, but what I realized by mid game was that the Krobelus from our team is... Well, I didnt mind his comment in early game at first for me randoming agi hero, but after a while, it hit me.

My gosh, someone in this room needs attention and is seeking it.

How do I know he's seeking attention? Well he gives crude stupid remarks, for one. He laughs at us for being Singaporeans (which I totally didnt take any offense, because I'm not one) he laughs at people for being noobs, he laughs at everything we do.

And even when I pwn him back, he doesnt shut up. My my what touch cheeks this kid have. And he's not the typical ah beng who plays DotA. The one that asks for people to go out to have coffee with him and talk things out.

He's the geeky kind, the kind I like to pwn in terms of geekiness! Scolding us noob, saying that there is no KS because its a team game, and refuses to call Rikimaru by SA even though its shorter and prefer to call it Riki.

He laughs at Zuyi playing SA for farming "again", he laughs at me for missing my Venomous gale and not noticing him being there (in which I laughed at him afterwards, and he still didnt shut up), and he used sophisticated words!

Did I spell sophisticated right? Oh no I don't even know if I spelt it right, let's see, maybe I should buddy him and ask him how to spell that really sophisticated word, known as "sophisticated", did I spell it correct this time?

What do you mean I spelt it the same all four times? Oh wait, did I spell it out four times? My maths fails so much I can't even count how many times I spelt it out! Lets see here, One, Fourty-five-thousand-three-hundred-and-thirty-five, twenty-two, four.

Did I count it correctly? I did didn't I? I mean, I was sure I counted it correctly, I have way too many fingers for this, why didn't god only give me four fingers so I can count from one to four smoothly and logically!? All the others are hindering my progress in my quest for knowledge!

God? Why did I mention God? Who is he anyway? I'm too stupid to know about any sentient and omniescent beings, wait, did I spell those correctly? Did I? I need to know to increase the amount of sophisticated words in my vocabulary!

Also, the kid types VERY FAST! I swear he does, he goes like TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP-TAP and he was done typing out "b"!

How fast is that? Seriously! His hands were moving SO DAMN FAST I probably could not stand it and get blown up to smithereens if I was around him when he plays! He got ALL his timings right, he got ALL his clicks right, he got ALL his skills right!

Imagine, using Krobelus' ghosts to engage a super under-levelled Goblin Techies! How generous is he? And guess what, by the time the real fight comes, his ulti just "BUGGERED OFF"! The damn game, such insolence, BUGGERING OFF his ulti like that.

I mean, it HAS to be a hack right, deactivating his ulti like that, POOF, there it goes, disappearing totally out of sight, not caring about anything else in this world, it went back into Krobelus' body, leaving her to die.

And obviously the opponent was also stunned by his awesome english, the way he uses it, the rate that he types, EVERYTHING that he does is graceful, mastered, fit to be called a professor, the highest level entity that anyone can achieve.

Oh, don't tell me he is Jesus himself! My, my, no wonder he claims not to be local, but registers his name as a Singaporean! Because he literally has no country he belongs to, and even if he is, he belongs to the "Island of the world-creators"! Which was not registered!

Alright enough sarcasm, well partly because Jonny knocked me back to being Ricky with talks of EVA and its pure awesomeness, I can't wait to see 2.0 ever since seeing 1.0, i mean, the amount of details that they added in was simply amazing.

I will never see another mecha show without feeling that it is truly inferior to EVA anymore.

Natal (圣)

2009-06-25T23:59:00.002+08:00

Gaming world news, Xbox 360's Project Natal and the PS3's motion sensor controller. That's all I am going to talk about as of this moment onwards. The imagery and the feel that the demos have given me have taken so much of my brain it's almost impossible not to rant about it.

First of all, the basis and the movement flow of the current world of the gaming industry. Seeing the success of Wii and it being marketed as a true home entertainment system, and looking back at the number of sales that Wii made compared to the previous consoles, its obvious.

The world is going towards the world of motion sensor. I mean, ever since touchpads came out, I think its already pretty obvious that people have the sick and dark desires to be able to interact with whatever is moving on the screen, be it a game or application.

And isnt that also why iPhone is so popular? Because it senses what you're doing with it, and makes its applications run accordingly, then comes the other phones that are half touchscreen like my LG Secret. It literally senses what I'm doing to it.

Well, more like to its touchpad actually. Because mainly the directional buttons were the literal touchpads. But don't you see the flow of the technology around us right now? Last time the world only needed the call button on a handphone.

Then came the up and down buttons when the menu came into style, then every single phone had a menu, up, down, up down, then left and right came into view, and editting messages became a lot easier since you can skip lines now.

After that, people were still not happy, Nokia phones generally had diagonal direction buttons as well, well, my 3230 had diagonal directions, Im not even sure for what though, most likely for application purposes.

After a while the handphone became a small computer, fitted with a camera and a media player to boot, I wonder who needs MP3s anymore at this day and age, when the memory storage is getting smaller and smaller, yet its capacity is getting bigger and bigger.

The world will probably soon be devoid of computers as well, palmtops anyone? Yeah they are really expensive at the moment, but think about it, things are getting cheaper and everything else is getting obselete.

And if you realize, the trend is to make everything smaller and more portable, last time the Playstation was huge because it needed discs, now the same powerful system can be played on something as small as the PSP.

Everything is made smaller, more compact, more portable. Then people wanted more, motion sensors, thus creating the DS, then people wanted even more, even more, even more content, more graphics, more animations, more applications, more cool gadgets.

In fact, I don't really understand what people want right now, the current generation wnats something that is out of this world, yet it feels realistic. That's why people create physics engines like in Half Life. It was realistic, it was nice.

But what do people want? They want more stuff, they want to interact with the characters on screen, become a game character on their own, do things that the game characters do, and this, comes from the actions of casual gamers.

Look at the current cohort of casual gamers, when they do something in the game, they want to be able to do the same things as well, like playing Wii games, they play sports, interacting with the game characters, becoming part of the game world instead of just sitting down with a controller.

Casual players feel that the real world is superior than the game world, everything in our world currently makes sense, even the most illogical thing you do is bounded by a fixed amount of rules, the way we move, the way we act, the way we do things, everything is perfect.

And that games should try and mimic whatever we do, so that even non-gamers can become gamers as well, by proving that the virtual world, is not exactly as non-motion and is about as fun as the real world, interacting online, meeting people using other personas.

Then what about old time gamers? It was old time gamers like myself that have been supporting the industry up til so far, reviewing, spreading the news of games, recommending games to people with similar interests like me, reading up on news of older game legends and the age of 16-bit.

Things like the Tower of Druaga, things like Super Mario. It's not a cliche or something that I like because every other nerd/geek/otaku that are considered experienced find it fun, I like it because it gives me the feeling of freshness.

When have you ever encountered a game where you are not impressed by the visuals, the combo system, the power you hold, the storyline, the character design, the motion sensor features, or every other un-needed things inside a game?

But you like the game because it gives you the feeling that makes you say, "Hey, this is new"? Every single RPG ever since the olden ages always seem bland to me, sure it is fun, sure they have really nice character devvelopment and so on.

But think about it, what haven't the world tried doing? With so many game companies sprouting out here and there because of the possible profits, I don't think a truly interesting and original idea will ever come out anymore.

The most they can do is to tweak, and call it a new system as a whole. But that's the whole idea isn't it? That is not original, that is just plain tweaking. Graphics is easy to make, we can just use anything ridiculous, then transform it into something workable.

Look at Tidus' hook sword, it might seem retarded to use in a real battle, but it works, and I think it's much more formidable than just a plain sword. But it's basis is still a sword, it's not a new species of its own. It's not something that came out because someone got a brilliant stroke of genius, it was something concieved when someone was playing with the design of a sword.

Everything original had already been created, and now they are only catering to the casual gamer industry because it sells, the hardcore gamers, the ones who stood by the ages, will be disappointed to know that.

Why are we disappointed? Look at Project Natal, I don't think that game is ever even playable. I mean, sure it would be cool to have, the world turning into something that we cannot imagine, but lets look back, shall we?

Imagine how the world will go along from the way we are moving on today, everything turning more and more user friendly, everything created for the customers, everything is moving forward to the age of motion sensor.

What about good game designs such as exaggerated hand motions? Leaping from place to place, slashing enemies, the plain old fun that people had always experienced? People would probably not find it doable, and the current motion sensor is too weak to do it.

Sure, people may be crazy enough to jump around the whole room just to mimic what Sora or Dante is doing, but I don't think that will sell, the world will create a more advanced technology, the world will still advance forward.

Create a safe vaccum space generator, of course, that way, the world will feel much more normal, floating about in zero gravity when you are playing a game, because no matter the amount of movement, the player will still be stuck to one spot, thus destroying the need of crashing into things here and there.

Not realistic enough! Of course, the world will always say this, then someone will strive to make even crazier models, here and there, then comes the whole idea of Virtual Reality. Wear goggles, then you literally become your character in that world.

That was probably what .HACK is trying to say. The world is moving too fast, what happens when there are all these technology, where your mind can go into the system and control it directly, and you play a game while being asleep?

What happens if there was a virus outbreak? What happens when a hacker comes in and attack? You can't expect the world to be nice nice little people that goes around playing games, there are always people that go around destroying things for fun.

Then technology advances some more, and even more realism is placed within the game, psychological scars appear when you get hit in the game, people will pay to play a game that inflicts pain on them. Now imagine what it feels like to be beheaded.

Games aren't games anymore nowadays. Last time it used to be games for de-stress. Avid gamers take grinding and fighting random monsters as a way to escape the real world, and for something to vent on. But what about next time?

Next time, it would be we working for the games, allowing them to do things to us never experienced before. Hell, if sex was possible online, I think it would be the world's number one game in this sick, twisted world we live in right now.

I swear, even if the meteor don't destroy us by 2012, looking at the way the world moves in, it's pretty apparent who destroys who.

Banana (記)

2009-06-19T04:37:00.003+08:00

Screw you Jon xD

1. The person who asked me to do.

- Jonny Tan Ziyi

2. Your relationship with him/her.

- His boyfr- I mean, good friend.

3. Your first impression on him/her.

- A dashing stallion with plenty of girlfriends attracted to his emo nature

4. Your most memorable moment with him/her.

- When went to DMC movie outing

5. The most memorable thing you said to him/her.

- "I love you too"

6. If him/her becomes your lover?

- That would be GAY

7. If him/her becomes your lover, what would you like him/her to improve on?

- +5 to your stats on "Destroy Humanity" pl0x, we dont just need zombies, we need laser gunz too. Ur statz too low cant equipz

8. If him/her becomes your enemy, what will you do?

- Kill him the same way he will kill me

9. If him/her becomes your enemy, what will be the reason?

- I slapped his face while sle- i mean, accidentally.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is?

- A really good girlfriend suitable for this awesome guy.

11. Your overall impression on him/her.

- Violent, cynical, emo boy that gets passionate about anime and sweet little girls.

12. The characteristic you love most about yourself.

- Retarded, retarded, retarded (gay)

13. The characteristic you hate most about yourself.

- Bothering to do this thingy

14. The most ideal person you want to be is?

- Hardo Gay

15. For people that care and like you, say something to them.

- Continue liking me then, lol, I'm just a fair weather friend anyway.

16. Pass this quiz to 10 people who you want to know how they feel about you.

1) JONNY THE VIOLENT (HA DO ANOTHER ONE FOR ME)

2) BOBO THE CATLOVER

3) AHMAD THE TORNADO

4) KEITH THE HOMING

5) QINGFU THE HARPOON

6) LEONARD THE NERD

7) ROSANNE THE TARD

8) WEI LEONG THE NOOB

9) ZUYI THE USAGI-MIMI-LOVER

10) KRISTY THE CHERRYBLOSSOM

17. Who is 6 having a relationship with?

- Think he's single? Or at least he told me he WAS.

18. Is 9 a male or female?

- FEMALE, DEFINITELY, i mean, Rukia and everything.

19. If 7 and 10 were together, would it be a good thing?

- Good, some lesbianism for me to see.

20. What is 2 studying at the moment?

- "How to destroy the world with kitties and other furry animals", written by Boris Quek

21. When was the last time you had a chat with 3?

- about a day ago i guess

22. What kind of music does 8 like?

- Any song involving taking a girl from behind.

23. Does 1 have any siblings?

- Heard he has a really hot sister.

24. Will you woo 3?

- Duh, he's hot and all.

25. How about 7?

- Nope, too thin, go grow more muscles Ros, then I'll consider xD

26. Is 4 single?

- Not the last time I checked, but he DID marry Cirno.

27. What's the surname of 5?

- Wang, his full name is Elvin Wang Qing Fu LAWL

28. What's the hobby of 5?

- Emoing and playing bored games with himself

29. Do 5 and 9 get along well?

- They dont ven know each other.

30. Where is 2 studying at?

- Studies the many ways of making a feline loves you, and game programming.

31. Say something casual about your eyes.

- They are shooting lazers

32. Have you tried developing feelings for 5?

- Ew.

33. What colour does 4 like?

- PINK, HOT, GAY, PINK. Other than that, Orange.

34. Are 5 and 1 good friends?

- Probably will emo together in some random corner about different stuff, but I dont think they'll get along.

35. Does 7 like 2?

- WHOOPS

36. How did you get to know 2?

- CATLOVERS ATTRACT ONE ANOTHER

37. Does 1 have any pets?

- He has a slave dog named AHMAD THE TORNADO.

38. Is 7 the sexiest person in the world?

- No, duh, she needs to grow muscles, and a beard.

39. How is 4 related to you?

- TOUHOU LOVERS UNITE

40. Describe 4.

- FLY ME TO THE MOON AND LET ME CHOKE CUZ GOT NO AIR, LET ME SEE WHAT SPRING IS LIKE AND SING LIKE LILY WHITE, IN OTHER WORDS, LASER BEAMSSSSSS, IN OTHER WORLD, GO SCREW YOURSELF, LIVE AMONGST THE SUN AND LET ME SING WHILE BURNING UP, YOU ARE ALL I LONG FOR ALL I WORSHIP AND A DOOR, IN OTHER WORDS, PLEASE BEAT YOUUUUUUUUUU, IN OTHER WORDSSSSS, KILLING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Difference (霧)

2009-06-16T04:04:00.002+08:00

Whist being around different types of humans, I have noticed a gradual pattern, a gradual pattern in what I would call attitude, not attitude towards people, or their attitude towards things that are around them, but the attitude towards self.

From really basic generalization, the first kind of humans anyone would be able to identify would be the "Proud". Usually the leader in gangs and organizations, they are the leading man, with pride and the confidence that they are able to take down anything in their path.

Coming towards looks, the "Proud" are usually very careful with it, be it male or female, they dress, they try, they wear, they do everything to make them any amount more beautiful than what they already are, the "Proud" are usually the best looking.

The "Proud" is also the kind that would do anything by any means to get whatever they want. They want somebody, they will strive for it, they want something, they will work for it, they want power, they will fight for it.

The greater the rewards, the more push the "Proud" gets, the motivation is higher to push him/herself to higher grounds, all with the thinking "I will get it in the end, and that is worth my time", they will continue, never to yield.

But by being a "Proud", one can guess, you will lose your sense of direction. Only driven by greed are you able to pursue greater goods, and once you lose sight or incentive about what may be good for you, you will lose all means to go forward.

They will become clumsy, lazy, and foolish, not striving anymore and feeling that s/he had already reached the highest epitome of greatness, never ever pushing yourself ever again in the same direction, but instead, work towards another means.

The "Proud", though materialistic, is not the kind to cherish. Once they have found what they wanted, they will get bored, they will need something new, they must always have something interesting to do, they desire a fight, they desire conflict.

So if another character were to step into his possession, s/he gets excited, it will charge forward blindly, and even if the other party were to back out, lose out, or just simply get defeated, it will continue fighting, fighting blindly with whatever that's left.

Tearing it's victims apart, disembowelment, pure destruction, until no shards are left from its previous victim. Then they will stand up, claiming victory over his own land once more, and then boast about what happened, making others believe he is the strongest.

All until another "Proud" comes along, or another type of soul, were to step into its land, challenging its authority, its righteousness, its justice, its freedom, its will. Then the cycle will repeat once again.

Most humans are "Proud"s, they are the epitome of what people would call the hard worker, the people from the mainstream industry, the people that blindly follow others because they feel that it is the most effective way to live, and not something they have passion in.

Getting a medium paying job, getting routinal work hours, doing the same things over and over again, an effective way to get money, to gain power, to attain henchmen, in this world, but very, very foolish.

----------------------------------------------------------

The second type of human being, are called the "Blessed", the "Blessed" had everything it ever wanted, the "Blessed" had money, the "Blessed" had looks, the "Blessed" had a bright future laid out for it to walk, its life was meant to be a beautiful garden of roses.

Thankfully, the "Blessed"'s garden of roses have thorns in it, unknowing to it, its parents were the ones that painstakingly removed the thorns for it. Thus allowing it to walk down a path of pleasure, whistling and dancing, falling into the soft bushes.

Whilst the others can only watch in envy, or let greed take over them, the "Blessed" will continue walking in his garden of flowers, what else can a person do when they do not know the meaning of suffering?

Perhaps it is a prick in its fingers, perhaps it is a scrape from the rough wall, the "Blessed" will get frustrated, distracted, and never to look the same way again. Anything that have ever mistreated it will suffer an unfortunate end.

No matter which type of job the "Blessed" ever takes, there are people that are bound to hate it. Why the injustice? Why do they get everything? Why do they always get the kind of life everyone always wanted to have? What do they have and I don't?

The answer lies not within yourself, but within the people that bore you. The "Blessed" probably would grow old and die without knowing the suffering of people, they can look over some buildings and tell themselves, I know how they feel, I feel for them.

All that they ever felt was pity for the lower humans, the way they look at others, with tinted glasses, with colored lenses, everything that the "Blessed" ever felt was pity, neither can they ever feel the sorrow, nor can they ever feel the pain.

The "Blessed", are truly "Blessed". And if they can continue being a "Blessed", its offsprings will turn out the same way as him, unknowing, unforgiving, unfeeling, and worst of all, inhuman. Everything the World wanted to be.

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The third kind of person that the world has categorized, is the "Weep", the "Weep" is envious, it is jealous, it is angry at the "Blessed", angry at the "Proud", angry at everything else that stands above it.

The "Weep", unlike the "Proud", does not do anything about its own life, always bound by circumstance, always held back by an imaginary force, always deterred by something else, blaming everything else around it, rather than just itself.

"There is just no way", the "Weep" said, "There is no way I can catch the fair maiden's heart, for all I am is a beast, an unloving one, the beauty can never be forgiving enough to be together with a wretched soul like me, for I am but a beast."

"That's impossible", said the "Weep", "I will never be able to create anything like that, for I am born not with a talented mind, but with a foolish one, unable to think for oneself and feel for oneself, all I am is but a fool".

"I can't do it", sobbed "Weep", with tears in its velvet eyes, "Though you may tell me I am able to pull this task off by myself, I cannot, for I have such heavy hands, such weakened arms. These arms that will not move unless I force them to, it's impossible".

"Over my dead body!" cried "Weep", clutching its hand to its breast, "For I am but a weakened form of a human life, there is no way I can get a life any better than my own, for I have done everything I could, I have walked this path, and this is my path alone".

"Look at me!" shouted "Weep" angrily, "This is what you made me become, this is the body of circumstance, this is the result of everyone's efforts in raising me, this is what the society has forced me to be! Feast your eyes in my grotesque!"

"It's imminent." said the "Weep" calmly, "Death is imminent, it shall soon become me, and I shall soon become it, all I can ever do right now is think about how beautiful I can make my death be, and how people will always remember me".

The "Weep", unbeknown to it, always had the power to change, the hands, the legs, the effort, the energy, the power to create, the power to think, the power to motivate, the power to love, the power to charm. All it lacks is courage.

Courage is what it lacks, and wisdom is what it refuses to accept. The latent power within the "Weep" slowly dies away, withering, withering, withering. Poor "Weep", it shall never awaken to what it was able to do within its life, dying just like that.

The full potential that remains untapped, the endless, boundless imagination created by try and err, the ability to motivate others, the ability to fight to its death, the ability to shine, will all be in its grave with him, never to surface.

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The Fourth kind of person in the world are the "Hate", "Hate" is angry, "Hate" is also jealous, "Hate" is everything that the world never wanted to be, "Hate" never had friends, "Hate" always went everywhere alone, "Hate" seeks revenge.

But when comforted with pleasure, "Hate" tends to think that it is being laughed at, picked upon, thus, "Hate" continues to become angry, flaming everything he knows, flaming everywhere it goes, "Hate" was despicable.

It always wanted everything, and felt like he never got anything in return, but unlike "Weep", whom he hates for being able to hide its emotion so well, "Hate" openly shows it to everyone. Voicing out his complaints even though he can never do better.

Perhaps it's the feeling of inferiority when compared to "Proud" or "Blessed", "Hate" was never the hardworking kind, in fact, it hates everything so much that it refuses to do anything. It hates hard work, because he finds it tiresome, cumbersome.

He hates striving for things that are in the world, because he felt that those should be his anyway. He believes everything in this world is his, just that the greedy people took them away from the rightful owner, him.

"Hate" continues to develop, having negative thoughts in his mind, finding malice in every goodwill, which can never not be found, because every human has a fragment of "Hate" within them, all they can do is hide it, but not "Hate".

The goodwill becomes a given for "Hate", it hates everything, even the item that was just received, even if it was a pure feeling, he would consider it as pity given to a less fortunate like him, to be taunted at, to be mocked at, "Hate" develops.

Soon, "Hate" can never control itself anymore, it will ravage through towns, killing plenty as it goes along, swallowing everything in its burning flames, hoping that the destruction will somehow calm his mind down, but it will never come.

"Hate" sets everything it sees on fire, self destruction by murder for the others' pity on it, by theft for believing everything in this world is its, by rape for his belief that anyone he wants, he can get, because they originally belong to him.

Sadly, the ones with the most possession is not "Hate", all "Hate" can do is destroy, while "Proud" can slowly create whilst destroying itself, and "Blessed" always had plenty but destroys himself with it.

"Weep" had another story in "Hate"'s eyes, though "Weep" had the hate within it, it never dared to do anything, all it can ever do is complain, burdening the others around it, "Rage" dislikes "Weep" as well, for the sole reason that they believe different things.

While "Weep" believes everything was not meant to be its, "Hate" believes everything was meant to be its. But what "Hate" never knew was the amount of power it has, now, if only "Hate" was a little more understanding...

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The last kind of person is the terrific kind of person, the people call it "Peace". "Peace" loved everything, though it is poor, was not looked up upon and is always being bullied by everyone else. "Peace" loved to help others.

"Peace" saw "Weep" crying in a corner, "Don't give up!", "Peace" said, "I don't think you're that grotesque a person, all you have to do is change yourself a little, the world will start shining once again! Just try doing anything in your wildest imagination!".

"Peace" saw "Hate" waving a blazing roll of newspaper, "Stop!" "Peace" exclaimed, "Destroying is not the way you should do things, perhaps you should turn your imagination a little, turn your destruction into creativity!"

"Peace" was friends with "Proud", Looking at "Proud" stand so tall in the mountains, "Peace" told it, "You are never tired of trying out new things, so why not try treasure the things you held so dear before? Come now, you should try something old for a change".

"Peace" hated "Blessed", because "Blessed" was always sheltered, "Blessed" had everything it wanted. "Perhaps you should share your goodwill with the others," "Peace" said, "Though you may pity them, pitying them will not do them any good, give them something."

"Peace" was a peacemaker, he tried his best to right all the wrongs in his friends, he tried to persuade them to do what he felt was right. To correct them in their faults, to mend them in their ways, so that there may be more "Peace" in this world.

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"Weep" tried to propose to the girl he loved, because of "Peace"'s encouragement, but alas, was turned down, poor "Weep" did not have the looks to charm the woman's heart, all it can ever be was a grotesque monster.

"Weep" thought back at "Peace"'s words, and felt that he should not give up, and continued pursuing the maiden, but to no avail. Slowly, "Weep" stopped crying, "Weep" stopped sobbing, "Weep" hardened his feelings, slowly,

"Weep" turned into "Hate".

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"Hate" turned to look at himself, alas, what have I been doing past my life? If only I realized "Peace"'s words sooner! If only I were to channel all these hate I have within me to a better use! What could have been created then?

"Hate" then tried to fight for its rights, it stopped murdering, it stopped fighting, it stopped thieving, but using logic and wisdom, it won its trophy, its well deserved trophy. "More... More" "Rage" said, "I want more of everything!" slowly,

"Rage" turned into "Proud".

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"Proud" looked at itself after "Peace"'s words, then turned around to look at the things it held dear before, it swore allegiance to its country, it swore its parents to take care of them, it swore love to its spouse.

"Proud" teared up on the spot, realizing it did not take care of its social life for so long, it fell over to its spouse, sobbing, and promising to take care of them. Having money, having power, having looks, having a good family, slowly,

"Proud" turned into "Blessed".

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"Blessed" looked around, pondering "Peace"'s words, pity was not a cure for the world, it looked at the filthy World around it, and decided to dive into the harsh reality, never knowing pain from young, "Blessed" was bluffed, "Blessed" was stripped off every penny it had.

"Blessed" wailed, not having anything else to defend itself with, its parents long gone, and its family far from loving it, the one that was unable to feel now drowns in its own tears every night, wishing that it never did what it did, but never able to voice it out, slowly,

"Blessed" turned into "Weep".

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"Peace" never knew anything, "Peace" never knew the damage it caused amongst its friends, some made it big, some fell from grace, all was part and parcel of life, all "Peace" ever knew was how to make merry, and making new friends, and advising others.

Advising others how to attain the title of "Peace", and its little game never ends, because for some strange reason, there are always people that are imperfect in this world, there are people always suffering, there are people always lacking.

And "Peace" is there, setting out from its home to right the wrong.

Inn (房)

2009-06-12T03:37:00.002+08:00

I swear, if anyone in class right now is not going bonkers over our IN3D assignment, he have not started doing ANYTHING yet at all, probably, either that, or he put in minimal effort to even start doing the damn assignment, one building and I'm already going crazy.

I swear, if after this photoshop picture i put in anymore effort into my Inn, I would have to have a larger monitor, and have watched 2500 minutes of porn, but by then I would be too tired to do anything else, thus defeating the purpose.

Aside from going crazy over my damn assignment, I finished watching Monster (yes, believe it, I watch Monster to de-stress, pretty smart huh, I end up stressing myself instead) and while it is really a good and exciting thriller, it stressed me out even worse.

I can conclude that watching Monster can have 2 after-effects, one is calming yourself down and enlightening yourself, thus making your brain clearer and having a better string of thoughts, or you go totally crazy and stop thinking.

I decided to take the risky power boost, and I fell short to becoming totally crazy and going around shouting "Look at me! Look at me! The Monster inside me has grown so big!" and going "Chomp Chomp, Gobble Gobble, Slurp Slurp, Gulp" at every passerby.

After a while of doing some homework, my mind cleared up and I think I'm able to continue working again, I guess watching the show was not such a bad idea after all. Anyway, all's over and I really liked that show, should pick up another to watch.

The other day I was searching for a Tales of the Abyss batch torrent, and happened to stumble upon a really familiar name, Sora Aoi, and started to remember what a cutie she is, and it also struck me that the torrent was one of her AV shows.

I wasted no time in clicking the download button ;D

Sung (情)

2009-05-25T02:09:00.003+08:00

I think Skyne's syndrome of emoness is getting to me a little, I'm actually rather depressed after reading what he wrote on his blog, argh, emo is ruling over the world at the moment, us happy shiners ned to show the world how life is meant to be lived.

Ricky is a sentimental yet emotional and yet still rational person, no matter how people actually disagree to that statement, I make my stand about being an upright individual only with a slight perversion about younger girls and maid costumes and cat ears.

But then again, who doesn't have these deep, dark fetishes within them? I believe most people have at least some kind of fetish. Thank the heavens mine is pretty common amongst the male community, or is it, really?

I guess I'm not to say, but looking at the number of male population around the world, it is pretty much safe to say that even if it's just 1%, there are people like me around the world who feels, thinks and acts the same way as me.

But so will the screwed up people of the world, won't they? The murderers, the one who blames everything on something else (the entire teenage population actually) , and of course, the imba perverse (the ones who likes gore atop the feminine body) .

I have just described one of my very best friends actually. He doesn't show it much, and he doesn't like talking about it. He likes his fetish to be known as "strictly limited to little girls with katanas" and the "katanas" actually mean NOTHING.

Well duh it's kinda obvious he wants them to cut each other up, with him explicitly saying that he likes them when they have katanas. In fact, I still don't understand why he doesn't really like Youmu, she fits the category damn well... Almost to a T.

Ogm I just sAid Mr. T's nAme out loud he'z gunnA gets me naoughsz, wif Ae mArz bAr twoo

No punctuation there because stupid cutesy trash talkers dont give a damn about punctuation at the end of the sentences, they expect people to tell the difference between "what the" and "what the (without the question mark)"

Anyway there's a certain limit to being cute and acting cute, I believe, if you try too hard, you bound to pass to the people close to you (and obviously loves you) , but you just annoy the hell out of everyone else.

I think the Muslim teaching is rather true at this point, and that is the part about "your lovey dovey business should be kept at home" or something like that with similar meaning. Except that I think it should be replaced with "more private spaces"

It's okay if it's a crowded train where no one can see you make out in a little corner. Or deep inside some random dark alley where only the rats are the audience. But out in the open, when the sun is still bright as day, in front of an audience that understands what you're doing.

I think it's better not to do anything too mushy out in the open, for one, it arouses jealousy out of the single guys out there, and for the single girls, it arouses hate, this is especially bad if your friends are still generally single by the way.

For the already hitched couples, they might take the hint and copy whatever you're doing, like kissing out in the open, making out, clinging onto each other, or running around naked around palm trees.

Hey this is Earth, where the most educated beings still do what they want and not give a damn, so anything might happen, mark my words, there are bound to be people doing god knows what in whichever corner of the world right now.

All I can care about right now, is Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops, and sleeping.

I still need the latter, a lot.

Rant (寄)

2009-05-19T21:58:00.003+08:00

I wonder if I used this Kanji before, ah well, whatever the case, I got this really awesome rant going on in my head while sitting outside the office waiting for Mr Chee to give me my earphones that CM passed to him back to me.

Well, what happened was that I actually ended up running half the school (school, not campus) just to find him, and I found him, right at the place where I left the earphones, Major Project Lab. Why couldn't CM just leave it alone for a little while longer before I actually go there and get it myself?

Anyway, that aside, the day have been quite good to me, just that while waiting, I get this, really, irresistible urge to rant, and that is, once again, on the teenagers of today. I wonder why I find so much problems with them when they feel that they are angels.

I noticed a certain trend with the teenagers of today, that trend happens to be really stupid, but somewhat true for almost everything that they do. That trend is : Whatever thing that is brought to the level of "Serious", is child's play.

Now you may say that this does not make sense, this is not right, this is stupid and other whatnot, but I guess I actually felt this within myself, and thus the urge to type it all out appears, that, and hate to self emerges once again.

Take a look at "Games" for instance. "Casual Games" are for the cool teenagers, is it not? Playing facebook, for instance, their games, their quizzes, their chats, those are for the cool people to do, the hip, the young, the ones with life.

But when brought to another level, say, "SERIOUS GAMING", like playing something everyday for a fixed period of time, such as having a DotA match twice a day, or alternate tabbing, doing work while letting Restaurant City run in the background, those are for KIDS.

Why? Because it's just a game, don't need to be so serious about it, isn't it? The sake of "fun" is only limited to playing something once every 3 days, capped off at a certain interval, unable to continue its progression.

Okay, take another example, Taiko no Tatsujin. Guys/Girls that play "Normal" and "Easy" are considered "People with Life", whereas anything above that is considered "No Life Player", "Nerds", "Dorks", "Geeks", "Whachamacallits".

But think about it this way, if you actually have interest in a game, why won't you continue to pursue it? Continue to pursue it, continue to be better at it, research about it, join a community about it, learn more about it.

"Nah, those are for kids." The teenagers will say. "Game only wad, why so serious about it?" They will continue ranting, "I not so no life one, everyday chiong this type of game, play long already fun meh, play once or twice nia, like that then fun wad."

I don't think I comprehend, the mentality of the "anti-mania" they already have instilled inside their heads. The rock-hard determination to look down on anyone who actually puts effort into playing a game is SERIOUSLY very impressive.

But, there comes a change, something that they don't look down upon: Music. If you're a Jay Chou fan, you're probably cool amongst your friends. If you sing JJ Lim's songs, you're probably asked to go to every single K-Box session your friends have.

So, it's okay to devote your life into something that you don't even do, something that isn't even original, something in which you actually sing after someone else have sung it. But playing something like it's meant to be played is not cool at all?

You didn't create those songs, but neither did any of us create these games, but was the main purpose of creating songs is not for people to sing them, it's for people to listen to them, isn't it? And yet by legally infringing copyright and singing other people's songs, you become popular.

But by watching a show that is ALSO liscenced, you get jailed. Isn't it the biggest irony the world can ever have? By playing a game that is meant to be played, you get looked down upon, by watching shows, you get into trouble with the laws.

"Can always watch online wad, why download?" is the first stage of rejection. First of all, doesn't anyone understand that streaming sites are also illegal? That's why crunchyroll removed most of their backlinks to their videos don't they?

"Why bother watching shows online when you can watch them in TV?" is the second stage of rejection, now how about the shows that never made it to our shores? With what little animes the Singapore Media has to offer, I don't think it's enough to satisfy everyone.

"Why watch animes in the first place, it's for children" is the final, and absolute stage of rejection, the kind which I hate. Why watch it? Why do people even watch Singaporean soap operas is what i want to ask people.

People watch animes because they LIKE it, the same way you like your damn SOAPY DRAMAS. In fact, most animes aren't about life as to how it's meant to be lived, that's why it's so exciting isn't it? Wasn't it exciting to watch dramas with SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCES?

"Why watch those unreal kind sia, so unreal, watch real life one leh, make u smarter in real life" Too bad, I feel that having a vast and broad imagination beats having a small mind with knowledge as to HOW TO GET A GIRL'S HEART IN 9178364875 STEPS.

In fact, I think it's much more USEFUL to have a creative mind that is able to think out of the box rather than having the knowledge as how to GET A GIRL'S HEART IN 9178364875 STEPS. At least, you'll be contributing to the society, more than just making babies.

"Waliew, dun wan talk to u liao la, u so geek" is the kind of reaction I would expect out of anyone by this point of time. Why not? I mean, there's always the option of running away after being defeated in a text fight. Of course, I play taiko, I don't just have my vocabulary, do I?

Or perhaps this is why I was given with such a complicated mindset, so complex that I act like a child in front of others, but when I'm ranting, I don't think I sound like a 19-year old, complaining about broken fingernails or messed up hair, or failing a test.

But somehow, somewhat, somewhere, people tend to like those dumb posts better. The kind that simply tells a story about their emo life, about how they are ~~raped~~ tortured by the society, treated like trash, and used by their parents as a show off tool.

Sure, rant about them, and prove that once again, you are at the bottom of the society, jealous at those who stands on top, don't get me wrong, I'm one of you guys, but I just don't complain about how I failed to GET A GIRL'S HEART IN 9178364875 STEPS.

Fool (丑)

2009-05-18T22:43:00.001+08:00

I wonder since when was I this desperate? So much so that I actually confessed before I knew the other party well enough, of course, the other party pretty much rejected. I was kind of relieved, it was more like a dare to ask her out actually, a dare set by Syaz and Jon.

In fact, I was really happy that she said yes for the past 2 days. The feeling of actually having a girlfriend for a brief period of time, I treasure it. I think it's enough to keep me going on for a few more years, without the desperation of needing a girlfriend.

Hehe, I guess I'm already back to how I was before. Before the point where I asked Bobo what does a person seek in another gender, before the time when Leong was getting played around, before Zuyi even broke up.

The Ricky that just stepped into Temasek Polytechnic, ready to look forward to studying about Games Designing and Games Programming, something he wanted to do for the past 18 years of his life, something he can commit to.

Now if only I didnt fall sick this morning, the day would have been a lot better. I wasn't able to finish my MAYA Journal because of it. Now my sketchbook is handed up, credits to Renqi and the rest that came over just now. Without my floor plan.

I guess when I take it back tommorow, I should really start sitting down and start doing my floor plan, then my homeworks, one by one. Let's see, what do I have? CMSK by Wednesday, GADS and French by Thursday.

I guess I should really start settling down and doing some homeworks, I wonder how long has it been since I felt this way? I guess being around lovesick guys too much can be rather contagious. Either that, or I'm more human than I thought I was.

Time to start my life anew once again.

Uninstall (卸)

2009-05-11T05:04:00.002+08:00

Sigh, another night without sleep, yet once again it's because I, once again, have too many things in my mind, things that can't be put into words, things that can't really be put into actions, things I can't really show out to people. Things, like feelings.

What made me think so much is actually the song Uninstall, from the opening of Bokurano, a mecha anime series similar to EVA, which I am currently watching at the moment. While there isn't much to be talked about in the whole series, I feel that the song has a deep meaning.

Before even watching the show, there is already much that you can feel from the song, even without looking at the translated meaning. The term, Uninstall, by itself, already holds so many mysteries when used in common context, don't you think?

The first phase of Uninstallation, will be to ward. This phase is the phase when there is already danger or a risk to anything that you may do, you will try to ward it off. Uninstalling the undesirable item off your system.

This act, I feel is the common act that most people do not go by. Even if someone or something that's close to you somehow or somewhat suddenly threatens you, wou wouldn't ward them off like some computer program would you?

But this is the stupidity of humans I guess, the inability to ward off any incoming dangers, and foolishly letting themselves step into a danger zone, only for the sake of his or her friends, and just to be manipulated and to be used.

The stupidity that I was not able to free myself of, the stupidity that led to a major mistake, the stupidity to tell a lie, the stupidity to cover another person, the stupidity that led me to lose friends, the stupidity that is never to be reversed.

The second phase of Uninstallation would be to delete. Since the warding has failed, there is only chance for you to delete that threat, to totally eliminate anything that had already caused you harm, to console yourself.

Once again, this is not possible in human context, why? Because we're humans by nature. Life is so much precious to us as to others, we cannot just simply take another person's life just because they caused harm to you.

We are a civillized species, killing is for the savage. But is it really the case here? Wouldn't life be much simpler if we are allowed to kill whoever brought us harm? Wouldn't life be much simpler if revenge was a common thing, instead of a feeling we have to surpress?

The feeling of regret after allowing the invasion of a virus. The unwanted stuff, the creation of a new program that may just ruin your system life forever, this is the second phase of uninstallation. This is also the phase that most people can't get over.

The third phase of uninstallation is forgetting. Forgetting anything that had already happened to you, delete them all, memories can be deleted, they can be deleted with time, when people grow old, what they gain is age and wisdom, at the sacrifice of mind power.

Things happen one after another in our daily lives, so much so that we cannot comprehend all of it. Not everything is registered in your brain, not everything can be utilized and stored, and thus we forget. Painful memories, happy memories, any kind of memories will be uninstalled.

But that, once again, is humanely impossible. To forget something instantneously, that is, rather than allowing the file to slowly become redundant, and your memory scanner wipes it clean off from you automatically.

To forget, is not a godly act to do, it just takes time. Whatever it is that we humans do, it takes time, it takes effort, it takes courage, it takes personality, it takes faith, it takes magnitude, it takes power. So much so like a computer, yet so different.

The fourth and final stage of uninstallation is the escape. It is to run away from anything that had happened. It is to give up all hope and abandon everything that had been built up until so much. Lying to yourself, telling yourself it's the best way to go.

It is also the place where most people will end up in. The escapism path. To run away from all responsibilities of doing anything at all, telling yourself it's not worth the trouble to go through. That perhaps a new start may be better than repairing your life.

This is also the worst place to be in, simply because memories that are unable to be uninstalled comes here and haunt you with it, living with the guilt and the burden of your unresolved past. To run away means to escape, and to escape means to get chased.

Chasing, then escaping again, then getting chased again, the never ending cycle of the sinner, not wanting to face up to his crimes, and only choosing to seek shelter in the temporary escapism, running off on the streets, making sure they're not caught.

But is it really the way people's lifes are supposed to be lived? Perhaps there was actually more to life than just following orders and laws. Perhaps there is some greater being that may call you one day, sooner or later, for a better future, for a better life.

But us humans, that are currently on this world, what are we? Why do we have the task of surviving amongst the many millions of lives around us? What is our mission, really? To make the most of our lives?

If so, what is the most of our lives? How much can a person accomplish with just the small workspace in front of us? How much do we have to suffer, not being able to do the things that we want, just to make the most of our lives?

Or is making the most out of our lives connected to the happiness level that we are always in? Is making the most out of our lives being the most happy a person can be? To endure through all hardships together with a bunch of people you're happy with?

Hang on, why does enduring hardship with others make a person happy? Because they are glad that they aren't suffering all alone? Because they are glad that there are others to walk this path with you? Because they are glad that they are not solitary?

Doesn't that make human beings worse than filth? That suffering all alone isn't the way to go, just because there is no one to drag them down with? So take for an example the fourth phase of uninstallation, will they be happier if they brought someone down with them?

Yes of course they will! We are humans after all! We enjoy seeing others suffer and then gloat about it, especially causing harm to another person, smiling with glee as to how much they love themselves and not others.

What was that? They do not have the ability to show passion for each other? What is passion exactly? The strong feelings that bond one person to another, the ability to endure all hardships together, wait, I'm going in circles am i not?

But back to the topic of passion, what is it actually? What do people really see in another that makes them attached to that other person? The looks? The way they behave? The way they talk? The way they are able to act? The way they handle situations?

Correct, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. It is simply the looks that make people keep going. Humans are a savage brute. They only get close to the people they think are attractive to them, they only decide how much is a person worth by their looks.

Don't believe me? Try it out amongst your friends, have you ever truly found yourself talking to a person willingly that doesn't fulfill your criteria of "normal-looking"? Like the disabled, like the retarded, like the very same person that you are.

I think not, in fact, I haven't, I'm human after all, lusting and craving after anything that seems out of reach, beauty, passion? NO, there is no passion involved, even if there is, there is only the passion for LUST, the passion for INTELLECT.

What is Intellect then? Have anyone ever answered that question? Is it being street smart? Or is it having a few degrees and masters? Is it their ability to learn? Or is it their ability to adapt? Is it their ability to lie, or is it their ability to run?

Intellect is, actually a person's ability to do the same repeating movements without getting bored. If intellect can be obtained through a short period of time, you are considered clever, but if not, you are considered stupid.

It doesn't really matter if you took 7 years to get a degree, or 1 year, because all that people look at is the degree, not the number of years you took to get it. And that is what matters in our humanely stupid world.

Because humans have no brains, oh sorry, I should have paraphrased, because humans only has the brain for their lust. They only use their imagination to lust after something unattainable, to have greed and their eyes set on something they can never get.

To dream is to realize, and to realize is to dream. The start of a dream is at the end of the reality, and the start of the reality is at the end of your dream. But what if humans dreams and emotions were all but a lie?

The most raw, and the most basic emotion, that any human can ever feel, would be lust. Screw greed, pride, envy, or anything else for that matter. What humans think about is lust, and don't try to deny it, it doesn't make you any smarter.

The craving for something you can never have, isn't that dreaming? Then the reality steps in, and you try your very best to realize that dream, like getting a job that you like, like making something that you want to make, instead of doing mundane, everyday tasks.

But isn't that all just a lie? The real reason why the phrase was created that way isn't to tell people to continue dreaming, it is to refrain people from dreaming actually. You dream about something huge, like changing the world, saving it, or destroying it.

Then when you come into reality, you realize that you're THAT powerless, unable to change anything with your hands alone, then you start thinking that you're powerless, you're stupid, you should dream of something more practical.

Then you start scaling down your dreams, one by one, bit by bit, lust after something more attainable, go after something that is within reach, something you can grab with your hands, something that is not impossible.

Then you realize that the less you dream, the more unattainable it is, reality is harsh, but so are humans. Those who cannot bear to dream anymore, and has reached the limit of their dreaming, what do they become? They become a dream themselves.

They rob, they steal, they do whatever they want, not legally of course, they will only give in to their greed, their sloth, their lust, their pride, their envy, their wrath, their very soul. That's why hope never existed in the first place, because it was never there to begin with.

Hope is something you dream for, but isn't it just like all the other sins of the human being? They hope for something, they lust for something. Humans hope for a bright future, they envy those with bright future, wrath kicks in, bad ending for both parties.

We are a savage troop, a being that is only controlled by emotions, thats why perserverance is needed, but then again, people don't look at this trait inside a human, back to the original point, humans, will only look at their appearance, that, and their intellect.

Such savage beasts, such simplistic minds, such uncomplicated lifes. What is there to be proud of in being human, what makes one think they can discriminate against their own species? So what if the other party has more facial hair? Does it give you the right to bomb them?

To kill them? To murder? To steal? To thieve? To rob? To bulglarize? To snatch? To kill? To take away? The instincts of a human is that simple isn't it? Whatever I don't have, I must attain, whatever I already do, forget about it and aim higher.

Sometimes, I wish I can just uninstall everything. Life by itself, life of others, that are continuously running through my brain, memories of the past, happenings of the present, and predictions of the future.

Uninstall.Everything.

Happenings (来)

2009-05-07T01:58:00.002+08:00

I guess it's about time I wrote on DAILY SHIT THAT HAPPENS EVERYDAY LIKE A NORMAL TEENAGER DOES. So here goes, what happened in the past week, included is the documentation of what I have to rant about.

First of all, I'm back at school, yes I am, I swear, to those that still don't believe, I can print out the timetables for you to see and give you a glass of coke to prove my honesty and sincerity in my words. Please believe me, I am back at school.

3 weeks have passed ever since school started, wow, didn't know that time can pass THIS fast. I always thought that time would go slower when you are truly spending time, but this wasn't what I was looking forward to actually.

3 more weeks and it's already term test, then another 6 weeks and its the end of the semester, I have passed 1/4 of a term without really studying about anything at all. Sure I pick up new stuff here and there, but I don't seem to be doing things fast enough.

But these days, I feel like I'm seriously getting a lot more to do. Like my life is actually being filled up with activities that I can't even imagine myself doing, like staying back after school or going out to eat somewhere after reaching home.

Think back about it a few years, I don't think after a day at school anyone would be so bored as to call me up just to have dinner with me, sure if it includes going to my house and playing some games, but never just simply sitting down, eating and chatting.

Then comes the part about being in a dream community. The kind of community that I like is actually a concentrated one, like a little group of people with the same interests, in other words, the kind of bond that my class has.

I appreciate being inside my class, even though there are some disagreeable individuals here and there, yes disagreements do happen, we are human after all, and the most anyone can do and what I'm trying to do is to accept it.

I got into another community, made solely for Otakus. Taiko Otakus to be precise. The world of general Otakus is way too big for me to thrive in. That may be an exciting experience for some, meeting countless people with the slightly similar interests a you.

But not for me, what I prefer to do is to just have a small bunch of friends that are really close and concentrated, with the same interests or the same pasts. Just hanging out, having fun, be it using money or not. The feeling is amazing.

Every social circle I have, I try to expand, make an imact on, create recognition, and not too long after joining Taiko Dojo, I have already made a name for myself. Not that I'm proud of the name that they have given me.

I hope to continue surviving in this little community of dedicated players, along with the other small social circles where I don't have to remember too many people's names, too may people's faces, too many people's birthdays.

I guess I'm just not really all that socialable, though how much I seem like it, or at least I feel that I am. I just hope that I don't turn into someone hatable someday, complaining too much about things that are out of my reach, or blaming things that aren't even there.

Or perhaps this being named Ricky just simply wishes he can be done and over with this community he is currently in, and move on to another country, realizing his dreams and creating even greater dreams.

So what does it really mean to move on? Is it to leave your past friends behind and leave them to rot in the back of your brain? I think not. I think moving on really means not binding your partners down with your stupid pleas and whines.

I'm sure as hell that they don't really want to go, that they would not want to leave anyone behind, with a pitiful memory of leaving. Unless you guys are such bad friends, that they can really leave you behind without saying a word of regret.

But what is there to be done? It is all part and parcel of growing up, all part and parcel of working towards something you want to be when you grow up. Part and parcel of the cycle of human's dreams. It's unavoidable, so much so that it must not be broken.

Imagine a world where Ricky never played games, imagine a world where Ricky was actually a jock, with his naturally big body he plays Rugby, Soccer, Sepak Takraw, Badminton and Basketball to Youth National level.

Imagine Ricky that is well versed in talking, a Ricky that became a philosopher, a Ricky that talks sense into the stupid generation of humans he is living with today. A Ricky that changed the world, a Ricky that made a difference.

Imagine Ricky that was indecisive, unable to think what bright future he should uphold within his dreams, he loaf around, drinks, smokes, tries his best to make up his mind, but is carried too far away from a normal life that he just rots.

Imagine a Ricky that was not into anime, instead, he finds his life in music, in creating, playing, and composing music. Any kind of music, be it classical, metal, or rap. A Ricky that became famous as a composer, a Ricky that was a big deal.

Imagine Ricky becoming a teacher. Loving the land that he lived on so much, he imparted knowledge that he already bears into the minds of the younger generation, allowing them to proceed on in life, and making their choices as well.

Now imagine a Ricky that is just like him right now, what kind of future will he hold? What kind of legends will he write? What kind of music will be playing in the background? What style of clothing will he wear in the future?

Out of so many possibilities, there is only one thing that strikes out. That your future is bright, it's gleaming with possibilities, it's rustic, hybrid, dynamic, and just overflowing with possibilities. That is the future everyone dreamed of.

But why are there so many of the unemployed in the world if the future is really so bright? Why do people choose to pick up odd jobs when they grow up? Why are some people given less chance to shine rather than the others?

It simply depends on the actions that you take, the theory of cause and effect. If there was no cause in the first place, then there would be no effect taking place afterwards. Even if the cause is out of your reach, you should still embrace the effect.

Don't try to fight for your rights, because all you're doing is causing another chain to happen. Worsening the condition is a really bad move to pull when that's the only thing you can do. Instead of always looking for ways to destroy, how about think of ways to create?

Give in a little bit, be nicer to others, and perhaps, just perhaps, they might give back something to you in the future, be it a nice thing or not. Don't think that everything that you do is nice, because others may not feel the same way as you do.

Even if you're talking to someone you totally hate with your heart, just endure it, keep it all in, be matured enough to stomach everything that is given to you. That is the true way of leading your life. That, is the road to a bright future.

Job opportunities, realtionships, partnership deals. Anything may happen in this world. Just make sure you're the kind to actually bother about others. But you must know how to choose carefully. Choose the ones that won't disadvantage your karma.

I sound like I'm preachng already don't I? But that's the way I intend to live my life right now. Or at least, strive towards completing my life with such vigour. And guess what? I don't need a fricking religion to keep me in check, just my own willpower.

Gossip (話)

2009-04-29T03:33:00.003+08:00

Ah well, another productive night with Dr Pedoky. Not that it really means anything actually. Talking can get addictive after a while, especially when you find yourself really similar to another person, and is able to openly talk about it without the other getting seriasly pissed.

I guess Jon is a person I can really talk to openly, the other guys are nice, that's all I need to know. They're fun to hang around with, they're fun to be with, but when it comes to Jon, well. he just looks so emotional it's hard not to talk about something totally unrelated.

Aside from Dead Space though. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can get some hints off that game, it has quite plentiful design ideas. Includes things to make the game harder, or just simply things that makes you want to see Issac die a few times.

But back to the point, once again, this is a rant, not meant to offend anyone, just speaking out my mind, speaking out what I feel inside, those related might chance upon me saying bad things about them, but hey, everyone's entitled to do things like that right?

First of all I would like to say I hate people who compare, and that includes myself during the times in which I actually do it myself. But then again it's a part of human nature to compare and contrast, and with a straight heart as though it's the right thing to do.

Which can be simply be concluded as I totally hate humane actions as a whole. Which means I am a fucking hypocrite. But it does lead back to why I hate comparing. It's because it's natural to have differences between individuals.

God sure makes fun of us in a cruel way, if he exists. We are sarcastically made to call ourselves Individuals when the perfect world would consist of nothing but the same kind of flawless human beings.

Made to think we are special and that it is a good thing and yet the sad, sad truth is that nobody's right in this world, and that your views might be in disagreement with another "individual" who lives half a mile away from you.

The world really works in a funny way. Why do they bother comparing? And what gives them the right to laugh at those who are different? What makes you feel that you can look at people and rank them according to how nice they are?

What makes them think that they are actually the top in everyone's list in the first place? That only their say makes a difference? That they are actually, the truly desired, perfect human being? Even though you are not saying it out, LOOK AT YOURSELF.

You blatantly complain that someone's not nice to you, the first thing that comes to your mind is he or she's not a nice person. Why? Because you are the top of the food chain in your head isn't it? You can't have any faults or mistakes, everyone loves you.

The reason why someone isn't nice to you is because that person sucks isn't it? That that person doesn't like you because he feels different from you? That that person doesn't like you because he feels inferior to you? That's why he doesn't like you?

Isn't that true? No no no no no you may say, but imagine it in your head, if you don't think that way, why do you convince yourself that you are already nice to everyone? That everything you do is right and that everyone should follow what you say?

You will then say "I have my own say what, what makes you think my say doesn't matter?". Now that is an interesting question. Why doesn't it matter? Of course it matters, that's what the world is trying to say isn't it? That you matter?

Your vote matters. Why? Because they want to win the election, other than that, it doesn't really matter. Your opinion is taken into consideration. Why? Because they want to get into your good books, they want you to trust them more and more, thinking that they are listening.

Why bother so much? Well actually they don't because whatever anyone says, they still have a mind of their own, their own opinions, they can think for themselves, they don't need you to think for them, they can pretty damn well make decisions for themselves.

Yeah, sure, I suck, I suck more than certain other people don't I? But guess what? That doesn't change me from being the asshole I am today, Pei Fen, and guess what? Boris doesn't need you to tell him that I suck, he can decide for himself.

I'm pretty sure Boris is rather annoyed at me deep inside, because sometimes I do things that are wrong to him, I'm sure. But that's what's being friends is all about isn't it? Forgiving? Forgetting? Where did those go? Deep inside your egoistical mind?

I never said I was the perfect human being, neither did you. But what I didn't expect was that you actually stooped down to act like one, when I respected you enough to not treat you like such the faggot. You disappoint me.

Now I sound like the perfect human being right? The one who is judging everyone, giving them verdicts about how good they are as a human being? Well guess what, you sound exactly like this as well a few moments before. Thank you very much.

Annoyed? Pissed? Well then laugh it off, or rant about it, just like me.

And to Kah Meng, please note that I am still the type to get offended when my nationality is involved you fucktard, being a Singaporean does not entitle you to ask me to Fuck Off because I'm from a different country.

I am not being overly serious right here, neither am I trying to act cool. I am seriously pissed, and genuinely very very worried (with sincere eyes) that you might NOT get beaten up someday by some Indonesian Mafia. Thanks.

Abyss (始)

2009-04-28T02:26:00.002+08:00

Well so much for not playing any RPGs at all, after being done with Metal Gear Solid 2 and it's uber awesome and tiring-to-watch 30 odd minute cutscene, making the total ending cutscene amount up to about an hour and a half, I started Tales of the Abyss.

The reason that I started Tales of the Abyss was really simple : Character Design. I looked at Tear and totally fell in love with her, I like these kind of girls I guess, and if you noticed, she is somewhat similar to the others that I will actually fall in love with.

Say, Chihaya from Idolmaster. Similar traits includes long hair with unnatural colour, slightly tomboyish, and smaller eyes than those imba crazy huge moe lolita eyes. Another really good example would actually be Yuzuru from Maria + Holic, but Zuyi had taken her, ah well.

But character design aside, I chose The Abyss because of my experience with Tales series. If it doesn't contain a "2", it isn't related to any other stories. And therefore I am free to start on whichever Tales game that I see fit.

Since the polygon detail was levelled up from Tales of Legendia, I thought of giving this one a shot first. Furthermore, The Abyss' huge fanbase, the sheer thought of having an anime and a manga made for this game alone already gives it credibility.

So I started playing, with minimal knowledge of what is going to happen, as per usual. I mean, that's how you're supposed to tackle RPGs right? Without any knowledge? Then gaining them as you continue on along the way?

So, Luke von Fabre, frickishly handsome, shows some abs, gets into a little scuffle with Tear Grants, frickishly hot, hyperresonance, bringing both of them out of Luke's home and into enemy territory. Simple story at first, but enough to keep me going. Points for that.

Battle system introduced, and by the gods, was it the most fluid battle system Tales have ever given me, though the effects and as bright and dashing as that of Eternia, which really, really left an impression in my mind, this is really good.

The Abyss still retained their chain of attacks that was introduced in Eternia. Basic slashes will lead to Base Arte, then continuing with a Sacred Arte. Not too sure about the arte system in this game yet, don't have too many to experiment with so far.

But so far so good, battle system fluid, character motions speedy and less lethargic than that of Suikoden, but that's the case for most real time battle simulations anyway. Story still keep me going on as of now, that means it IS interesting.

Terminology is something that I hate when it comes to most RPGs. Most of them have such a wild and vast set of terminologies that it became hard to understand. It's something that I actually have to master by playing, and that means, no rushing.

So far all I know is that Fon means magic in their language, and that Fonists are basically Magicians, or Magic-users for those who are less literate. But then comes the terms Scorers, Rhytmists, and then comes the idea of Magic Knights.

Take Jade for example, he is the perfect epitome of a magic knight, which is cool, and what's even more cool is that in both the Tales games that I have played so far, no character had ever taken the role of magic knights, the mages and swordsmen are seperated with a huge-ass border.

Now that I have mentioned Jade, I go back to the point of the story, no, it's not exactly unique, in fact, it's quite the same as most of the other RPGs I have played. But what makes it so interesting is the cast of characters.

Luke is ignorant, Tear is ruthless, Jade is sarcastic, Anise is straightforwardly cute, Guy is... well.. the most interesting Guy in the whole game actually. He's gay, literally. How can a guy have phobia of girls so much so that he cowers when Tear tried to shake his hand?

In fact, if Tear were to shake MY hand, I wouldn't wash it for 3 days. Have I used this phrase before? Hmm... Somehow feels really nostalgic, like I said this to someone really close before... Someone like...

Nope, can't remember, in any case, Guy is gay, and that's pretty much all of it. I'm still pretty much looking forward to playing a game that actually got my attention with their cast with the first 6 hours of gameplay this much.

Well, maybe I'll catch some sleep for now, Bobo wants me to run in the morning.

Thia (健)

2009-04-24T23:48:00.002+08:00

Today was, surprisingly, eventful. While the previous week had always been fun and joy within our class, I think I did the most today rather than on the normal unproductive days. But still, it's still considered an unfruitful, since I did nothing but slack, really.

The whole week I was trying my best to keep up with the classes, I think classes are pretty much simpler this sem rather than last sem. Last sem was really too much of a rush and a faze for me. The amount of stress that piled up, too much for me to handle.

I can't say I'm a person who can soak up and suck up stress the best, but what I do know is that I'm already one of the better ones, one that can laugh it off while still laughing deep inside, unlike some who just bottles everything, and when he finally snaps, the world crashes.

Such is the tale that I heard today. From Sherman, Thia, an old friend of mine, and what happened to him the past few... Well, months? Years? I don't even know when I saw him last. The impression I get is that he is still muscular.

Thia was always a fun loving person, and he is a total devotee to his religion, which makes him easier to approach and harder to talk to, since there are certain touchy subjects which aren't meant to be brought up.

Overall nice guy, but what happens when his girlfriend falls into despair? Well of course suffer with her? But suffer for a total stranger? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that they are not already binded by the red string on their legs.

But what I mean is that they are still not together long enough yet. Which, technically, still makes them strangers, unlike those who have suffered thick and thin, maybe lived through several disasters together. Those are what truly binds two people.

That's why I say life is simplistic in nature, live life according to what your senses tell you to. Don't have to think so much, just live life the way it is meant to be lived, see something you like? Go for it, be selfish, don't care about the others that suffer.

Yep, truly a model example of a perfect human being. A perfect human being that is riddled with flaws, if you ask me. I'm not just talking about Thia, I'm talking about the society as a whole. Yes, the whole of our teenage generation.

Have you ever known someone well who truly loves their partner? Who truly can say that they can give up everything in their life just to stand by him/her? Who can really jump not on impulse when they break up, and not just give empty threats about it.

All these talk about people wanting to jump, it just reminds me of a certain person. A certain person whom I used to think was worth my time to trouble myself about, but turns out that him and his partner don't even deserve trash's time.

But anyway, as I was saying, Thia and his girlfriend, troubles abound, who suffers? Seriously. Look at it from another point of view. The girl is troubled and suffering, Thia, being her boyfriend, is also troubled and suffering.

But who truly suffers? From my point of view, it is Sherman, who stands by Thia's side, who consoles him, who teaches him what to do, who thinks of solutions for him when he's in a bind, who helps them through whatever they face.

Don't you get it? When you get into trouble, the one that truly suffers is not the victim, it's not the culprit, it is the bystander, who is forced to watch and suffer alongside them, when they don't even have the responsibility of doing so.

Yes, be the selfish one, get into trouble, call your friends down, they might smile at you and say "Hey, no problem man", or "I'm glad I could help". But look at it in another point of view, from the shoes of your friend.

Your friend just got beaten up for absolutely no fucking reason, all because you are the one who caused it. You got into trouble, your friend suffers with you, they might smile it off, saying it's all well, but think about it, does he really deserve to be beaten up?

You might act all guilty afterwards, but counting back your steps, why did you even bother calling him up in the first place? Why? Was it because you wanted to see him beaten up? I think not. It was more like because you wanted some help.

But why did you call him? So that he can fight alongside you? Was it so that he can suffer with you? Just because he's your friend, he MUST suffer alongside you? He MUST suffer the same pain you feel? He MUST get beaten up?

There's really no reasoning to why you called your friend, you were trying to save your own hide, but you ended up bringing your friend down, isn't it? You ended up becoming a burden to him, yo end up lowering yourself to the filth of humanity.

What irony, helping others might seem like such a godly deed now. To those that is reading this, and is nodding at yourself, convinced that you have always been the one helping your friends. Wake your fucking idea, were you really the ones who helped?

I know, that for one, I was not a person who helped, I was the person who sabotaged, I was the person pulled down by beautiful words like friendship and love, like courage and determination. But reality doesn't make it seem so.

Seems like I was one hell of a messed up fag.

Bandana (無)

2009-04-20T00:27:00.002+08:00

Fuck
ing
Gen
ius.

Seriously, I can't say anything else about Kojima when it comes to toilet humor, or just practically anything else for that matter. Making a game look serious and intense for the first 4/5, then turning up the "Comedy" volume bar all of a sudden at the end.

He has just so many ideas, so many unexplored avenues that he, being one of the many game creators, has solely explored. Putting humor aside, I think he really planned a lot on all the Metal Gear's storylines.

Though it might get lengthy if you're not the kind that like to watch AMVs (that's why I always keep chips nearby), I think the story is worth a shot in understanding. No matter how lengthy an AMV, if it's Kojima, it's bound to be good.

I realized that Kojima likes to use the government and power-control as the main themes of his games. So far I have played 2 of his series, namely MGS and ZoE, and both of them has this similar feel that makes it distinctly "Kojima-ish".

I think it's his style in potraying the fight against someone not exactly evil, but more of intoxicated with power. Or that they are also fighting for what they believe is right. What they feel should have ben given to them.

The tragic past behind a boss makes it all the more worth fighting him, don't you think? The more good the personality of a boss, the more awesome the fight is going to turn out. Look at Vamp, he's so damn fucking awesome.

How about Nohman? Well he isn't exactly the desired last boss when it comes to being good, but he sure has some back story going around him. Rebelling, betraying, backstabbing. Everything within him makes you want to kill him.

But what is it that makes him so strong? So unique? I guess it would be the intense hate you feel for him, by putting yourself in your own character's shoes, you will feel for them, and that is exactly how you want your players to feel.

You want your players to feel like they are the main character, that is the utmost highest level of a role playing game. By portraying such a good characteristic for the main character, you might not attract everyone to want to be the main character.

But by mixing events that put him in a dillema, by showing that though he is strong, he has a weak side, that he is after all, human, that he has a dark past which made him what he is today, by allowing characters to feel for him, the developer has succeeded.

I ended up wanting to feel like Raiden, no matter how gay he looks when he is naked, no matter how stupid I feel Rosemary is for liking a wuss like him, no matter how stupid Snake is for relying on him (oh come on, Snake is 89136417820x more awesome)

By showing his heroic bravery that allowed him to save Emma, him fighting against his fears and facing off against Vamp, and getting the one clear shot that actually was supposed to hit Queen. He has surpased the normal levels of a main character.

I guess it's also a tactic, to make such good sub-characters that act as enemies to make the player like the Main Character more and more. Oh, and the name Pliskin sounds really, really funny. I wonder what did Snake smoke to think up of that.

This brought me to the main point of the whole post: The bandana of Infinite Ammo. Seriously Kojima, what were you smoking to think up of this? You actually used your own joke inside your game, and you excecuted it so damn well it's almost scary.

Snake : "If you ever run out of ammo, take mine"
Raiden : "Will you have enough?"
Snake : "Of course, don't worry"
Snake : "Infinite ammo" *points to headband*

Rawr (喜)

2009-04-15T18:56:00.002+08:00

Nothing much actually, other than getting a few blisters here and there from overplaying Taiko. I guess I can only enjoy these boring days only for a little while more. School term is starting soon, time to get busy again.

Went for semester briefing yesterday. Got woken up by Joanne who thought the briefing was at 10am. Seriously, go check your email please. I didn't check my email and I knew it was at 2 odd, why? Because Jeremy's msn says so.

Before going for the briefing, CM called for lunch and we had one. Feels pretty good to go back to school again. While I'm the kind to enjoy boring days with absolutely nothing to do, I can do with a little activity here and there.

Going back to school somehow feels nostalgic when you have not been doing so for 2 months. It felt really long since I have had anything proper to do, and for some reason, my heart didn't want this to change.

Why? Isn't change good? Isn't change something that people look forward to? Isn't doing something new fun and exciting? The answer is of course, yes. Who doesn't find doing new things fun and exciting? Well, maybe everyone except Ricky.

But even Ricky finds new things fun and exciting, just add a "scary" behind that sentence, and that's really how I feel about trying out new things. I find it fun, I find it exciting, yet I find it scary at the same time.

Why scary? Well think about it this way. That thing that you're gonna try out, it's new, so if there are people watching, they will know that you're a starter at it, be it anything at all. That's what gives them a bad impression if you screw it up.

Think dating. If it's the first time you're dating, don't you find it scary? You will stumble, you will choke, you will be afraid to do what you usually do. Why? Because you don't have experience, and faking it just doesn't cut it.

Think playing a new game. Of course you will suck, and people might say "Oh, you're a newbie at this game." and perhaps laugh it off, maybe give you a pointer or two. But that's it isn't it? You suck at playing that game. You showed someone that you don't have experience.

Maybe I'm self centered, but I really don't like to show my weakness to anyone. If the people close to me have noticed, the only games that I play are games that I can train in, or games that I can't lose to another person in. As in, no PvP.

RPGs, for one, are my forte, why? Because there is no one that can say "You suck at this game". Maybe it's scars from young, I don't know, haven't got the tendancy to remember bad stuffs anyway.

Not remembering bad stuffs is my strength, and that's why I can always keep a smile on.

幸せの笑顔

Awesometon (級)

2009-04-13T22:22:00.002+08:00

Amazing, what is amazing? It's amazing that I came back from my long break in Indonesia with the obsessive, definite lack of a Taiko Drum Machine and I end up becoming better than what I used to be. Meaning I passed 伝説の祭り

Not just that, 風雲！！バチお先生 as well. Alongside my all-time favorite song 残酷な天使のテーぜ hailing from dear Evangelion which I have yet to watch. My only dillema is why can't I pass my IDOLM@STER songs.

But it surprised me that they included alternate costumes for the IDOLM@STER girls in the Single Player mode, they had their original Pink costumes, then they have their Santa clothes and surprisingly Miki is on stage!

But she's not my favorite, seriously, I don't really like her actually. She is like, the epitome of the definition of "Slut". Come on, pretty eyes, blonde long sexy hair, and an awesome body, and the most bondage looking costumes of all time.

No wonder she's the target of plenty of otakus out there.

I still love my Chihaya the best.

I need to play more IDOLM@STER songs.

Now.

Weird (變)

2009-04-07T13:11:00.002+08:00

Well all I can say is, Japan, no matter how nice and how awesome the place seems to be in my imagination, has a bad side to it. That bad side just happens to be REALLY bad. And by really bad I mean I'm-literally-getting-mindfucked kind of bad.

Why am I getting mindfucked? Well, it's mostly due to the overemphasis of "Japan is my dream home" set up by stupid Trivias in Facebook that I have been doing, they get passed around, and me, being the little bored Ricky, will do it.

In my mind, I thought it was a perfect dreamland, even more so when I looked through Rosanne's Japan pics, and also when I watch some Japanese concerts and so on, they all look so awesome, it really looks like a perfect dreamland.

Then comes the people, sure some may be grumpy and bad, and especially cunning around foreigners, but when you look at those J-dramas and J-varieties, everything just disappears, everything is fine, in fact, I mean, have you really ever seen a perfect society before?

Then comes the disappointment, firstly, the girly guys there. Sure they are the leaders in this trend, about creating girly guys that even the girls would fall in love with. Reading through Siew's blog really made me think twice about going to Japan.

Which brings me back to one of the pictures in Rosanne's blog, a really really good looking Suzaku cosplayer, then she broke down lamenting that it was a girl, I lawled. Girls looking good in guy clothing, hell, I've seen plenty of that!

But when it's the other way around, I think I'm not so used to looking at it. Might make me wonder if the girl I'm dating is just another girly guy that is gay (omg that's 3 g words at one go, the G-man is gonna rape me! HALF LIFE PARADOXESSSS)

Anyway, the other thing that made me wonder is their really weird tenacities. Well, when I heard about the prostitute who was forced to recite mathematical equations while intercourse already made me bawl out laughing like crazy, because I thought that was hella weird.

Apparently I haven't searched for Rule 34 yet. And that was when I really saw the weird of all weirds. The worst part was that I was searching for pictures of how Rule 34 might come about, shame on you Google Search. And I already filtered if you're wondering.

Rule 34 states that "Any object or subject that can be concieved, the Internet is bound to have porn of it." While Rule 34a states that "Any object other than Rule 34 itself applies to Rule 34." In fact, I pretty much agree with this statement, the Internet is really a hugeass community.

But I didnt expect invertibrate porn.... And by invertibrate I mean REAL LIFE OCTOPUS TENTACLE SEX. I was shocked like never ever shocked before evurrrr!!!!!!111 zomfg the image!! Get it out of my head!! Seriously.

Whilst facepalming, I couldn't bear to think about what other tenancities does these crazed, sex-starved Japanese Porn Industry will be able to think up of the next time they get a new trend. I mean, sure it might be interesting but hell I was sorely disgusted.

That was it, that destroyed my dream of a perfect country. Now all I can do is play some really good Japanese music (mihimaru GT - Squall) and hopefully I can get the image out of my head. Not just the image actually, the whole ideology is more like it.

On a lighter note, I got some really good RPGs to play, Mana Khemia looks interesting enough with the sole reason they have Flonne-level lolis and it's made by NIS, but what I'm currently really playing after Zone of the Enders 2 is Kingdom Hearts re:Chain of Memories.

re:Chain of Memories is a simple remake of Square x Disney's Gameboy Advance game Kingdom Hearts : Chain of Memories. I think they had the same fighting system, just made into 3d and is a hell lot more confusing rather than the screen capture video I saw.

But then again, it's Kingdom Hearts, so it's worth a shot. I mean, the previous 3 games that I played (KH, KH2, KH2:FM+) are good as hell. Well, except for some really horrid voice acting, but then English dubs mostly suck anyway.

So starts Sora's journey in Castle Oblivion, and also the prequel to KH2 which will also resolve why Jiminy's Journal only had "Thank Namine" written inside it during the intro to KH2. While the story for KH1 was a lot better, KH2 had a more superior, fluid fighting style.

Too bad re:CoM had their own card fighting style, which is interesting and tactical, but might get weary after a while. Since you have to think a lot for the battles. On the other hand, if you just spam attack cards, you might end up winning instead.

See here, there are a few things to take note of, each attack will take up a card, just like playing magic cards in Yu-Gi-Oh. Attacking will take up that card, and combinations will take up even more cards.

There are limitations on how many times a card can be reloaded, and thus people have to take note. Also, combinations will take up the first card that you combine, example if you use 3 kingdom key cards, the 1st one won't be reloaded the next time you reload.

The more you reload, the less cards you'll end up fighting with, so it's up to you to spam small cost, weak cards and end up having a lengthy battle, or spamming big attacks (like me) and ending the battles faster.

Overall, it's an interesting way of fighting, using these cards, that is. But the disadvantage of re:CoM is that the camera angles are too narrow. In the Gameboy version, you are able to see the whole map at once without having to focus in front of you.

Which means picking up Friend Cards are easier, since it may spawn anywhere in the map. The only other alternative of getting friend cards fast is to spam Sonic Dash, but then again, you'll lose cards plenty fast this way.

Besides, Blizzaga is the strongest spell you can ask for in normal battles anyway. One cast and pretty much the whole map is wiped out. Just be careful, aim properly, and there you go, a bunch of enemies dead.

Fire Strike Raid is awesome =D But it's kind of Naruto-ish. Adding an element to their original skills. Makes me feel rather cheated. Like I'm paying for a 40 dollar meal that only consist of a cake and an uber delicious pie.

Maybe I'll play Metal Gear Solid first instead...

Messanger (聯)

2009-04-03T19:44:00.003+08:00

With MSN being a dick, I have to resort to using Facebook to communicate to others, if not, I will end up a lifeless fucktard that can only talk to himelf t fill up time, and perhaps breed mosquitoes that my father retardedly let in the TV room and is now feeding off my leg blood.

Seriouly, he installed an output fan right behind the TV room and he still opens the door, wise as hell, allowing mosquitoes to come in and prey on Ricky. I'm not sure why, but usually the TV room and the bedroom gets a hell lot of mosquitoes, maybe it's my dad's friends.

Speaking of which, I hate them like hell. Seriously fucking hate them like hell. They come to my house, take up my TV room playing mah jong and gambling their lives away, and they dare say that I play games all day, huh? Seriously what the fuck.

I'm okay with it if they're still working and they say that I play games all day. But they come to my house, every other fucking day, to gamble with my dad's laptops, and they still dare say that I play too much? What else do they fucking want me to do!?

In fact, what ELSE can I do when he's at home catering to them? Go out? Without money and knowing my mum, she will start squeaking when I ask for money? Then she gets bored while I browse for games? Go out, get a hooker, and get laid for the night?

Pick up smoking? Go to my cousin's house and play HIS PS2 instead? Go to Grandma's house and have ABSOLUTELY not have anything in common to talk about? GO down and talk to mum and end up making myself angry because we can't really communicate?

Then get slapped down every time I open my mouth because they feel whatever that they are saying is more important than what I am about to say? How the fuck do they even think I can have the guts to ask my mum to take me out?

With my dad always asking for food every 6 hours, and his friend's stupid whims, thinking this is some kind of joint for them to hang out and gamble for fucking free. At least call for the maid your-fucking-self, dad, I'm not your fucking servant.

Or maybe he's trying to chase me out of the house, yes, that's it. He must be doing that because he's sick at looking at me studying about games while I should be out there studying accounting and business and how to fucking get laid.

Or maybe all he wants me to do is just go out and get a decent girlfriend so I won't be so damn bored at home. Within the span of two weeks, without any friends to intro, get a girlfriend, socialize, get new best friends, randomly, off the street.

REALLY CLEVER DAD. You know fucking well that I am sick and tired of having no one to talk to, and yet you still ask me to hold YOUR phone, with YOUR friends, calling in to YOUR number, when I am oh-so-totally-used to using it since I have held it for 1 hour.

Then he complains about my irregular sleeping time. Hello, I am a nice kid, I don't want to bug down your internet while you are there ONLINE GAMBLING with your friends, because I can barely get to read any manga anyway, so I go play the PS2.

So only when you get the fuck out of the TV room do I get to read any manga, and now you complain that I sleep at 1+ when you only get out of the room at 12!? Not to mention, you do some personal gambling yourself, using TWO computers.

Which means double streaming. Yes, it affects me, a hell lot. It slows everything down, and renders me unable to do anything but SULK and WHINE and go CRAZY at the littlest thing that can ever happen to me. Like mum trying to teach me her "Ways of Life".

Great, a preacher, this is why I don't likemy mum in the first place anyway. She doesn't just NAG, she PREACHES. Her words leads to me believing that she will not get bored when she takes me out, the same way I'm not supposed to get bored when she takes me out.

Seriously, REFLEXOLOGY!? Don't you already know that I hate massage parlors because of the trauma you gave me when I was young, in the effort of curing my SINUS which you said NEVER EXISTED. The where the hell am i getting all these mucus from!? HELL!?

Now you put me through 2 hours of pain just so that I can sleep better at night? What bullshit! In fact, after getting that massage, I've been having more troubles getting tired rather than sleeping better!

Seriously, sometimes I wish I should can just accept it all, then write it off as bad debts, the same way my face shows it.

Hometown (際)

2009-03-31T11:57:00.002+08:00

Going back to my hometown, I was truly amazed at my country's simplicity, and how the place never changes, unlike Singapore, where new buildings crawl up to the sky every now and then, always offering new malls to visit, new malls which I will never visit.

Unless, of course, the mall is Tampines ONE, and it has a Zone X inside, which makes it worth my while rather than taking a bus down to Downtown East every other day to play Taiko and Jubeat. While it is a very good reason for me to dress up and head out of home.

The bus fare isn't exactly very friendly, neither is the MRT fare, or even the toll of stamina I have to fork out everytime I walk back home from Downtown, if excercising is healthy, this is a little too much excercise for my little legs.

Let's hope that Tampines ONE does have a Zone X which I can attend to regularly.

On a lighter note, I am still stuck in my hometown, getting dragged around by parents with the reasoning "They are my parents, I should follow them". Yes this is Filial Piety, yes this is what you call Obeying Your Parents, and yes I am grateful they bore me.

But dragging me around town, not listening to what I even say, talking amongst themselves without me actually having a say, because butting in is just rude, are they even treating me like a human? Don't talk about respect, talk about human.

I mean, sure if they don't respect me, duh, I retained in a year that my sisters passed in, gone into a school which is considered degratory and without a future job that I can have, with little links that can actually relate to them.

They can't understand me, soI understand why they can't respect me, but to go as far as not treating me like a human? I wanted to stay somewhere a little longer, I can't, because they have other things to do, because they have other stuff to handle.

THEN WHY BOTHER BRINGING ME ALONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!?

So that I can spend 15 minutes picking a pair of slippers that I like? Then head home right away? So that I can tag around, go to toilet, walk a bit, stone a bit, look at some shops without buying anything, then head home?

So that they can ignore me while in the car? Ignore all my comments, even though what I am saying MAY be relevant to whatever they are doing? Then why not just throw me at home, let me do my stuff while not wasting each other's time?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not really welcome in this country, after being out for so damn long, it does get rather hard to communicate with my cousins and such, it's hard to get into the same frequency, simply because I am not up to date with the current affairs.

Then comes my hair, yes, cut it away, make me look like a retarded punk, make me look like some fucktard walking on the street. You may have good intentions, but I don't think that's how I'm interpreting it, or anyone else in my age group.

Clears up my face, yeah, it sure did, my face feels uber clean right now. Shows my forehead, more luck, oh come on, don't bombard me with your stupid superstitions again, might as well ask me to release 5 birds everytime I walk out of the house.

Sigh, parents and children, the generation gap problem that will never get solved, even after the world ends.

Madness (激)

2009-03-25T00:35:00.002+08:00

Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.
Throw away the old Ricky, bring in a new one.

Starting to hate myself for reasons I can't even make out

Subs (蒼)

2009-03-19T07:57:00.002+08:00

Seriously, I will never understand Otakus online, especially Schnizel from gg-subs. Fansubbing used to be a community where people fansub titles which they LIKE. Why do they even bother fansubbing something that they don't like everytime, then ragequits haflway?

Then they can go around bitching about stuff which doesnt make sense like Haruhi and say it rocks, what gives? You don't like stuff with proper storylines? You don't like stuff where their main character actually has a say while being bullied?

I understand that most people have differentiated opinions around the world, hell, the person next to me might even disagree with me on certain things, but with the impressively low amount of quality animes out there, one which can make you laugh should be good enough.

Why bother going down to the details and saying that a show is stupid when it makes you laugh every week? Sure there may only be 5 minutes of lol every week, but out of 18 minutes, 5 minutes seem plenty doesn't it?

It's almost painful to watch them bitch about stuff sometimes, because their rate of bitch is on a level way below my understanding, and that, is so low, that I may have to bitch about them back like this to fully understand what they mean.

Fuck them Gurren Lagann haters

People (種)

2009-03-17T04:12:00.002+08:00

I guess there is an up for everything that I ever do in life, I don't consider myself a love doctor, neither do I consider myself the best practitioner of making love potions, or do i even consider myself to be the best listener amongst all my friends.

In fact, I suck at listening, I suck at it so bad that every time I'm listening halfway, I always want to force myself to give a comment or two, destroy the mood of a tragic love story between a really beautiful girl (which never existed in Singapore) and some random hunk.

So now I ask myself, why do I throw those comments in? Why do I always try to ruin the mood, ruin the feeling that used to be present, that was still there until I ruined the feel of it all? I searched within me and found a few answers.

I'll start with the least probable of the bunch: Because I'm jealous of the mood and wants myself to be the star of the story like the little braggart and attention seeking bitch that I always were and will forever be.

While being somewhat true, I don't think it's the main reason. Why? Well, try living amongst friends of the same age and seeing them cut themselves up over and over due to one really simple subject: The Opposite Sex.

Looking to love a person but isn't able to open their mouths. Gotten close to that person and they treat you like their best friend instead of a potential lover. Seeing that desired subject go off with another person. Broke up with a lover and could not get over it.

Why bother? There are so many damn instances to breaking your own fragile and weak heart over something so damn trivial like a relationship? It comes, and then it goes, doesn't everything? Life is just a fleeting memory anyway, just make the most of it NOT crying.

The second Option that I found within me: Because I like a certain person and want to ruin the mood because I still want that person and perhaps get them and following Lewis' theory, "got boyfriend can break, got husband can divorce".

Still partly true, yes, I do like certain people, and I do like the opposite sex more than mine own, I'm still sane in that retrospect, unlike the other parts of Ricky, which is totally off the rocks, and should die in a fire lit by someone he loves because it's more psychotic that way.

But then again, I find myself feeling the emptiness that lies in writing that sentence. I treat everyone equally anyway, unless, of course, you're of the opposite gender, which would mean I can't randomly sling my arm over your neck of punch you in the stomach.

Heh, thinking about it, maybe if I actually did that, I would have lost both my arms to the federal police by now, and have probably been caned 16 times on my ass for forced assault on females per charge. Either that or I would have gotten a girlfriend by now.

I can't get along with girls well, generally. Unless you're like, really close to me, like my sister or my mother. I mean, hello, I can't even talk to my cousin well. She sort of like, refuses to make eye contact with me for some reason. I feel annoyed sometimes when trying to converse.

Maybe it's my otaku nature, but I am, honestly, selfish. I want everyone (of the opposite gender, just to make sure I don't sound gay) to be my own, and no one should take them away from me, no matter what the reason being is.

I guess it's just part of me that sees all girls as something to be treasured, maybe that's why I see most of them as my little sisters or my daughters, letting them go will be... a waste. Something inside might die sooner or later, not being able to care over them.

I guess you can call me obsessive, but I also guess that's the way I am born, I am raised. Having a life where everything was provided for you, then all of a sudden having most of it taken away, brought to a foreign land, fending for myself.

That way, I generally want to care more about the people around me, no matter who they are. So once again, though valid, I don't think this is the specific reason why I am so bent over to destroying a good mood and image of romance.

Last, and possibly the most Ricky reason that I can find within myself: Because I can't stand romance for Christ's sake why the hell do people even fall in love just to torture themselves like this an why is everyone getting so dreamy because of romance.

Perhaps it's due to the severe amount of shock that I received during Secondary 3, when everything seemed to zoom past you and everything that was good suddenly turned stale and you just wanted to do something new.

Maybe that's the reason I picked up being a fan of car tuning with Benedict last time, not because I really genuinely had an interest in cars, or because I wanted to become close friends with Benedict because he rocks, but because I wanted something new.

Maybe my reason for trying out confessing to a girl, my reason for picking up all sorts of games, shooters, massively multiplayer online, adventure, role playing, fighting, rhythm. I try everything new because I was simply bored.

But when that new thing coms back at you saying that you have chosen the wrong thing to learn to do, it just hurts. Hurts so bad that it still somewhat stings, even though there wasn't much effort put in, it's still effort right?

But the fact that it still stings means I'm still regretting over the lost time and effort. And only perhaps because it burns this much am I so demented over trying out everything new right now, perhaps that is the reason why I block romance out so much.

Because it still seems pretty fresh to me. Because though I can't give a damn about it, the idea of trying anything new just gets to me. The feeling of doing something extra, the feeling of going the extra mile even though I'm supposed to do so.

Just somehow... disgusts me. Even up to this moment.

But life, being life, never fails to give you anything new, right?

Any moment now...

Voice (音)

2009-03-13T04:29:00.002+08:00

Another one of the human species' mysterious behaviours, chanting words that link up in a sentence and creating melodies out of it. Though it is a weird habit, and it's a weird logic because there is actually no reason for it to be enjoyable, it somehow is.

While listening to many different types of songs, I realized one thing about myself: I like things that I don't understand better. Maybe it's the feeling of freshness, the feeling of wanting to know. The thirst for knowledge that I have missed ever since i lost it when I was young.

Or maybe it's just like what CM said. Songs are better when you don't understand them because you can truly appreciate how well the song goes with the melody. The music, the notes, the beat the movement, the flow of the music.

Because by not understanding the words, we cannot assume if a song is romantic, if a song is meant to be for fighting, if a song is meant to be sad, if a song is meant to be happy, or if a song is emo. We need to listen to the way the song is sung, or the music is played.

Or both, simply the harmony alone. How well do they go along with each other, how much they contradict each other. This is perhaps the reason why I like Pop and Rock the best, because there is simply too little emotions in other songs.

Take Trance for an example, all you hear is the beat of the song, all you ever hear is the loud thumping of the heart, never caring if the body is able to keep up with it. Perhaps my weak soul cannot catch up with this continuous rage.

All I know is I get turned away from such music, it is simply too hard for me to understand. The loud heartbeats, the coarse voice, and worse still, the lyrics that are devoid of meaning and of passion.

They say that Rap and Trance are the two best ways of expressing yourself, I care to digress, or at least some other types of songs have done the opposite thing. By bringing meaning and value to their Pop and Rock.

Using the same melodies over and over again, just changing the lyrics to make them sound nicer, changing melodies, but keeping the beat constant and repetitive, is the beauty of making music. Perhaps only BUMP OF CHICKEN have done it so well all these while.

No matter how creative the human brain is, there is a limit to the number of combinations of a melody, with only 7 notes to play, and perhaps 6 differenty types of playable pitches, the nice sounding ones are bound to finish someday.

Then people will get sued for copyright over nice-sounding melodies. Over a small little item such as grasping the right melody, the right tune, the right melody for the ear. I don't think people should fight for it, but I can feel that they will, if given the idea, someday.

That's the way humans are made to evolve, to envy others higher than them, to strive to be better than the ones higher than them, perhaps this evoltuion will allow us to surpass what we already have, like creating a source of energy within ourselves.

But it may also lead us down the path of destruction. Whatever, it is probably my duty to walk the humans down the path whichever they choose to take anyway. Or at least, see to it that I guide myself, as a human, during the short life that I have.

But thinking back, during my quest of never ending pursuit of knowledge, I have realized that music does affect one's feelings as a human. Whilst playing an intense game that requires plenty of concentration like Warcraft, outer music helps calm me down.

So much so that I may be more engrossed in the music than my own game. I may not want to acknowledge this, but it is definitely bringing harm to my performance in game. Not that many actually cares about my performance anyway.

Calming one's tenses, fulfilling one's desires, perhaps there comes a song so strong next time in a human's life, that all sexual needs are fulfilled by just listening to it. Maybe that will bring down the rate of the sex-deprived in the world.

Maybe there comes a song so intense, that it calms and fulfills one's desire for destruction. This will definitely reduce the amounts of tension humans face every day. There comes a song so beautiful, that people's never-ending quest for beauty have been fulfilled.

All these, if they really do come with passing time, may or may not be good. Perhaps it can bring the exact opposite result to different people, since people take things that approach them differently. Like how some can only sex with rape music behind.

Or children turning violent by listening to iolent songs too much, people turning emotional because they listen to too many songs that include love and break-ups, people turning vain when they listen to songs with praises of their own gender or being.

I can only take music one way: To fulfill my needs as of that moment, and to block out all other desires that may interfere. My desire to fight, my desire to flare up, my desire to scold, my desire to do anything crazy, just drown them in your song.

Perhaps that is why I work best in front of my computer, when there is a real source of music coming from the speakers. When I'm able to think the clearest, when I'm able to feel the best, when I'm able to be myself the most.

Divulge upon your desires, for it be the rawest feelings you may hath

Solo (闢)

2009-03-07T02:45:00.003+08:00

While being totally freaked out about what's gonna happen tomorrow, I can't get the feeling of the caffeine intake I have been having these few days away from me, still unable to sleep, and had a light dinner of Cup Walker and a burger, I am truly suffering for fun.

I wonder why I'm so concerned about my looks these days, I'm scared that I don't look normal, scared that I'm outcasted, scared that I'm out of the clique because of the way I look, I behave, I act, I move, or even the most basic things in life like laughing or crying.

Or maybe its due to my photos, me and Leonard agreed on one thing. Pictures of me when I don't show my face looks good. I look totally normal when my back is turned to face the camera. Other than that, I just look akward.

Speaking of akward, today was pretty akward, I mean, going out cycling with a bunch of friends that include your ex-girlfriend? I think that's plenty akward. She sure looks okay now, as in, her life must really be going well for her.

Hopefully it's the same for me. Or at least that's how I feel about my life so far, it's been mundane, but mundane's good, I don't need too much excitement in my life to keep it simple and continuous, just another cycle of death and rebirth.

Why am I talking about rebirth when I already don't believe in reincarnation anyway. I'm such a mindfuck. Mindfucking myself have to be one of the biggest bad habits that I have, such as reminding myself that Jerry wants us to have a girlfriend by tomorrow.

Oh sh-

Just when I forgot about it... Now I feel like I'm screwed. Seriously speaking, I don't feel like naming anyone except for Lewis or Zuyi, since Boris already has a girlfriend and is living happily in neverland right now, heheh.

Hmm, what should I type about? Which girl to go after? Nah, I think too much to be thinking about that. What actually came to mind was the human desire about relationships. The real question is: is it really important?

Think about it in one way, a person comes to a foreign land bearing no money but his own, he sets up shop, works hard, and gets rich alone. Why waste his hard-earned money on a relationship? Why give back what your sweat gave you?

Some say to de-stress, some say to keep their mind away from suicide. Others might say it's just healthy to have a social life, instead of keeping to yourself all the time. But looking back, didn't the foreigner start out alone? Weren't he just fine that way?

I guess everyone will have their own ways of de-stress. For me, I would just sleep my way out or play some games. Like now.

Girlfriend (馬)

2009-03-05T04:22:00.003+08:00

Hey DJ　カマせ　yeah×3　気分上々↑↑の
Hey DJ kamase (C’mon say’?') yeah×3 kibun joujou no
針落とせ　音鳴らせ　パーリナイ
hariottose otonarase paarinai (party night)
飲もう　ライ×3　みんなで踊れ!
nomou rai×3 minna de odore!
Hip-Pop　ピーポー　かけてよミラクルNumber
Hip-Pop piipoo kaketeyo mirakuru (miracle) Number

Yo!こんな時代に分かち合うMUSIC
Yo! konna jidai ni wakachiau MUSIC
探したくて回す地球儀
sagashitakute mawasu chikyuugi
グラつく不安定生活　それだからバランス重視
guratsuku fuantei seikatsu sore dakara baransu (balance) juushi
良いことばかりじゃないから「頑張れる!」
ii koto bakari janai kara ‘ganbareru!’
最悪な日にキック
saiaku na hi ni kikku (kick)
再起動のボタン　クリック!
saikidou no botan (button) kurikku (click)
DJかけて!!　今　TRIP
DJ kakete!! ima TRIP

シャレてるビートに乗って　感じる体揺らそうよ
shareteru biito ni notte ganjiru karada yura souyo

Hey DJ　カマせ　yeah×3　気分上々↑↑の
Hey DJ kamase yeah×3 kibun joujou no
針落とせ　音鳴らせ　パーリナイ
hariottose otonarase paarinai
飲もう　ライ×3　みんなで踊れ!
nomou rai×3 minna de odore!
Hip-Pop　ピーポー　かけてよミラクルNumber
Hip-Pop piipoo kaketeyo mirakuru Number

Hip Hop, R&B, Pops Techno, House, Rock…
Hip Hop, R&B, Pops Techno, House, Rock…
Hip Pop!!
Hip Pop!!
オリジナル探すキーポイント
orijinaru (original) sagasu kiipointo (key point)
それぞれの色重ね合わすレインボー
sorezore no iro kasaneawasu reinboo (rainbow)
君に聞かせたいが為　苦しむあげくの果て
kimi ni kikasetai ga tame kurushimu ageku no hate
十字固め
juuji katame
今を楽しみたいんだね
ima o tanoshimi taindane
Let’s Hip Pop!! Here we, Here we Go!!
Let’s Hip Pop!! Here we, Here we Go!!

はしゃぐフロアの上　頭ん中　ゆさゆさぶる
hashagu furoa (floor) no ue ataman naka yusayusa buru

Hey DJ　シャシャれ　yeah×3　気分上々↑↑の
Hey DJ shashare yeah×3 kibun joujou no
波に乗って　弾け飛べ　ファンキーナイ
nami ni notte hajiketobe fankiinai (funky night)
飲もう　ライ×3　みんなで踊れ!
nomou rai×3 minna de odore!
Hip-Pop　ピーポー　朝までミラクルNumber
Hip-Pop piipoo asa made mirakuru Number

ミラーボール　スモークのにおい
miraabooru (mirror ball) sumooku (smoke) no nioi
溶けるようなハーモニー
tokeru you na haamonii (harmony)
身にまとって踊り明かす　がむしゃらなままで
mi ni matotte odoriakasu gamushara na mama de

Hey DJ　カマせ　yeah×3　気分上々↑↑の
Hey DJ kamase (C’mon say’?') yeah×3 kibun joujou no
針落とせ　音鳴らせ　パーリナイ
hariottose otonarase paarinai (party night)
飲もう　ライ×3　みんなで踊れ!
nomou rai×3 minna de odore!
Hip-Pop　ピーポー　かけてよミラクルNumber
Hip-Pop piipoo kaketeyo mirakuru (miracle) Number

Hey DJ　シャシャれ　yeah×3　気分上々↑↑の
Hey DJ shashare yeah×3 kibun joujou no
波に乗って　弾け飛べ　ファンキーナイ
nami ni notte hajiketobe fankiinai (funky night)
飲もう　ライ×3　みんなで踊れ!
nomou rai×3 minna de odore!
Hip-Pop　ピーポー　朝までミラクルNumber
Hip-Pop piipoo asa made mirakuru Number

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I just wanted to put that in to make myself look like another normal blog, writing about their favorite songs and what they do for the day and stuff like that. But it's hard to keep Ricky's posts short, so let's spam some more.

Been listening to a lot of FUNKY MONKEY BABYS and mihimaru GT lately. Maybe that's what brought my mood up from being totally bored to death in the middle of the night like this. Losing sleep is not really an option for a healthy lifestyle.

Speaking of which, I never wrote about my need to get a girlfriend to bluff Jerry to not pair me up with a random girl from comic class. which are just equally horribad as pairing me up with Boris. Hell, I think I'll prefer Boris to them.

Or maybe that's what I'll do, I'll tell him my girlfriend is Boris instead. Then maybe he'll shrug off in bugging us about not having girlfriends. and let me have my quality time with bobo instead. Not that I don't really have anything to say about it though.

I mean, I'm still straight, or at least I think I am. At least that's one mystery that is yet to be solved : "Ricky's gender issues about him being gay or not, and actually C203's gender issues included, batteries sold seperately". Maybe we should make it one of GET's 7 mysteries.

Speaking of which, while playing Maple for a bit just now, something came to my mind. It was a thought of how much people respect each other. If you look at it one way, respecting someone who respects you have always been a policy of mine.

Take for an example, someone respects you, they like you, they treat you as an equal, that's basic courtesy, and you naturally want to treat them nicely as well, equally as nice as how much they treat you, and if possible, nicer than how they treat you.

That's how I live my life, or at least that's how I think I live my life. If I see another as an equal or more, I shower them with respect, until, of course, they start stepping on my tail, be it purposely or not, then I start lashing.

But being guys, I think we forgive and forget really quickly, at least, that's what I know about guys. Don't take their words too much to heart, and you'll be fine. We get angry fast, but we get better even faster.

Even so, there are times when I want to lash out at someone, and fail to do so. Instead I end up having a biased opinion, and unable to support my views fully. I wobble, I shake, I fall from grace. Lost in this short vanity of time.

That's when I started to think. What if all of this was just a ruse. Think about it, by treating others nicely, you would expect something back from the other person. You will expect them to treat you nice, or at least, the same.

You will look forward to getting something in return, the same as you're doing a good deed, though you might say that you're a saint, and that you expect nothing in return. All you're waiting for comes in the form of karma doesn't it?

Good deeds begets good karma. So does it mean that bad deeds begets bad karma as well? What if you're a twisted person? A demented outcast? Does it mean that you don't deserve to go to Paradise after death?

They say expect nothing in return, but what if a person already knows that they wont get anything but good karma in return? Does this makes the person demented? By not receiving anything but looking forward to the karma that he gets.

Does this make him a sinner? If that's the case, isn't everyone a sinner? Isn't everyone demented in this world? How can one say that they don't expect to get anything back from doing something when they already did?

So when they do get something for doing a good deed, like their parents give them a reward, such as a praise, a kiss on the cheek, perhaps some extra allowance for the week. Does this mean that they have sinned? For taking something more than they are bound to be rewarded?

Or does this mean that they write off the Karma they are about to receive, and replace it with material wealth, or just simply fleeting moments of joy of being praised by your parents? If that's the case, it makes even less sense.

How can one compare something ethereal with something materialistic or humane? Karma is something accumulated within a person, how can they simply trade it away for something that actually exists? Something that you can feel, can touch?

If you fight and protect a loved one, what do you get? You get bruises, you get cuts, but you get to strengthen your bond with your loved one. Does this mean that their Karma have been paid off? Does this amount to nothing at all?

Then thinking back, if you did something good to someone totally unrelated to you, like picking up a wallet for some stranger, does this mean you get good karma as well? Not exactly. Because you get to strengthen your bonds with that someone.

So does Karma actually really exist? Or is it just the myth of some hippopotamus story that someone made up in their journey through life? So let's take it from another point of view, Karma doesn't exist. But suppose there is a Paradise as we die.

How do they know who to send to paradise? While it does not feel right to share the same paradise with a homocidal maniac, neither does it feel right to share the same paradise with the same person who had done absolutely no wrongs in their life.

Which leads me to one conclusion: There is no paradise in the after-life. No matter how one looks at it. No matter how much a person is discriminated, no matter how much a person discriminate. When they die, they die.

If there was reincarnation, how would they explain the growing population?

Photos (臉)

2009-03-03T01:28:00.002+08:00

The photos were up, and I must say...

I'M LIKE A HIDDEN CHARACTER

I realized that while the weather cleared up on the day and everyone were taking photos, I was busy on the bench trying to fix the mask that broke, so maybe that's why there aren't much pictures of me.

But other than me, I noticed something about the others photos: Everyone looked weird. Maybe it's because of the fact that photos capture still moments, everyone's flaws are revealed in that instant. The momentary still in time just caused destruction.

People I thought looked good looked akward, people I thought looked normal looked out of place. Or maybe this is the way we are viewed by the outside people? Maybe that's why the bunch of Taiwan tourists didn't dare to turn around while waiting for the rain to stop?

Pictures are still a mystery to me, same as Birthdays. When you purposely dress up, pose a little, and take pictures of yourself, it's really hard to find a perfect angle where the pictures will turn out nice. I know I'm not happy with mine when I'm out of Omake.

I guess this is what Ben from Scrubs was talking about, pictures are meant to be spontaneous, capturing the life like it was meant to be, pose for a picture and it will turn up un-glamorous. But I guess that's part of human life, finding the right angle to go trough life.

Maybe I'm just not photo-savvy, not photogenic, but this many people at once? Even Rin who I consider really pretty, or Vel and Vow who were the most sporting amongst us, or Hime-chan, who really did a great job with her make-up.

I always thought that there was something wrong with my face, my expressions, my way of looking at others, my way of looking at the world. But if I can't even change the little things that I do with my life, who am I to say about others?

It clearly states in the photos I'm in that I have a problem expressing myself, trying to force myself into my character, no matter how akward the situation is, no matter how unfitting it would be, no matter how hard it is to act like someone else.

While photos are a reflection of real life, I guess it's also a mirror for oneself, telling them which parts of themselves are wrong, which part wicked, which part unbecoming, which part un-glamorous, which part to improve on.

For me, I think the things I need to improve on are the times when I'm not in Omake. I prove to be really normal-looking when I'm in Omake. But out of that, I can't say anything anymore. The same as when I was taking neoprints, I look better spontaneous.

Still remember the times when I try to pose and the prints turn out really horrid. I look like I was acting too much, like I was trying to do something but isn't achieving the effect I want it to have, I guess that's still pictures for you.

Then thinking about it again, I always draw weird, I always draw people in spontaneous positions, like when they are fighting, or interacting, or walking, or talking, but when it comes to them when they are posing, they turn out funny.

Something's off, maybe the arms? Maybe the body posture? The leg length? The feet? The hair direction? The shoulders? The waist-line? The fist? The joints? The neck? The expression on their face? The position of the ears? SOMETHING goes wrong SOMEWHERE.

I guess I'm just not proud of my own pictures, or not proud enough to show them off as trophies and prizes that I have fought for. I might as well revert back to the normal little lifestyle that I was living with for the past 19 years of my life.

Either that, or I strive to be better, despite the mockery that is bound to come. Strive not to slouch too much, strive to be more good looking, strive to always be better than what I was yesterday or the day before.

Sorry Ruohan, no pictures for you unless you somehow uncover it somewhere out there, which I doubt will ever happen, since it's a really big world out there, though laden with Search Engines, I still think you won't get them xD

"Let's erase the 'potential' in 'potential muscles'" - Zen, Nakochan

Tora (龍)

2009-03-02T00:03:00.002+08:00

I guess while others are really hyped about Toradora as it progresses, I can say that I'm one of the few that is really disappointed in it. Though the artwork is simply awesome and is consistent throughout, the story is how would you say... Not to my liking.

It started out fine, in fact, it started out interesting. A tale of a cross relationship between two pairs of friends. Taiga likes Yuusaku, and Ryuuji likes Minorin. They try to help each other get with whom they like. As good friends.

Ami came into the picture and didnt really ruin anything. Just adds on to the complication now that there is one person who apparently likes Ryuuji, but was rejected because she knows Ryuuji likes Minorin.

But what happens, and I presume most people who started watching already predicted, was that Takasu and Taiga likes each other. Slowly but surely, it is also shown that Minorin likes Takasu, and by being with Takasu, she is breaking Taiga's heart.

Which leads me back to the theory on why not to make friends who are of the opposite gender. Sure talk to them, but not be overbearing, not to care for them so much you actually start liking them, not to depend on them whenever you feel down.

Moreover, I hate this feeling, the feeling of watching someone do something that I had done before. Reminding me of the stupidity of my own, Minorin was not wrong, and Takasu shouldn't feel dejected.

I guess most people should really not see UFOs and Ghosts. If you do, choose to ignore them, and maybe your life can be better than it already is right now. As for me, I'll try to salvage and amend whatever I can.

Tired (積)

2009-03-01T02:02:00.002+08:00

Woohoo, skipped today's drawing lesson for the sake of Photoshoot. The pictures better turn out nice. Actually, I wasn't really keen on joining the photoshoot, since I can't really do a partner shoot with the other girls, different story, same author. Ah, the dillema.

I must say that Vel and Vow really look good as guys, seriously, they just fit the role so perfectly. The heavy mascara actually looked perfect on them, and I usually scold people who wear mascara so heavily, makes normal people look like crap.

They pulled it off, and I admire them for it. Still, no reason not to look at the others. Rin was fricking awesome today. Wearing a bright pink Loli suit that totally fit her cute harajuku girl image. Lisa said it was fashion, but I think otherwise. I think it's brave.

Hime-chan is still doing Sakura, So is Lisa and Dai-Hime. Me as Syaoran, Rainy as Syaoran in Tsubasa, and Nako as one of the Kudan... I kind of forgot what his name was... Oh yeah, Sanyun. The ultra cute bongun thing.

I must say, Little Hime's mum sure feels a lot like my own, very very interested in costumes, maybe because she also did sewing before, just like my own mum. She is so damn supportive of Little Hime's works, and encourages to do more.

I used to be pretty scared of Dai-Hime's passion to cosplay, dragging me around town like it really was my second job, when I can, truth be told, be enjoying slacking off at home playing my PSP or just simply rotting away.

Apparently the passion to cosplay is passed down to Hime-chan, and she's pretty scary when she flares up, okay maybe I haven't really seen her flare up yet, but I can be pretty sure a small little girl like that can throw quite a tantrum.

Kind of reminds me when I was young in a different gender. I remember I used to, oh wait, still is quite a short fuse. Step over the line and Commander Ricky will use Flare and his Soki 16-hit Oni Vanquisher sword combo on you.

So basically, I was kind of held up the whole week because I was preparing the mask, which didn't turn out well. It went to the site and absorbed plenty of the humidity, and it pretty much died out on me right before the rain stopped.

I was pretty sad, of course, I put so much effort into making it, despite all the times I said I don't really enjoy cosplay, I pretty much always follow Onikawa's Code: Even though you don't like doing something, do your best in doing it nevertheless.

So the story goes, before today, which was a nice Friday. I wanted to just simply go out with Keith and QingFu out somewhere. Maybe an arcade, maybe somewhere else. Just walk around town visitting anime shops and looking at merchandises.

But as usual, Keith is the only one sporting for such an activity, no matter how lively our lives can be, we still need the Otaku side to it. The fact that we go out to scour for anime merchandises does not deter our Otaku life one bit, in fact, it brings it higher.

Just casually hanging out. I guess Jia En who saw me in KFC didn't expect that. I recogized her in one look, but she kept staring at me I refuse to call out to her. Actually I was pretty scared I got the wrong person. But hey, Ricky's a forgotten guy, right?

So with QingFu out, we went to Telok Blangah Park, which was in Tiong Bahru. Trekked a good bit before we actually reached the place and deemed the place to be too damn desolate to be even considered visitable. I hated climbing it up, especially when I woke up so damn early.

But then again, it's just like MacRitchie, a place for nature to grow out. So I went up there with Keith and commented that the place is pretty damn good. Desolate, Nice view, Trees everywhere, gives the misty feel.

Walked down the other side instead, and trekked on the metal pathway for more than 45 minutes. It was a hell of a long walk. I didn't believe that I actually survived it without water. Then we took bus 100 to get to Beach Road.

The bus went past Harbourfront and River Valley High, Sandra's school. Keith commented on how there is a Japanese Restaurant right beside the school, and want to eat at one one day. Then we talked plenty about dreams of going Japan.

Stopped at Bugis one stop too late, ended up near Concourse and had to trek back, thank god for the vending machine that kept me alive. Then we started cracking dumb jokes about how Grass Jelly was made from grass that was rubbed on Charan's skin.

Speaking of Charan, I miss him already, his gay jokes and over-enthusiasm about himself being damn handsome every morning keeps me awake and going, and it also brings me mood to continue on going to school.

Not that I need other reasonings for going to a school, because it's pretty damn obvious that I have more than enough reasons to now. Having an awesome class and awesome coursemates who continue slaving over the sake of programming, what more can I ask?

Visitted Anime House, played Jubeat again, went back to Lorong Lew Lian to have dinner and started working on the mask late at night. I was worn out like hell. Then came today, where I have to trek the mountain up again.

The toilet is ridiculously far. And the weather was bad. Sanyun got the biggest role of acting emo due to him being a sub character. Shots about me aren't spectacular, but the rest looked awesome. I think especially Vel and Vow.

Kinda sucks to compare yourself to these two almost perfect looking characters. But then again, shouldn't get me down, just as what Zen said, we have "Potential Muscles", just need time to build up on it, they get free training though, I need to pay for Gym.

Overall a really awesome experience, but I guess there are different traits to different people, and different ideas of what looks nice and acceptable, and what isn't. Traits differentiation, thinking about it, I think what classifies you under Otaku is the ability to converse.

For me, I can't be bothered to converse with people I barely know. Not because I don't know what to talk about, but more like I can't even be bothered to talk to them. Once introduced, and I find there is a common topic to talk about, I can rant non stop.

In this world, there are plenty of people with varying degrees of talking power. Take for an example Wei Leong. I don't think he has much to talk about with people he barely know, such as during Open House, he couldn't talk much to the girls unlike me at first.

Until I introduced him as part of the "Stupid 203 Gang" which includes Boris, Renqi, Zuyi, Lau Zhao Hong, Siew Zhao Hong, Nazrin, Sebastian and others. He started to crap as per usual, I guess he's plenty like me, keeping mum until introduced.

Then there are people who are like my Sister. From what I can see, unless introduced properly and have listened to a certain number of sentences between the stranger and her friends, and she likes how that person behaves, she doesn't give two shits.

Then there are the true blue Otakus. Who can't really converse well with others, no matter how close they are to that person, no matter how many sentences have been exchanged between them and their friends.

I think while they are the lonliest people on Earth, they are also the coolest. They don't really give a damn to the rest of the world, who cares about socializing? I can make do with my own tools, I can make do with my work and my own social life, so fuck you.

I guess the people that can be put under this category is Rin and Lisa, they rarely talk, maybe it's the case of guys being able to talk more than girls, but I really think that there's always something to admire about different people.

Courage replaced with Intelligence, Speech replaced with Actions, Social Life replaced with solidarity. Every single person has their own traits that are remarkable, and is worthy of respect.

"Wisdom from the Dark Lord =)" - Lisa

Gemstone (寶)

2009-02-22T21:14:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm just a serious fan of characters that don't get famous. Who are those that get famous? They are the ones that get magically huge amount of screentime, such as the female leads of most games or animes.

Take for an example, Toradora! While the main point of the story is about Taiga, I end up liking Minorin better instead. But then again, everyone loves Minorin during the first few episodes. Who doesn't like a bubbly girl who is so darn energetic she cheers others up?

Let's take another example, Chrono Cross. Wait, that game has way too many characters, it's rather hard not to like an obscure character. So is Suikoden. Ah yes. Grandia, and let's talk about my favorite Grandia ever, Grandia 2.

I like Mareg, but then again he gets multiple screentime and has a really high reputation of being totally awesome. Melfice is already badass by himself, Ryudo is the standard Main Character, Millenia and Elena the standard female protagonist.

Tio. Is the girl that I like the best that was from Grandia 2. Truth be told, I liked Millenia until they gave her too much screen time and revived her during the fight with Zophar's heart. Seriously, she has some boobs and some spunk. Not really my type but likeable.

Whereas Tio, the quiet, shy little girl that wields a weapon that looks close enough to be a smaller version of Tira's Wheel in Soul Calibur III, times two. Wields such little character development I'm amazed that she is even in the game at all.

When I started playing her storyline I wished Mareg was back, since Mareg died to save them (and her) anyway. But slowly, I began to like her. I like the way she look, I like the way she dumbly reacts to Ryudo and Roan, I like her generally.

Which brings me to the conclusion that the less a character appears in front of me, the more I will like them, and I shall prove it true yet once again with Naruto's most annoying female protagonist ever, Sakura.

I don't know what's the hype about with her. I personally think she's fugly as hell. Having a body that is way less than desirable, an uber act-cute hair colour and slutty hair style, showing off your arms like they don't have enough clothes.

Hell, I think people like Hinata or Ino are much better looking, not that I'm a big fan of them as well anyway. But I just find the female protagonists generally annoying. Especially true for animes, less for games though.

Take another example Bleach. I'm seriously tired of hearing Orihime's squeaky voice. Sure her looks beats Sakura's by about a thousand billion miles, having a desirable body, really nice looking eyes and a natural hair colour that fits the anime well.

But she is still rather annoying to me. So what if you have the desirable traits every guy will want for a girlfriend? If you show up too much on the screen whining and worrying, I seriously won't like you. I would rather prefer Rukia or Hinamori.

Kenichi's girlfriend Furinji Miu is another classic example of an annoying female protagonist. She is way too perfect in the aspects you least expect her to be. She's cute, she's small, she's pretty, she's sexy, she kicks butt, she can defend herself, she's ditzy, she needs a boyfriend.

Though not as annoying as Orihime, her main fault is that she's way too perfect, thus bringing the standard of real life women down to a fault. It went down so much so that after watching Kenichi, it's hard to look at women and say that they're pretty anymore.

Thus bringing me to her cat-loving rival, Kisara. Who has less desirable body, but still pretty nonetheless, and with an attitude that kicks ass to boot, I like her better already. Kisara is the type of protagonist I would consider NORMAL.

Why normal? Because she is not ambidexterous and perfect in every way, she has her weaknesses, she has her strengths, she has her hobbies which aren't evil or in a way twisted, she wears a cap with style. She is a real normal girl.

Or should I say, she's the dream girl that is not too perfect so much so that 321895 other guys come chasing after her and asking her out or threatening to rape her every 45 seconds she walks on the street kind-kind-of-girl.

But then again, she kicks so much butt no one will want to ask her out. That is, another one of her faults, her weakness, which I find attractive in a character, not just for girls. For guys as well, they should have their share of weakness and strengths.

I guess I take more notice of the shining gems that never make it on stage too much. Look at my favorite characters, Shikamaru, Smoker, Kenpachi, Takeda the Fist, Ishijima Domon, Scar, Musica, etc etc etc.

They are never the main character. Sure I like Luffy enough to put him above Smoker, but I think Smoker has more style in him. Other than Krauser, who is definitely the love of everyone watching DMC, I think the only other main character I like is Dante.

But then again, Dante's from video games, and it's hard not to like the Video Game main characters for some reason. Zidane, Squall, Cloud, Tidus, Locke, Butz, Ramza, Dante, Arisato Minato, Serge, Rudy, Ashley, Virginia, Roddick, Claude Kenni, Fayt Leingod, Tir Mcdohl, Ryou Genkaku, Hugo, Lazlo, Stahn Air-head-ron, Reid Hershel, Kite, Haseo, Rikimaru, Ryu Hayabusa, Jehuty, Snake and many more.

Main Characters in games get etched in your heads, because you represent them, living their lives, worrying about things they worry about, while their supporting characters, usually the female protagonist, MUST have less screen time than them.

Take an example Garnet, Zidane isn't living his life, he is living his life for Garnet instead, maybe that's why I like Beatrix better than Garnet, she just gives me this feeling of a wishy washy person, unable to decide what she wants. Always in a dillema.

This weakness can be a problem for a character, therefore I always get the feeling that the Female protagonist of every game is usually potrayed as stupidly weak and needs help, and the main character is always there to help them.

While this is the basic drama indrigient and is forever nice to watch. It can get tedious to always see this kind of "Supporting Characters" who do nothing but stop the progress of the main character, or at least hinder him/her so much that it gets annoying.

That's why I prefer Wild Arms to Final Fantasy. Final Fantasy can have all the graphics they want, but the older Wild Arms titles have this common trait, and that is to having the perfect balanced gameplay. Where everyone depends on each other.

Not a one-way siuation, but a two-way thing. I think relationships like this are much more meaningful than always asking the Main Character for help, that's not being a supporting character, that's being a burdening character.

Right Amarant? Who is about the only character that never bogged Zidane down.

Birthday (增)

2009-02-22T02:44:00.004+08:00

I have never understood birthdays. Actually, I don't see the point of celebrating it other than receiving presents and getting happy smiles and eating the good food that comes once in a while. Or maybe it's just me.

Is it really happy to celebrate something that marks you as one year older? Should you even receive presents for it? Or is it the congratulation that you get for surviving another year on this planet called Earth?

If it is the latter, why must we even get presents and get congratulations and such for it? Is it to commemorate about the number of shit live gives us and congratulating someone for being able to go by the 365 days full of crap?

Is celebrating something so awkwardly bad so good in the first place? What is the joy of a birthday actually? Catholics and Christians may say that it's to celebrate the past 365 days that had just passed that was given by God.

This is a logical explanation, considering how little joy life has to offer us perhaps, more frustration, less joy, how fun can life get anyway? Maybe it's to mark the day in which you have survived another 365 days of crap since the last celebration.

Or maybe it's just another stupid invention of humans. Not that I'm not grateful being born a human, but don't you think that there are too many damn practices that don't make sense in the life of a human being?

Celebrating another year... for what purpose? Celebrating special days... because it was the day somebody did something? Why do other people's lives affect us so much? Especially when you have absolutely no relation to that person?

Now consider your best friend's birthday, since people say that birthdays are important dates, why not give the birthday boy/girl and his/her friends a holiday on that day then? Why not? Because they are insignificant?

People of legends often create holidays; Perhaps a Great War Hero died on a certain day, and therefore creating a celebration on the day of his death. Did what I just say make sense? Why the hell are people celebrating the day someone special died?

Or maybe it's just a remembrance day, to pray for the lives of those that are lost during the previous war, to pray for the people that did not survive the war, but what do people do after they remember? They go back to their normal lives don't they?

Humans are a weird species if you ask me. And truthfully, I will say that they are the world's queerest species EVER. They say that Human Lives are not to be taken lightly. But what the hell was that about the remembrance day?

You pay your respects for half a day, then you go back to your normal, sleazy, careless life. Drinking while driving, going to clubs and wasting precious sleep time, smoking your life away. Aren't you guys contradicting yourself too much here?

But the biggest mystery has to be birthday celebrations, yeah it comes as a natural instinct to celebrate when it's someone's birthday. But what reason? What is the reason behind the celebration? To celebrate someone getting older?

Actually, I never get dates and birthdays. So if I turn 19 today, it means I was never 19 during all these days before? You mean I was still 18 years old and WOAH all of a sudden on this day I have collected 1 extra year of experience?

Then what about age restrictions? They say people under 18 aren't allowed to buy cigarettes, what happens if a guy is 4 days away from his birthday and he wants to get a packet of cigarettes, will he be denied? The logical answer is yes. The compassionate answer is no.

Why yes and no? Because some humans are robots in this world, as long as you're under 18, you can't buy some items from certain stores, it's just like playing an RPG, say if you're not in Disc 3, you can't buy certain items from this shop.

If there was a time lapse, I can understand, but come on, having a new SHELF of items when the disc changes? I don't think inventors take that little time to come up with ideas for a full SHELF of weapons and armor.

Birthdays, still confusing Ricky up to this day. But I don't deny the PS2 that I worked for and was suddenly classified a birthday present.

Japan (旅)

2009-02-21T00:06:00.002+08:00

While it's still a long term goal, I think that's where I'm heading, or at least hope to head to. If it is possible at all, that is. First of all, Japan have a really high standard of living. I will need to start training to eat cup noodles without getting bored.

Or simply to say, scringe and save every penny I have, all for the sake of ~~buying all the hentai in Akihabara~~ eating and living healthily in a distant, modern land called Japan. I really hope that if I ever go there, I can survive.

It's a literal urban jungle, with high expectations of life and other whatnots. I can imagine myself arriving in the country, and usually they send people there to study language for a year first. Living in a little rented apartment, with nothing but a TV and a PS2.

Or maybe by the time I go there I would have enough money to save up and buy a PS3, or maybe PS4 have came out already. And I'm really looking forward to how good game graphics can become. Come on Square-Enix, show me some miracles.

Make games FOUR dimensional, make it holographic, as in, it literally comes out of your TV screen, but then again, that's really ridiculously retarded. If 3d images are to become 3d realistic holograms, it will be any Otaku's wet dream.

Or it might be hentai otaku's wet dreams. I mean, literally. Seriously, with all the crap they have been doing to innocent little girls, it's kind of hard not to think about what will happen if one day such a technology were to be created.

Luckily I'm not those kind of Otaku. I'm more of the decent, nice kid kind. Or so to day, the one who does everything else not mentioned secretly below the cover of my decent, nice kid face. Come on, at least I don't get a hard on seeing blood.

I guess there are plenty kinds of Otakus, but they all have one common trait, and that is "introvertic". Otakus generally keep to themselves, this never changes in the context of anyone, look around you, are the people you consider an otaku ever outspoken?

Okay, Ricky is not included in that sentence, and since Wei Leong denies being an Otaku, even though he is the biggest one amongst us, I shall convert any answer automatically to yes. Here is the code for the following input.

#include "stream.h"
#include "string.h"

using namespace std;

int main()
{
string choice = "";
cout << "are the people you consider an otaku ever outspoken?" << endl;
cin >> choice;
cin.ignore();

choice = "No leong is a suck"
}

So whatever answer you give me will automatically be converted into an insult directed at Leong. How nice can my program be? I mean, there are limits to how awesome a program can be right? I think I peaked.

So back to the point. There are many types of Otaku in this world, and hopefully I don't turn into those rape-loving, butt-touching, train-molesting, kind of Freaks of Nature I often see potrayed in ~~hentai~~ REALLY NORMAL SHOWS THAT I WATCH.

I guess there's really not much to type these days. Since GMaPs exam is over the creative side of me died out a little, leaving an empty shell that used to be Ricky, all I need is perhaps 3 days of sleep and I'll be back in full power.

Perhaps...

Dream (夢)

2009-02-17T23:34:00.002+08:00

End of Assignments, actually that was an event from a few days ago, and while trying my very best to recover what sleep I lost during the past 20 odd days, I came across a really weird dream. A dream I never had until today, a dream that is... bizzarely disturbing.

What does dreams mean to people actually? Does dreams really invoke the true feelings of a person and whatever it might mean? Say for an example you think you are not hydrophobic, but you dream about drowning and really realize you're so?

Does dreams represent what might happen in the future? Like perhaps dying in a car crash, or a plane crash, or just SOMETHING crashes, something which you can see yourself dying, maybe a piano crashed on you, or maybe a flower pot crashed on you.

Does dreams represent something from the past that have haunted you so very much? Something you want to forget for a very long time, something you want out of your life. Something you want not to exist in your life ever, something that you regret doing.

Does dreams show the anxiety of today? The dissatisfaction of handing in rushed work, the shame of not going to continue being the top in your course, your disappointment on your friends for failing to help you enough. The wish to be able to do something recently better.

To me, dreams are none of the above. To me, dreams always had been an escape out of reality, where exciting things that will never happen in life actually happen to you, it's up to you what you do in that world, it's your own mind.

Gaining superpowers, getting a really cute girlfriend, being able to slaughter someone who has mis-treated you, creating weapons, slayng dragons, holding swords, wielding guns, brandishing spears, stab, slash, death, romance, pure escapism.

Maybe that's where I get most of my ideas from, my ideas of what to draw, my ideas for the future, my ideas for my project, the stroke of genius that comes out of nowhere, I need sleep to achieve this much. And I owe it to a daily activity.

The reverse is also true. When I lack sleep, I get brilliant ideas, my mind starts to wander endlessly, seeking ideas that can never be achieved if I were to sit down and think, touching every nerve in my brain, forcing it to think about things that I usually don't.

Then things start to get philosophical. Thinking about things about what is life? What is death? What is love? What is a "humane feeling"? I have always wondered whether I am really human, because most of the times, I don't have much feelings.

The only two feelings I feel are happiness and sadness, perhaps when I am confused, I feel sad, when I am worried, I feel sad, when I feel relieved, I feel happy, why are there so many terms to being a human when every single other feeling can be expressed with "sad" and "happy"?

Humans are really not a complex thing, they just make themselves out to be sophisticated. Having different likes and dislikes, having differentiated opinions, having arguments about who's better, who's not. Having the competitive spirit.

It basically comes down to one thing, whether you're happy, or whether you're not. If you like something, you're happy with it, if you're frustrated with something, you're sad. Anger comes under sadness, maybe that's why I cry when I get angry.

People say I am a little more effiminate, Who cries when they're angry anyway? I think it's perfectly fine though, if I'm angry, I tend to think that I'm different than others, this makes me sad. This makes me feel like an outcast, alone. Then memories start rushing back into me.

Hey, remember the time when Ricky was the only one that was left out of a movie outing because he's not cool? Remember the time when Ricky was so preoccupied playing his games when the rest of us went to eat a dinner? Remember the time...

I immediately get sad, afraid it's going to happen again, come on Ricky, show some feelings other than sadness, show more complexity in yourself, show disgust, show annoyance, show anything, anything will do to make you seem more human.

It doesn't come out, all I can feel is sadness and happiness, or maybe that's what makes me different. Some guy said "Everyone is special" or something close to that. I was disgusted, I don't want to be different. I want to be different in thinking, but still accepted.

Maybe my obsession about being same as the others came when I was still really small, Primary 2, when I was thrown into this dumb country speaking foreign languages that I can barely understand and is scolded plenty of times because I don't understand how a human mind works.

Who understood racism during Primary 4, seriously. People in this country recite the pledge every morning, or evening for those in afternoon classes, without truly knowing the meaning behind the pledge, if people understood equality, why are people still looking down on others?

Why do people refuse to help those in need? Why do people stop when they feel helpless? When whatever they do to try might make a difference? Why do people stop trying to do what's good for themselves, yet expect others who are more capable to do it for them?

Equality is, not a simple concept of seeking help from the strong and receiving it. It is also not the concept of having the strong live and the weak die. It is the equal amount of effort put into doing something. If you work more, you get more, if you work less, you get less.

Sounds simple? Sounds fair? Sounds logical? Then why are people still seeking help from the strong? Just because they themselves feel that they are incapable, because they feel preoccupied, because they feel they cannot do it. That's bullshit.

I came into this country bearing zero knowledge of English and Chinese, look at me now, equipped with the two local languages, and is now learning another three. The third being an obselete language that nobody except people in the gaming side uses.

If equality is a concept that is so easy to understand, why do people still refuse to mix? Why do they always stick to the people they prefer? Why do they refuse to mix with the people they look down upon? Why do they keep going to the people they prefer to be with?

Simple, they are happier that way. And precisely because we are human does equality not come into contact with us. Because we have our humane feelings does we not understand the concept of equality, all because we are made this way.

Peace and Equality, bullshit.

All I wanted to do was make games, and here I am, on my way to doing something that I really truly wanted. Yet someone out there is out to get the best of me, so much so as to haunt me in my dreams, what can I do but to feel sad about it?

If I start to punch people, maybe people will also see me cry in a corner right after that. If I did something good, maybe I will start to laugh incessantly by myself in my room afterwards, there is no reason not to do so. I am a human after all.

Happiness and Sadness, Equality and Peace, something that can never co-exist, I am amazed that humans of this world are able to keep the world in a state of equilibrium for such a long time. But then again, everyone is punishing Mother Earth for no reason.

Or maybe that is how we keep our temper to ourselves. By taking it out on what is underneath us, biting the hand that feeds you, burning the bridge in which you walked on, destroying the land that you live on. That is the way of a human.

Go humans, destroy this planet, for I am sick of seeing such an imperfect sentinent being.

Moderation (統)

2009-02-10T20:30:00.002+08:00

Actually I have almost nothing to write, or maybe I should just complain a little about the amount of workload on our heads the past 2 weeks. I'm starting to understand why Zuyi tried to commit suicide already. If he has more problems on his own, even worse.

I'm stressed, and the presence of my mother here is not helping. It's making it worse, her incessant concern about whether I want to eat or not, or whether I want to do unnecessary things that might hinder my progress with my work.

She thinks she can help me de-stress by talking to her, but apparently answering annoying questions only add up to it. The only way where I can de-stress by talking is when I talk about games, or when I actually play it myself.

Speaking of which, I have my PS2 here right now, and I'm going to buy the LCD monitor which I dreamt about for quite a long time already. Using a CRT does burn my eyes a little. And they say flourescent light is less tiring to the eyes.

Let's hope Kor Tata gets my DVI Direct Cable soon, since my mother didn't bother to explain it to him properly, he thought I would be wasting money buying a converter from AVI to DVI when buying a converter and using my current CRT will be enough.

I cleared it up with him, and he sounded willing to buy the cable for me. This Saturday he says. Let's wait for his good news. I really wish he can fedex the cable over as soon as possible. Can't wait to start playing Devil May Cry 3 again.

Why Devil May Cry 3? Well it was stuck inside my PS2 when it was brought over. Other than that, I only have WA5, MGS3, Naruto Accel 2 and Rengou vs ZAFT I think. Oh, and Soul Calibur 3 as well. But that's all.

Moderation is a good word for me to user currently, I think it's better to moderate what we call work and what we call play. Doesn't mean that work must always be cumbersome and tiring. Playing C++ can get addictive. Think of it as another game.

I think designers like Boris Leong or Rosanne can't really see it as playing another game altogether. But me, Zuyi and Renqi sure are enjoying playing and messing around with it. So fun to just sit down and start spamming our codes.

Let's get some dinner, then continue doing IDES, designing on an empty stomach can be tough.

Headache (頭)

2009-02-07T17:32:00.002+08:00

Well, my headachecrawled back to where it belonged, and I thought I was done and over with it. With renewed fears of my head bursting into pieces and oh for fuck's sake please get out of my head. I guess watching psycho shows like Dexter has it's side effects.

Nevertheless, Dexter's a really good watch. Makes you think about who you really are, and whether your feelings all these while have been real. No, I'm not trying to fanboy and say I'm the same as him, I'm still human enough in that aspect.

But I guess what it teaches you is to really know what is important in your head, and what others have been trying to tell you, and also what you should and should not do. Not only that, your inference skill, your relation in according to what others are doing.

Remember that the world is not composed of you and yoursel, it's how much you really react to things around you. Things might seem like shit to you, but like what most teachers say. "I don't want to do this, but know that I really don't want to."

I guess what I see in Dexter is how much he is able to control his life, and how much I'm not able to. The amount of charm he is able to exude when I have none. And the best part, I can do with learning how to talk to other people from him.

I need a break...